Older FTM - how on earth did you know what birth is right for you?

[Dontknowwhattodoatalllll]

Ladies, I'm at the end of my tether. I'm 39 years old expecting FTM, 38 weeks pregnant. I have been scared of birth my whole life. But not about sense of control, don't care about that. I'm worried of pain and suffering (during or after labour).

I've had lots of people recommend me C-section, many friends and family members had it and are happy. Even many posts here happen to say elective c-section, despite being a surgery and having risks, is all right. And with my age.... So I've booked one and it's 1 week from now.

At the same time, I never saw myself having c-section. I worry of recovery so much. Adhesions seriously scare me.

I always thought I'll have natural with epidural (one thing for sure, I'm not homebirth or bath birth kind of person). I am just so worried of all the things that can go wrong... Will I deal with early labour pain? Will I get epidural when I want it (hospital claims it usually happens within 30min but heard stories of too early then too late or anaesthetist busy)? Will I get a massive tear and prolapse?

Its not that I genuinely WANT natural birth, it's just I kinda of don't want a surgery either, but feel like it should be the right thing to do from other people's accounts? I have been prepping for both. I do Epi-No, I'm at 10cm now. I have been working out few times a week, I'm fit. Baby is head down and in right position. My abs haven't separated. Practised breathing exercises and affirmations (though this is all I'm willing to do Hypnobirthing wise, I'm not into the non medicated stuff)

But I just don't know WHAT TO DO AT ALL. What chances do I have to have an ok natural birth and not ending with EMCS or foreceps?

Are there any older mums here that has the same pickle and found the right choice? Has any of you genuinely had a positive birth and are happy with it? Should I go medium safety route of elective CS or roll then dice of natural birth which might be great or horrible?

I was older than you and definitely didn't want a c-section. Huge scar, can't drive for a while, risk of infection etc. No thx.

I wrote a very loose birth plan.

No c-section except in an emergency
Plenty of pain relief
Use a tens machine
No epidural except in an emergency
Be messed about with as little as possible
See how it goes.

I had a slow labour, a little pethidine and needed help right at the end, by which time I was too tired to care. Ds arrived pink & wriggling. All good. It hurt less than I expected but was more tiring.

I will be at least your age when I have a baby (plan to start TTC next year). I will be having an elective c-section and won’t entertain anything else. I don’t like pain and have no interest in tearing my vagina. There’s already a hell of a lot of uncertainty, I don’t want to add any more, so having my birth in the calendar months ahead of time works for me. Best of luck.

May I ask if you conceived naturally or with IVF (fine if you don’t want to answer, I know I’m being nosy!)?

Have the C section.

I did and no regrets. Didn't like how my tummy looked after but having a mini tummy tuck next week.

I didn't want to play Russian roulette of natural birth

I was older than you and had an emergency c-section. It wasn’t good. The recovery time was way longer than friends who had a vaginal birth. Obviously it was an emergency so I had no choice, but if I did have a choice, I’d have an epidural and the vaginal birth. My milk didn’t come in because of the c-section and the c-section overhang is real! And has never gone away. I hate it! Really unattractive. So no, given the choice, I wouldn’t have a c-section.

I've done both. The physical recovery from my elective c section was words apart from my vaginal birth. But that's because I was induced and ended up having episiotomy, ventouse and forceps.

With that said, a straightforward no interventions vaginal birth would be a much easier recovery. If you're unsure just ask to reschedule at 40 weeks to give your body a chance to go into labour naturally. You can always make the decision WHILST you're in labour as well if you change your mind and want the c section

Ive done both at 37 (natural birth) and 39 (emergency c section). My natural birth was brilliant, recovered straight away, out walking my dog the next day. The c section was worlds apart in recovery - very painful, couldn’t hold the baby easily, couldn’t carry them in a sling, felt isolated as couldnt get out and about straight away or even drive for five weeks. I’m terrified of another c section

Are you giving birth in the NHS? Because if so, it's hard to say "oh go natural and get an epidural" which is what I did at roughly your age (overseas), because they ration those fuckers like nothing on earth.

I didnt tear and recovered quickly but both mine were small (<7lbs) and my obs was a legend. I should have had the epidural earlier with DC1 - with DC2 I'd learned my lesson and got it as soon as I arrived. She did tell me but I was like "yeah well I run marathons so I'm sure I'll be fine" - lolz.

I was the same age as you (39) when I had my third and last baby. She was born at home with an IM.
My two previous hospital births were not great (my son suffers with hearing loss as a result of a clinical error).
My third birth (a decade after my second) was incredible.
All vaginal births. I would not want a section unless medically necessary.

A bit younger than you but first birth was a section for breech and second birth a VBAC- did my perineum stretches and had an 8lb 6oz baby with no tears. 100% would choose a vaginal birth again, straight off the bed for a shower afterwards whereas I could barely get around or even roll over in bed for days after my section.

Just to note I had real birth anxiety before my vaginal birth as you hear so much of things going wrong and not many of the positive stories. I also managed with my TENs machine and gas and air.

I was 40 when I gave birth as FTM in February. They pushed me for an induction which I refused and she arrived naturally at 40+9. Labour was very quick (4 hours) no time for anything other than gas and air. I really didn't want a C-section as we'd like to try for another one and they recommend waiting a year. My friend chose an ECS and said it was a very positive experience but recovery was tough as she got an infection. It can be hard to know what's best but trust your instincts.

I was as old as you with my first (39) planned on natural but then he was breech and had planned c section. There are pros and cons to c sections. I think the biggest thing to do is keep an open mind.

I found the Positive Birth Book really helpful covering all sorts of births, although it is a bit evangelical about home births. I had a vaginal birth with a tear. I never felt the tear during recovery, have no problems and sex is fine. My first week was way easy than my birth class who has csections, even though they ask said the pain wasn't bad, but they were stuck in bed. That then seemed to set the tone for the first 3 months where they all struggled just slightly and I had an amazingly chilled summer.

Oh and just to add, I wasn’t considered of Advanced Maternal Age in my trust until 42. So I went overdue at 39 and they weren’t planning to induce me until I almost hit 42 weeks.

Obs anaesthetist. Epidurals are incredibly safe (rare to get an anaesthetist give birth without one). The risks for a spinal (the anaesthetic needed for a csection) are the same as an epidural so you aren't mitigating that risk with the alternative delivery

If you ask early (on arrival) then it's v v unlikely you won't get one. Most labour wards are at about 90% on target for <30min. Most yhst don't get one (ie it's too late are when they ask for it when 9cm and we are in theatre)

First time mums labours are long so it's incredibly unlikely you wouldn't get o

For me when choosing i considered what I wanted from best to worst. I really didn't want a c section, I decided I'd prefer an episiotomy over a c section (I know some feel the exact opposite). I was willing for an epidural but not pain relief that cross the placenta (baby could be drowsy when born?).

I went into labour naturally and used a TENS machine to get to 4cm, then went to hospital and had gas and air, I begged for an epidural around 8cm, it took ages for them to arrive to do it and then it didn't work at all, pushed for hours but baby didn't come down so had a forcep delivery in theatre with a spinal (this part was actually a good experience, I finally felt cared for, whereas the rest felt very out of control), I had an episiotomy and a tear but recovered well.

I'm pregnant again and think I'm going to ask for an epidural early on in the hope it works this time, then I can rest whilst dialating. I don't mind if that then becomes a forcep delivery. I would also consider a c section too but I don't want to stay in hospital any longer than necessary because of my other child and want to be able to drive soon after birth etc.

Unfortunately epidurals are associated with needing some help with the delivery so if you went that route you'd possibly need forceps or c section anyway. You would also experience early labour pain (i was in labour midnight to 4pm before I'd reached 4cm and was admitted to hospital) so bear that in mind as it's not always a fast process. Also, if you go overdue where do you stand on induction? Would you prefer a c section in that instance?

Another obs anaesthetists pov… for anyone thinking about having an epidural/wanting to know more about the pain relief options or anaesthetics for obs it’s worth looking at the labourpains website - it’s run by the Obstetric Anaesthetists Association and has lots of useful objective info.

its possibly important to clarify that the target to respond to an epidural request usually is 30mins - that does not guarantee that it’ll be in and working in that time (there is a consent process, prep, siting the epidural and then often 15-20mins for the drugs to start working).

www.labourpains.org/during-labour/epidural-advice-and-information

www.labourpains.org/downloads/english-resources/epidural-infographics2025.pdf

I’ve had 2 and IME Labour isn’t something you can really plan for. The first time I wrote a birth plan which went out the window pretty quick. The second time I didn’t bother writing a birth plan. I don’t know why they exist. Just take it a minute at a time - when you need pain relief, ask for it and hope for the best. They won’t admit you until you’re pretty far in so you will need to labour at home for quite a while. I recommend hypnobirthing to get you through that bit. I did that with my second (had him at home) and was very effective. Having a baby is really hard - there’s no way to make it easy. But you’ll be OK.

I was 38, and had a csection as DS was transverse breech. Had no issues with healing etc, but felt quite battered / sore nerves on the side of my stomach where they’d had to put a lot of pressure on to get him out (head wedged at bottom of my ribs)

I think with a planned C-section you know you are going to have a moderately difficult recovery. With a vaginal birth you have a 60% chance of an easier recovery than a C-section if it all goes relatively smoothly without any severe complications, a 28% chance of a C-section anyway and maybe a 12% chance of some major complication like a 3rd or 4th degree tear or other severe birth trauma where the recovery will be worse than for the C-section. It's not easy weighing up the choice but it comes down to whether you want to minimise your chance of the worst complications (if so, go for C section) or whether you want to maximise your chances of an easy recover (if so, go for vaginal).

I have never had a C section so can’t comment on that. I do know someone who had one two years ago and she nearly died due to a severe fuckup from the staff cutting into an artery. It has put me off however many women have them and are absolutely fine

i have always had an epidural and i loved it. My last two births were so relaxed that I was watching a movie on DH phone at the same time as pushing. I felt so calm and well looked after. I’m due in two weeks and have opted for an epidural again. I never felt like I wasn’t in control and for me being calm and pain free was my priority. I don’t understand people who pride themselves on doing it with no pain relief. Your pushing human the size of a watermelon out of your body. It hurts. Have the pain relief.

it’s a very personal choice OP and I hope it goes well for you 💖

1st daughter l was age 26.
Second daughter age 38.
Didn't get a choice
. But would definitely not opt for c section
. I have scars from a laparotomy and hysterectomy. Never heal properly. Over hang. Get sore and got adhesions. If you ever need surgery again after C section it's awful.
I just had gas and air.. but l am 68.
I have high pain threshold though... but knowing you are going to be holding your baby at the end.. endorphins kick in.
Good luck whatever you choose.. its one day usually out of rest of enjoying your child.

I have had an assisted VB and an ELCS. I had a way better recovery from the VB, but both were absolutely fine! You read a lot of horror stories about both but those are less common than a perfectly fine birth. None of it is exactly fun and games, (or it wasn't for me at least), but it isn't always the worst case scenario we sometimes envisage when we are anxious about it.

Fwiw, if I was having another baby now (I am 42), I would be asking for an ELCS.

I’ve had 3 sections and would not have wanted them unless medically necessary.
first emergency c. Second I tried for a vaginal. Did everything I could. Failed VBAC.

third I had to have an elective as not medically advised to try for a vaginal birth with 2 section scars (yes I have two because they messed up)

Its very hard to plan, and im a planner! I had an unexpected and unwanted emergency section at 36 and a blissful vbac at 39. No comparison for me... the vbac was un medicated, manageable, quick and I felt wonderful within days. The section is surgery, no two ways about it with all that entails. But I had got to 7cm with my first before the ecs so I think I was like a second timer physically. If I was you I'd go full term and see if labour starts naturally. Some people are lucky and it goes fine ! Youll hear horror stories but a straight forward natural birth is a much easier recovery. Very best of luck and congratulations .