Trying for a second baby at 42 - go for it or not

[Rose357]

I am 42 and have a DS who is 4. I always thought that if I had children I’d have 2 but my DH and I found it hard adjusting to parenthood and although I really wanted to try for a second once my DS was a year old, DH really didn’t. I took me quite a bit of time to come to terms with just having my DS and him being an only child but I’d come to realise the pros and now he’s older I’m starting to get more time for me. However my DH has now said he wants to try for another baby and I’m really struggling with deciding what to do - part of me would love to do it again but I’m worried about my age - 40/41 would have been my cut off and I’d be 43 by the time a baby came along if we did conceive. I worry about being in my 60s before they left home and being such an old parent. I also don’t know if I want to go back to dealing with feeding, weaning, nappies, sleepless nights now my DS is older and out of those stages. In addition, when I had my DS I had gestational diabetes and he was born prematurely so I’m worried about that happening again. I really don’t know how to make the decision and am worried if I say I don’t want to try I’ll regret it - does anyone have any advice?

we’re very happily one and done. Age is a factor for my DH as hes nearly 40 (have a 1.5 year old) and he doesn’t want to be in his 60s with a teen. From what you wrote, I wouldn’t try for another. Having 1 is perfect for us - we have time to spend as a couple and on our own, have our interests and hobbies; have more money; can focus on work.

There’s not a massive difference in being a parent to a teenager at 60 vs 62 so I wouldn’t let that colour the decision too much.

It is however a lot harder to conceive at 42 than it would have been even 3 or 4 years ago and it may not happen or may take a lot longer than you think. So I’d factor in whether you want to open the door to hope and the potential heartbreak of secondary infertility if you really aren’t both 💯 committed to the idea. However much you tell yourself that you will just stop contraception and whatever will be, will be, it’s very hard not to keep off that treadmill of the 2WW every month

I had my last 2 dc at 37 and 43. Absolutely no regrets.

Had an uneventful pregnancy.
Due to fall at work I had an emcs at 35 weeks. Still bf within 24 hours and home when ds was a week old.

Now 55 and loving being an older dm.

Fo for it ime.

I gave up coffee and fizzy drinks. Ate lots of leafy greens. Got pregnant the third month ttc. Obviously took folic acid prior to ttc.

Go for it. Take all modern medical advice and tests.

I get where you’re coming from - my son is four. He’s at such an easy age now. I also have a two year old, so that’s kept us in those baby stages. I’m 41 and we are considering (backwards and forwards) a third. If I just had one at age four, I’m not sure what we’d do honestly.

Two is harder for sure. But they play together beautifully for ages (at times!). If you had one now, you’d have time while your first is in school. It might be harder to find things they both like and can do later on.

I had diabetes with my first, and an early baby, but my second I didn’t have it and went overdue. So that might not happen again, you never know. Apparently fasting levels being low are the biggest predictor for that. My sister and my friend also didn’t have diabetes with their subsequent babies.

It’s such a tricky decision. Is there something you’re leaning towards, are you even a little bit excited about the thought of a baby?

We had dc2 at age 42. In all honesty it was beyond my cut off, but we did very low level ttc without any real expectations (literally just not using contraception, I didn't even bother tracking cycles or timing as I got sick of having hopes raised). I didn't bother with any fertility treatment as it looked like it would be a waste of money given the low chance of success at that age. I took the attitude that if it was meant to happen then it would, and if it didn't then it wasn't meant to be, so I didn't make a huge deal about making the decision to try for dc2 and didn't put any effort into it.

DC2 is 4 now and I've never felt my age has had much impact on tiredness or parenting. I don't have much problem with sleep deprivation and that's helped a lot. Being an older parent will be more of an issue when I'm older and dealing with inevitable old age but that will be when the dcs are older and we'll deal with it when it comes.

We have a 4 year gap and I never saw much problem with going back to the baby stages. Perhaps because I actually loved all the baby and toddler groups we did and found it a joy to repeat it with dc2 (I would have hated to have a small gap and not be able to do them because I had a baby and toddler). And partly because I never found it a big drag as DH is so hands on (he had six months paid paternity and would do all nappy changes if he wasn't at work). The time has passed so quickly and now I'm getting that time back for myself as dc2 has been in preschool for a couple of years.

Age doesn’t have to be a problem.

What I would say to anyone of any age wondering about whether to have a second child or not is that it’s not an easy road. I adore both mine; I don’t want this to sound as if I don’t, but it isn’t just ‘one other child’ ; it changes you, your first child and everything.

My DD (my second child) is a delight. But if I could go back and never have met her … would I make the same choice? I’m not sure.

You won’t miss out on anything just having one.

Thanks so much for sharing your views @january1244 your comment about whether I feel excited about a baby makes me think I’m probably erring on the side of not wanting to try partly as looking back I didn’t really enjoy the baby stage and I keep thinking of all the negatives/things that could go wrong. But i also love having a sibling myself and wanted that for my son (we don’t have a lot of family so he only has 1 cousin on DH’s side who is much older and who we don’t see very often). I’m usually quite a decisive person but just really struggling with this - definitely a battle of head vs heart!

I had my second at 43. I developed type 1 diabetes with my first (at 41) so it was a bit more high risk but she’s 21 now! Love her to bits 😁. Took four months trying with both.

I think that’s because it’s such a big decision, and you never know how it’ll work until they’re here, and older. Will they get on, will you cope, will it blow up your comfortable lives. On the other hand, will you regret not giving it a go. I think most people worry about all of these things

You’d be well into your 60’s when they leave home, as DC rarely leave at 18 now. I’d stick to one. Your DH clearly knew your age and in that situation, time isn’t on your side and risks increase. I’d stick with the one.