Facing a likely C-section alone and feeling very lonely

[Youjustgotlittup]

I can’t work out if I’m being a bit dramatic or if things are generally just going a bit rubbish for me. Not had the easiest of pregnancies health wise and am now looking likely to be having a C-section. Something which I had been very against really because a traumatic birth experience with my first.

My husband has a really awful blood phobia so would not be able to go in with me. My mum came last time but has just announced that in the run up to due date (as is weeks) she’s dog sitting and going on holiday. She then asked me if I wanted her there this time, almost as an afterthought. So I simply told her no to spare us both the guilt and arguments.

Ive asked my husband today if he definitely can’t come in and he’s literally gone “well of course not, I’ll faint”. So now I’m facing birthing by myself in my most feared situation.

im quite sure I’m being dramatic and it’s just my hormones. And really I know that I should just be happy that my baby will be healthy but I feel so lonely. Please talk some sense into me.

I don’t think you’re being dramatic … I’d be upset too.

Has your DH looked at getting some treatment for this phobia? I can assure you that having kids there will be many incidents of blood squirting from a head/tooth/knee - what’s he going to do if he’s on his own with them?

I do sympathise as I have a phobia myself but it’s not one that impacts on daily living quite so much.

They will very much look after you during your c-section though they were all lovely and there will be someone talking to you all the way through.

Yes he’s seen several therapists over the years. This is a longstanding phobia from when he was a child and witnessed something really awful. Just recently I got called back from work (luckily close to our house and I could work from home after!) because our son picked a scab and it would not stop bleeding haha. So that’s the level of “cant cope” I’m dealing with.

its not that unusual a scenario for women to be having sections on their own - it’s far better that way than having an unwell partner in theatre too! If it’s literally ‘just’ the blood that causes problems perhaps your husband could be in with you while the spinal’s being done & checked (not bloody!) and then leave? Or might be worth exploring whether they’d be happy for him to be on a video call for some of it so he’s kind of still ‘there’? Quite often (at least where I work) they’ll try and make sure the MW has a student with them who can be a bit of extra support for a solo mum so deffo worth mentioning you’ll be alone so they could think about doing that. Even if there’s no spare students there will still help w things like photos, supporting you in theatre to hold the baby if that’s possible etc.

I don't think they let randoms in anyway? Just you and the people doing the operation when I had mine. Good Luck, I'm sure you will be OK.

A doula, or a close friend ? The midwife who came in with me was lovely and a great support even though my DH was also there, so talk to your midwife. Would your husband be happy to be there if he was positioned somewhere where he couldn’t see the incision or the actual delivery, or would the blood on the baby be too traumatic ? Even natural birth can be a bit bloody, was he with you last time ?
Best of luck OP.

I had a C-section alone but I was a single parent. It really wasn’t that bad. The worst part was being on the ward alone after (but that’s just me)

Yes if you are having a spinal anaesthetic and not a general then you can have one birth partner in theatre with you- can be anyone you choose.

Is there no other friends or family to ask? I would do this for a friend and feel honoured. Even for just a colleague to be honest.

I had both of mine during covid, five days in hospital with DC2 and no birth partner and not even visitors as the hospital was under total lockdown due to an outbreak in the maternity ward (not uk). It was quite peaceful. The positive is you get so much one on one time with your baby, we bonded really well in our little bubble, and I’ve processed it that I wasn’t really alone, because DD and I did it together. I hope you are able to come to terms with it. 💐

I think I'd actually prefer to do a c section on my own than a vaginal birth tbh. You will be awake and pain free, so you can talk easily and advocate for yourself. A vaginal birth is more unpredictable and you might be too sore/distracted to speak up properly.
Also, I presume your DH will be waiting outside, so he will still be able to help you on the ward afterwards/pass you the baby etc? I think that's the main drawback of soloing a section so hopefully you'll avoid that hurdle.

I appreciate it's nice to share the moment, but since he has tried to tackle his phobia I don't think it can be helped really. Lots of men miss births just because the baby comes too fast or similar. Not ideal, but we women are made of strong stuff 😉

Even if it was someone I didn’t particularly like I’d do it, I couldn’t stand the thought of someone going through a c section/birth/surgery alone.

I wouldn’t be upset OP, I would be incensed. Your DH I can half understand but if it was my spouse I would just not look, take some meds or whatever it takes to cope. Your DM is just beyond my understanding, awful.

Hi OP, I completely understand , I had two babies , two emergency sections , my husband had diagnosed OCD and PTSD. He physically couldn’t have seen me in that situation even if it had been a straightforward birth . I won’t lie I’d have loved to have had him there with me. My Mum couldn’t be there either. A lovely nurse held my hand and told me I was amazing , she said I would be a great Mum and my husband was just outside the door waiting for us both . Well things went a bit pear shaped I was really sick , my husband was given our baby and he held her for three hours until a nurse said I was going to be ok avd he could put the baby down . It’s not ideal , I’ve done it twice on my own .

My husband is a really great father proper hands on and decent. While it’s difficult don’t let this define the later on ….he may surprise you … honestly after a while I was so focussed on getting my baby out safe and surviving myself I didn’t even miss him . My Nanna had 12 babies , years ago I asked her if she’d have liked Granda at the births “ sure what use would he have been “ she said incredulously “ Do you know she wasn’t wrong !! 😉❤️

Op you are not being unreasonable. Tell your husband to stay by your top half and don't look beyond the screen. Sending big hugs, I had an emergency c section with my eldest. His dad stayed in the waiting room while I was in theatre 😔

Your husband will be sitting next to your head, there will be a curtain up so neither of you will be able to see anything at all. The hospital staff may or may not ask if you wish to have the curtain lowered so you can see your baby being lifted out, otherwise they will just bring baby round to you once he or she has been born. He will not need to be there for epidural/spinal unless he wants to be and they could just call him in once they are ready to start. The staff were incredibly supportive in all 4 of my CS, 2 EMCS and two planned. It really is a very fast process and he could probably be with you in recovery very soon afterwards.

My daughter is a midwife and they take extra special care of women who are labouring/delivering alone for whatever reason. Try not to worry. He's the one missing out here, not you.

Would he really not manage sitting up head end with instructions to the surgical team to not lower the curtain for delivery? But I think it’s better than doing a vaginal delivery alone- you’ll be well rested going into it, fully conscious and pain free throughout the procedure so able to advocate for yourself. And then presumably he’ll be on standby outside so can help you post natal and accompany baby if they need any extra checks whilst you’re still recovering.

I thought I would be in this position last year (for different reasons). It is very doable on your own - the team will look after you. Will your DH be on the postnatal ward with you? I found being on pn alone after an elcs very difficult.

I’ve seen blood dripping off the ceiling, down the surgeons face, over the drape screen, on the floor….all during fairly routine straightforward sections - keeping a blood phobic person ‘at the head end’ does not necessarily mean they’re not going to see blood. What you really don’t want in an operating theatre is an additional unconscious person who doesn’t even strictly need to be there. It will distract the team actually doing the operation and may well increase the infection risk when an extra bunch of people need to come in to look after him. Best bet is to find someone else/ do it solo.

Wtf your DH needs grow a pair of balls and be there with you. He sounds like an absolute pussy. Not acceptable