Unexpected pregnancy

[shibi1990]

Found out I was unexpectedly pregnant recently. Have always used contraception but it failed, I don’t know how. I am 35. I have two primary age children from previous relationship. Have been seeing current partner for almost 2 years, we don’t live together. I told him quite soon after I found out because I was completely shocked. He does not want me to continue. I always thought that I wouldn’t continue a pregnancy in this type of situation as feels like rationally it isn’t the sensible thing to do, I have my children, don’t live with this partner - nor was I intending to as I like my home with my children. However, now this has happened I realise I do want to continue the pregnancy. My main concern is whether it is selfish to my current children, they have a good relationship with their dad and see him often but I’m the primary parent and clearly would be for this baby. I do have the financial means so that aspect is not a concern

How did the contraception fail and did you use the morning after pill? And more importantly, why didn’t your partner get a vasectomy (seeing as HE is the one who’s against having a baby…).

Anyway, in your situation, I wouldn’t dream of continuing the pregnancy. It would be all kinds of irresponsible and yes, selfish.

Chalk up to experience and prioritise finding more effective contraception. Best of luck.

Yeah, unfortunately I agree with the post above. While I would feel like you and want to keep the baby, I think objectively you won't be able to give anyone the quality of life they deserve if you keep it.

It was the normal pill, I’ve been on it pretty much since I’ve been sexually active and it’s never failed before. Thanks you for your message, these are helpful comments/points

Hi, just sending a hug and sympathy, and to suggest you seek independent councilling about this, ideally as a couple, rather than mumsnet x

Or do what my next door neighbour did who had three DC to her previous partner, met her current partner and fell pregnant accidentally and didn't want to be a single parent so her current partner moved in and they're a blended family now. All very fast. Eldest 13, next one 11, and 9, and the "accident" is 5.

How would work and childcare look if your partner decided not to have any involvement with the baby? Do you have supportive family that can help you out? Can you afford nursery fees if no one to help you? bigger car? Would your kids have to share a room? Lots to think about.

Hi thank you so much. I do have a therapist and have a separate specific counselling session with a specialist for this on Tuesday. I just posted here because I haven’t been able to tell (all but one) of my friends. Many are struggling with fertility issues and I don’t want to be insensitive.

Hi, childcare is affordable for me, car also not an issue. I could buy a bigger property. My family aren’t so close but both parents (divorced so new marriages and partners) have recently retired so I know they could come and help. I suppose these practical things aren’t necessarily the barrier. It’s the points above about this being a selfish decision.

Thanks to everyone though, it is good to have wide perspectives.

I’m struggling to understand the PP who said it’s irresponsible and selfish? The existing kids have a good relationship with both of their parents, there’s nothing to suggest they are traumatised by the separation which is more than two years ago?

Also your kids are still primary age. You’re still in the thick of it so it’s not like starting again.

Just go at it with your eyes open. Your current partner doesn’t want a baby so consider how you’d cope doing it alone if it came to it. Your body your choice.

I’d forget about asking yourself if you’re being selfish. Either decision could be framed as being selfish and the last thing you need now is to be the subject of morality manipulation. Take your time. Remember that whatever you decide, you’re deciding it in good faith, doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.

If you want to have another baby, and you think you can make it work, then keep it. Abortion grief and regret is very real and can be devastating.

You do need to go into it with your eyes open though and be prepared to do it alone, without expectations of help.

Babies can bring a lot of happiness and joy, but (as you know from having others already) it is not always easy. If you decide not to go ahead then know you're doing it from a place of love too.

Good luck whatever you decide! There is no right or wrong answer here.

Totally understand. Good luck x

What is his reasoning for not wanting you to continue / wanting a child ?
Is he a father already ? Does he not want a child at all ? Or just not now / not with you ?

It's 100% up to you if you want this baby but I'd say,either,way your relationship with him is over .
You would never forgive him if you do abort if you don't want to .
And he wouldn't want to stay with you when your relationship changes due to having a newborn .

You have to do what is right for you .

Why do people always say your relationship is over if you abort because your partner doesn’t want to have the child? Surely it’s the opposite, you are choosing the relationship over the pregnancy?
surely you would only resent the partner if they had taken you to the clinic at knifepoint? Ultimately, it is the woman’s decision. Saying you would resent your partner forever is very disempowering. The decision has to be made one way or another. Doesn’t mean the rest of your life has to be ruined too.

Because some women will feel they should abort due to the partner wanting them to .
So they go ahead although they really don't want to .
Further down the line they start to resent that partner and question the what's ifs if they had confined the pregnancy .
Example , a friend of mine had an abortion at quite a young age , yet 10 years later still acknowledges that the baby would now be xx age and wonders about how they would have been and how her own life would have panned out .

@shibi1990 when weighing things up also factor in what the situation would be if you had a child with additional needs as a single parent.
You may well not be able to work even part time if so. Would the finances still stack up? Would you have enough support if the father walked away?
Making such decisions based solely on the status quo being maintained is quite risky.

I can see how that could happen if you were young and it turned out to be your only chance to have a child.
Also in this situation tbh. But it doesn’t sound like she’s any surer about it than the partner.

However, now this has happened I realise I do want to continue the pregnancy .

Clearly the op does want to continue .

Fair

You've said you want to continue the pregnancy, so I would do that. As pp said above, abortion grief can be devastating.