friendly advice please x

[louisejaneokx]

Friendly advice please

My partner wants to have a baby 100% but he’s just not ready at the moment. I am ready. We’ve spoken briefly about it but he just says he’s unsure regarding the time frame. I already have 2 children with my ex and he has no children, so maybe he’s scared?

We’re an amazing family unit, everything is great. And I respect his choice right now even though I’d try now. But I can’t help but feel sad when I get my period. We wear condoms so I know I’m not going to be pregnant but it’s still a sad feeling.

I’m 31 next April and ideally I wouldn’t want to be pregnant again any later, my own personal choices etc. He agreed and said he’s happy for me to be pregnant by 31 (if getting pregnant isn’t a struggle) but he says this year is too soon for him.

I don’t want to keep bringing it up, but when would you bring up the “trying” convo?

My sister also messaged me asking if I wanted her newborn clothes for the future and I asked my partner and he said “Yes, I’d say take them.”

So obviously he’s happy to keep baby things from my sister for the future etc.

I am not going to keep mentioning but I’m wanting advice on when would I bring it up again in the near future? As the convo before was very brief as he was at work LOL. (This convo was a month ago) I got caught first time with my current children but I was alot younger then!! So I’m also worried if it didn’t work like that this time. That’s my concern too.

F

?

How long have you been together? Is there something specific he is waiting for to feel ready?

They want to see what people suggest as they are in the same situation

Or they are just curious to see the responses or save the thread (even though they can just “watch” it).

He said he had in mind of buying this house first, however we don’t even have half of the savings together right now and it would take years to get it due to other finances etc and my car has just broken so I need to use my savings for that. He said he feels like he hasn’t been realistic within the situation as he feels he might just be stuck in that mindset from when he was 20 of getting a house first etc which isn’t bad at all but regarding our age and my personal time frame it wouldn’t all be done that way. He agreed. But said “he does feel uncomfortable sometimes when it comes to the time frame as he doesn’t know but he does know he wants a baby with me” this was last month. I would never be pushy or keep bringing it up hence this post. X

I personally wouldnt mention it again as hes stated that he's not ready for a baby this year. As difficult as it is for you wanting a baby, you both have to be 'on the same page'or it will put a strain on the relationship. If hes happy for you to be pregnant by next April, then perhaps you could mention it at the start of next year. Good luck

Waiting until next year would only give you 3 or 4 cycles to get pregnant. If you are not pregnant by April, do you think you would keep trying? If not and he definitely wants a baby it would be better to start trying sooner rather than later. If next April is a preference rather than a "if I'm not pregnant then it's not happening" you have a bit more leeway.

That’s what I’m going on to try and be pregnant by April. Hence why I asked for friendly advice from others as we know sometimes we can’t always guarantee when we would fall pregnant. Thankyou for this comment. With my first I got caught 1st and 2nd cycle but I’m alot older now!! So I’m trying to take that into consideration. It’s his first so he doesn’t know much about cycles and woman lol what’s your thoughts on when to try based on this info? X

Thankyou for this xx

It’s just me worrying incase it takes me months to get caught that’s why I posted this post for advice. I was lucky with my first 2 as got caught 1st and 2nd cycle but I’m nervous as I’m alot older then before so worried if it takes a while x

It's tricky because he needs to be happy too, but if he doesn't understand things like there are only 12 eggs in a year it might be worth making that point. Something like 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage (sorry, not something anyone wants to hear) so there's that too - it might take multiple pregnancies to have a baby. Of course you might get pregnant first cycle you try (I did at 33). It's a big and scary thing, having a baby, but which would he regret more - having a baby a few months earlier than he thought or maybe not having one because he wasn't ready?

I’m 34 and having my first baby, you have plenty of time. My honest opinion having gone through similar with my husband. Is that they are telling the truth, they want to be secure first (financially mentally etc) it’s not a negative thing. You’d rather be with someone who thinks about the future rather than not concerned with consequences. I would focus on saving to buy a house. You will all be better off overall. The rental market is only going to get worse now with a lot of landlords selling up, owning your own home is a financially sensible and mature decision. It will also take your mind off counting down months and give you a new focus. It will all happen!

How long have you been together and lived together? How old are your children? Do you both work? I don’t think your preferred age to have a baby is more important than him being ready. You’re already a single mum to two so focussing on stability and security before adding to your family is sensible.

Thankyou for this. If you don’t mind sharing, how long did it take for your husband to come round to finally starting to try? Xx

We’ve been together 10 years, originally my ‘cut off’ to have kids was 31 because I have PCOS and had been led to believe it was going to be very difficult. 31 turned to 32 etc. Some big arguments were had I won’t lie to you. We needed some large works doing to the house, which we had to save for and then do which were a big mess and non of it would have been good with a baby. But my biological clock did not care. He was being the logical one. We agreed next year we would try and we were both happy. Then he turned around a few months ago out of the blue and said he was ready (he had just been to a stag do and most of them have kids had there had been lots of chats) non of our close friends have kids. We started trying and got pregnant straight away!

Im not sure how to take this but he’d NEVER put his penis in me without condom or even near me bare even if it wasn’t in. And now for the fair few times when we are getting it on he will put his penis near me bare and then tonight he said “shall I put it in” and stuck it in without a condom but only for like 10 seconds and then put a condom on but it’s weird coz before he’d never do anything like that even if it was for a few seconds? . xxx

Im not sure how to take this but he’d NEVER put his penis in me without condom or even near me bare even if it wasn’t in. And now for the fair few times when we are getting it on he will put his penis near me bare and then tonight he said “shall I put it in” and stuck it in without a condom but only for like 10 seconds and then put a condom on but it’s weird coz before he’d never do anything like that even if it was for a few seconds? . xxx

Yes that is how it started for us too 😂 it’s like testing the waters. I got my husband to download the flo app to use as a partner so he could better understand the fertile phase. Also as a disclaimer it wasn’t all on my shoulders, he also had the knowledge I had x

Both partners have to want a baby. You have two already. You are also only 31. I agree with your partner. You need to have the security of an owned house and if you are struggling to save for that, how will you cover mat leave and the costs of another child?

FWIW, I was 33 when we tried for our first baby and was pg on the first cycle. Baby born when I was 34.5. We were married, had moved to what would be our family home and if I'd decided to be a sahm, could manage on DH's salary alone, which on the event we had to do because ds1 had chronoc asthma and ear infections and I couldn't be reliable at work and ds picked up infection after infection at nursery.

More recently, that little boy is now 31, dil is 32. Their daughter is a couple of weeks old. They are financially secure, ds has a good job, they got married nearly three years ago and decided to crack on despite marrying young/being among the first of their friends to marry. Had they not been secure, they'd have waited until they were.

I think you need to map out the finances