Struggling beyond measure, is this normal? Solo pregnancy, threenager and no support

[Newmama2222]

I'm currently pregnant with my second child. My first pregnancy was incredibly difficult because my long term partner changed his mind about having a baby, wanted me to terminate, and became horrible throughout the pregnancy. The ongoing challenges of co-parenting since then played a big part in my decision to have a second child via sperm donor, something I'd been considering for over two years.
I got pregnant on my first IUI cycle, which was a genuine shock. I'm now nearly 31 weeks pregnant and finding things harder than I ever imagined.
My daughter is three and very much in the threenager stage, but it feels beyond what I expected. Everything is a battle and not a small battle either, but HUGE. Getting dressed, eating, brushing teeth, bath time, leaving the house, bedtime. She's also hitting and kicking a lot, and saying mean things, to the point where I'm starting to wonder whether it's within the range of normal behaviour. She only attends nursery three days a week because they don't have availability for more, and some mornings it can take over an hour just to get her through the door because she's so resistant to going.
I work four days a week, which means one day I'm trying to work from home while looking after her, and I find that incredibly difficult. I get virtually no practical support from her dad, who lives abroad, beyond criticism and arguments. Recently he told me he's filing for court, although I'm still not entirely sure why. I think he may be planning to move back to the UK.
He doesn't yet know that I'm pregnant. I've been putting off telling him because I'm so worried about how he'll react and whether he'll speak negatively about it around DD, who is actually very excited about becoming a big sister. That situation is adding another layer of stress as I'm feeling like I need to hide myself.
What I'm struggling with most is that I feel like I've lost the sweet, affectionate little girl I had until recently. Rationally I know she's still there, but right now our days feel dominated by conflict. I find myself crying far too regularly, sometimes just sobbing into my pillow at night once she's finally asleep.
I already have very little support and no real village around me. I'm trying my best to keep everything afloat, but I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. Until now I've never felt overwhelmed by parenting, which is part of why I felt confident I could manage this route to having a second child.
I have a MW appointment coming up tomorrow and honestly don't even feel like I have the physical or emotional energy to get there. I have no clear plan for the birth, feel completely unprepared for the baby, the house is constantly a mess despite cleaning every evening, and I feel like all I do is work, clean and battle my daughter over daily life. Unless I take some time off Mon-Wed when she's at nursery I don't see how I can get anything done, but then I won't be paid so that's not realistic.
She rarely goes to sleep before 9.30pm now, and by then I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep too. I don't get a single moment to myself. I'm scared about how I'm going to cope with a newborn when I'm already feeling this depleted.
If anyone has been through something similar, or has any practical tips or words of wisdom, I would be so grateful to hear them. I wish I could feel more positive and I don't know how.

This sounds incredibly hard. Is there a local NCT group you could join, to make some friends and contacts locally? I think your 3yo going to bed at 9.30 is too late for both of you… she needs much more sleep at that age (7pm lights out for mine at that age) and it’d give you a bit of respite in the evening. When you say she “won’t go to bed before…” that’s not in her control to be frank. 3yr olds aren’t “threenagers” and I suspect you’re making a bit of a rod for your own back by thinking of her in a quasi-teenage way. She’s only just out of nappies, so you’re the boss, not her.
Id recommend laying down the law about bedtime being 7pm (starting with early bedtime routine). This will pay dividends when you’re sleep deprived from the new baby coming and really need early nights in order to be up feeding.

Good luck with it all - not an easy scenario.

Is she on the waitlist for more days at nursery ? If not yes 100% put her on a waitlist.

My 3 almost 4 year old has turned into a terror - honestly I felt the arguing for clothes in my bones. I feel like I’m a bad mum as I lose patience with always being screamed at NO! I miss my cute little daughter too! Hopefully they come back soon

Why on earth do you feel you have to announce your pregnancy to your ex who doesn’t even live in the country? 😲

You don’t. It’s not his business.

And if he moves back and goes to court for increased contact, well that can only benefit you. And unless there’s something crucial you haven’t revealed here, no judge is going to grant him sudden full custody of your child. You are allowed to move on with your life, including having more children if you choose to do so.

I’m sorry you’re finding life with your three year old so difficult currently. Have you talked to her about the baby?

Crikey that sounds hard.
The bit that resonated for me was the arguments about getting things done.
Start picking your battles way more. From your list I would say tooth cleaning and bedtime are not negotiable. Everything else can happen or not. Does any of them truly matter?? If she goes to nursery in her pyjamas, so what? If she only baths once a week, OK (just swipe a wet wipe over her bum daily).
You cannot MAKE her eat, You just cannot. Stop trying to fight that battle. You CAN make sure you only offer things you are ok for her to eat. If she declines you calmly take it away. Casually leave some healthy picky bits lying next to her where she is playing a little while later. Very, very few children will starve themselves. A lot of three years olds have some days they don't seem to eat much at all. The vast majority will eat enough (and she probably eats better at nursery so take some comfort that she eats there. ) You can focus on nice manners and eating at the table when you have more resilience.
The non negotiables you can give her some sense power in, while still being firm that it does have to happen in total. 'So do you want to do your teeth at the kitchen sink tonight or the bathroom sink?'
Or, 'Do you want to sit up on the side of the sink while we do it, or stand big and tall like a tree? '

Options often help lots at this age. 'Not sure if you feel like pink tights or blue today so I have put both out. You get the pair you want and bring them over so we can put them on'.
Or, 'Up to you if you get dressed at home or we can just bring your clothes and I can give them to your nursery teacher to do there'. Act super nonchalent. You don't care.
It takes two to battle. If you refuse to engage except for a few things that are deal breakers for you then the level of conflict will reduce.

(Be careful of not too many options at a time. Stick with either/ or. Not a list of five options. )

Good luck. It will get better.