Perspective from those who have struggled with infertility please

[Bumblebee413]

I’m currently pregnant with my third baby after two subsequent miscarriages. My best friend has undergone one round of IUI with her wife and it was unsuccessful. Our ovulation dates were the same so our babies would have had the same/ similar due date. If I had been five years younger we would have held off. As it is, we’re both 38 and it felt like this was our last chance to try as I didn’t want to continue past my 39th for my own health reasons.

She is acutely aware of our age and has really had her confidence knocked by the first cycle. Her clinic has been shit and because they are using a donor she can’t just try straight again next cycle as there are so many hoops. She is super stressed with work, super stressed with the clinic and I don’t think at this point she can see it working for her.

I waited until our dating scan in case I miscarried again and it would all be for nothing, then wrote her a letter explaining I was pregnant and that she didn’t need to respond or acknowledge it, that I wouldn’t put anything on social media and keep it off our friendships chats.

It’s been a week and I’m finding it harder than I thought I would. All my focus has been on protecting her feelings and I didn’t give a thought about mine. I am the lucky one here, greedy even, with three.

Can anyone who has been in a similar situation to her/ struggled give me advice on how to keep supporting her (current plan is to not mention pregnancy/ give her as much space as needed unless/ until she brings it up) and also tell me how it felt for you if you were the one struggling.

Today I’ve woken up sad that I can’t share this with my friend and that (although I told her not to) she hasn’t acknowledged it in anyway, even just a Congratulations text after the year we’ve had. I do appreciate the irony- I’m really asking for a head wobble. I am the one with the luck here, I just need grounding again and to put myself back in her shoes.

Please help xxx

I think you've handled this with a huge amount of kindness already. You waited until after your scan, told her privately, gave her permission not to respond, and have been mindful not to make your pregnancy a focus. That's about as thoughtful as anyone could be.

I don't think you're being greedy or selfish for feeling sad that your best friend hasn't been able to say congratulations. You're allowed to grieve the fact that you can't share this happy time with someone you love, just as she's grieving her unsuccessful cycle. Both feelings can exist at the same time.

For now, I'd give her the space you've already offered and let her come to you when she's ready. In a few weeks, maybe send a normal friendship message that's nothing to do with pregnancy, just to remind her the friendship is still there.

You've done your part with compassion, now it's ok to be kind to yourself too.

after my 3rd pregnancy loss, one of my best friends fell pregnant on her first try. It was a very hard pill for me to swallow, not because I didn’t want her to be pregnant, but because I really wanted to be and my feelings varied from complete devastation and loss of hope, to jealousy.

we were both tiptoeing around each other, until we bit the bullet and had a honest and frank conversation.

the one thing that I remember her saying is that my sadness would not prevent her from feeling joy, and we could navigate our emotions side by side.

this really hit home with me, and was a pivotal moment in our friendship.

this was 18 years ago, and we are still very close friends to this day.

talk to her. Be honest about your feelings and invite her to talk about hers. Hug. Keep the conversation going until it just becomes normal. Tell her that you love her.

good luck! And… congratulations !

Agree with pp that the way forward is to contact her with no mention of pregnancy. I've been wary of contacting pregnant friends before because I know that's what they'll want to talk about.

Also miscarriages, especially when you already have children, can be totally downplayed by people who are struggling to conceive I've found. Like because you can get pregnant, it should hurt less. So maybe she's not really aware of how hard a year you've had, especially now it's ended happily. And not been aware of how nervous you must have been for the past 2 months waiting for your scan.

Congratulations btw!

I think you've been super considerate and really thought about her feelings, not many people would be as thoughtful as you have been!
I struggled for 4 years and had 2 rounds of IVF so I know all too well how it feels when someone announces their pregnancy, no one I know was ever as considerate as you have been! While it is hard to hear I think over time your friend will come round, like PP said, perhaps a check in with her that isn't pregnancy related, I personally found speaking to my friends when they were pregnant hard and then as soon as they gave birth it seemed to ease abit.

I'm now on the other side of it and I'm 37 weeks pregnant, one of my best friends is struggling and I find my heart hurts for her, I try not to talk about it when it's just the 2 of us but whenever we're together and someone asks me about my pregnancy, I feel such guilt talking about things in front of her and always try my best to shut down the conversation without being rude, it's actually hard to navigate!
Congratulations OP, I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy xx

She’s had one round of IUI only so far?

Firstly I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriages and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant. This is my 6th (confirmed) pregnancy (I suspect further chemical (s)) with no children born. The last three years of my life have been a blur of pregnancy loss, ectopic surgery, IVF and now this beautiful baby that has renewed my hope.

Before this pregnancy (and making it this far with a heartbeat) there is nothing that could make me feel better about a friend being pregnant when I was not, I am sorry to say. Particularly if that friend already had two children, whilst I had none. I'm not saying that's right, or fair, but it is true.

I think the best thing you can do is reach out and chat about literally anything other than your pregnancy. She won't want to discuss it, and you may never get a congratulations. If you do want to be her friend you need to accept that.

Those of us who are pregnant with pregnancies that are currently going well are the lucky ones. We are unbelievably blessed, and there are thousands of women who would love to be in our shoes. So if we are blessed enough to have a baby, but we don't get friends who are thrilled for us, we are still so lucky. Try to focus on the miracle that is your baby, and let your friendship focus on other things (the same way it always had before this pregnancy). Wishing you all the best x

I’m not sure the friend can be considered as suffering infertility yet. Sorry if that seems harsh, but one round of IUI due to a same sex relationship does not infertility make.

Actually I agree with this. I had presumed that the IUI was treatment following multiple failed inseminations (same as how hetero couples would move to IUI after failed natural trying) but if that isn't the case, then she has effectively tried once.

Thank you all for your messages, I am grateful and appreciate every one.

You’re absolutely right on the infertility front and I don’t mean to minimise anyone’s experience at all. What I didn’t explain fully is that that is where her headspace is. She is extremely low and in that place where at the moment she just can’t visualise it ever happening for her.

She has that lack of perspective at present when you want something so desperately but can’t see into the future so reassurances that it’s only been one round fall flat just because of where you are emotionally. Someone in the depth of infertility seems closest to where she is right now and I know she is struggling with every pregnancy announcement at present. But I am sorry- I hadn’t explained that properly earlier x

Even this response shows how much you care for your friend, I think you've done everything you could of done correctly, you seem like a lovely person to have in life and I'm sure although your friend may not see it at the minute I'm sure she will look back and appreciate your acts and friendship x

I feel like this is where UK culture of top toeing around people does more harm than benefit as nobody is honest.

I've been trying to get pregnant for 8 years and multiple IVF attempts.

Then 2 years ago my sister told me she is pregnant, she knew about my struggles, but she was so happy to tell me, first attempt really, and I was delighted for her. Then I found out our friend is pregnant and that my SIL is pregnant and I was happy for them all. Other people being happy doesn't take away from me.

Then my sister had a loss. Quite late. It was dreadful and I was terribly sad for her. She is still traumatised a year later.

Then I got pregnant (I'm still pregnant) and told my sister, who hasn't even tried to get pregnant since, and she was delighted.

I was super depressed last 8 years, but that doesn't mean I my empathy just disappeared, I could still feel happy or sad for others.

The culture where you cannot talk with your friends about your positive things because that'll make you look insensitive as they are going through hardship is very well intended... But not actually good in my opinion. It leaves nobody being honest with eachother, everyone avoiding actually important topics and everything turns to very surface level conversations.

I totally agree with the previous poster!

I have a DS who's 3 and have been trying to have baby no.2 for over 2 years. In that time I fell pregnant twice and had two missed miscarriages (the first one very physically traumatic and the second one more emotionally traumatic). In those 2 years my best friend had a baby and another 4 friends also fell pregnant and had babies without any issues and none of them have ever had a miscarriage. I was truly happy for every single one of them! Their journey has nothing to do with my journey and they are not responsible for my feelings. I saw them pregnant, met their babies and held them at all different parts of my own journey and I'm glad I did. I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and they're all so happy for me! I'm very glad I didn't shut them off or miss out on time with them and their babies.

I'm sorry your friend is struggling but she's only tried once so doesn't mean she's going to have any issues conceiving. It sounds like you're the one who has struggled with infertility and actually she's being quite insensitive to you.

Op, as someone who has been in the depths of despair over infertility, I think you sound like such a lovely and considerate person. I have never had this level of consideration shown to me after multiple losses and failed ivf cycles. I think your friend sounds like abit of a knob if I'm honest. Congratulations btw xxxx