Unsure about trying for a second child at 38 with one

[Whatthezara]

Firstly, I know this is an incredibly personal decision, but we genuinely don’t know what to do and I’m wondering if anyone else has felt the same way.

I’m 38 (turning 39 at the end of the year) and have a 7yo DD. For the last couple of years, we’ve been sporadically discussing having a second child. Before that, we were pretty certain we were one-and-done. There was no real desire for another child, and then suddenly this thought started creeping in!

I just don’t know what to do. I’ve never had that overwhelming urge for another baby but I didn’t have that before having my DD either, and now I can’t imagine life without her.

The age gap doesn’t bother me at all. My sister is 8 years younger than me and we’re very close. I know there are challenges with children being at very different stages, but I’ve also heard people say that a larger age gap can feel a bit like raising two only children which actually sounds much more appealing to me than having two under 2, 3, or 4! I definitely don’t think I would have had the capacity for that.

We’re really in two minds. My husband isn’t strongly for or against either. He feels we could have another child and that it may add something special to our family, but he’s also completely happy with just one. My daughter would absolutely love a sibling, she’d be like mother hen.

I don’t particularly like the baby stage, but I love the ages from 3/4 onwards. The thought of being a family of four in 10 years time sounds lovely. At the same time, I genuinely think we’d also be happy staying a family of three and I worry about going back to the baby phase and going omg what have we done!!

We have the finances, the flexibility, and the space to have another child. Honestly, I just don’t know what the right decision is. I don’t think people talk enough about the dilemma of going from one child to two, especially for those who were never even sure they wanted children in the first place.

Has anyone else been in this position? Any advice or experiences would be very welcome.

This is just your hormones rallying for one last spin, I would suggest that if you have a good life now there's no reason to disrupt that.

do it! babies are the best.

I had DC2 age 37 and whilst my pregnancy was ok it took me far far longer to recover post birth. The tiredness, lack of sleep and inability to "bounce back" like I had with DC1 was something that I really underestimated until it was too late.

Also don't underestimate the costs of 2 DC. Family holidays will be way more expensive when you need 2 hotel rooms instead of 1. Supporting 2 teenagers/young adults costs a fortune if they want to go to university and that woukd come at a time when you may be wanting to reduce your own work and plan for retirement.

Not an answer sorry but I’m in a similar situation, had my first at 35 and now at 38 debating whether to stick with one now I am out of the baby stage or do it all over again!

Right now your child is at a lovely age where you can do things together and have fun.
You would curtail that by adding a baby to the mix. Imagine cutting family days short because of nap time, not going on the big water slides ‘coz you have the baby’, having to factor in pushchairs and nappies.

Enjoy your family dynamic.

I'm 36 and I've always known I wanted more than one child. If your family doesn't feel complete then I'd say go for it but if it already feels complete then I'd leave it as it is. I always wanted 2 because of the future rather than now. I have a brother who doesn't speak to my mum and a sister doesn't speak to my dad and who also moved away, if they didn't have a 3rd child (me) my parents would never see any of us or see their grandchildren. By having 2 I'm hoping they won't both move to Australia or disown us, I'd consider a third if I didn't have fertility struggles.

Something else worth considering is fertility at 38 compared to when you got pregnant the first time. I had my first at 32, I'm 36 now and it's taken 3 pregnancies so far to try and have our second baby (2 miscarriages and 14 weeks pregnant now). Egg quality decreases with age so risk of chromosome abnormalities is higher. Some people manage perfectly fine but it's just something to bear in mind that could factor into the journey of trying to have another. It's very disruptive to go through.

I found the opposite - recovery from my first was hopelessly slow, but my second I bounced back from pretty easily.

I recovered much better the second time too (at 35) and also got pregnant much quicker!
OP if I were you I would 100% do it. Nothing at all wrong with one and done but in your situation, have the baby!

Also - you’ve had responses on both sides, how do you feel when you read a response that says do it? How do you feel when you read a response that says don’t? That’ll tell you what you need to know.

Personally I would never deliberately have an only child so yes I’d have another but I’m not you and you aren’t me OP don’t doesn’t really matter what posters say

I can’t find any strong reasons not to in your post. The only point against is that you didn’t originally plan for more than one. But you know, plans do change.

From what you've written I'd say go for it. You sound in a good position to have another.

There is no right or wrong answer OP. You'd be happy with one or happy with two. You don't love the baby stage, but it's over in a few months, so that shouldn't sway you one way or another. If you're open to the idea why not ditch the contraception and see what happens. You may or may not conceive, but at least you're giving it a chance of happening.

We were on the fence for a good 3 years, before a work situation gave us a now or never sort of moment and it just became pretty obvious that we didn't want it to be never.

I'm not interested in babies at all. They're cute and squishy n all but basically just cute potatoes. They get much more interesting as they approach 2. So for me it was about how I pictured our family in a decade, or 2 and there was just a person missing in the picture. Had we never had DD2 we would have been perfectly happy as a family of 3, but DD2 has genuinely added something we didn't know was missing.

Our considerations where:

• Had the money and space for another DC (and for another maternity).
• Wanted a sibling, not necessarily for DD1 but DD1 was an only with no cousins (neither mine or DH's sibling has or will have children) so DD1 was the sole focus of grandparent/auntie/uncle attention and it felt like quite a lot of pressure for her.

That was pretty much the list! It boiled down to, would we regret not trying once the ship had sailed for kids? And the answer, clearly, was yes.

The panic was real once I got pregnant, and the guilt in the 20 months since DD2 has been here has been hard, I do miss our little band of three sometimes. BUT DD2 is brilliant, DD1 loves being an older sister, and the joy of being together as a four is amazing.

I had my first at 35 and second at 39. They are 7 and 11 now (4 1/2 yr gap).
for us it was the right decision and we are really happy. My 7 yo was v hard work
and the toddler years were looong but now they have a lovely dynamic. I have never regretted it. In fact I think having a younger sibling has also kept my 11 yo enjoying being a kid and staved off the pressures of tweendom, as he can always relax and be silly with his little brother.
My younger one absolutely adores his brother.
I don’t feel particularly old or anything as a Mum - me and DH are both healthy, exercise etc, I don’t find it an issue. Perhaps the sleep deprivation was tougher early on.
It’s so personal though and equally I know lots of families with one child who are completely happy.
sorry not much help!

Hi Op, i just had my second at 38 and also have a 7 year old.
I bounced back better than my first pregnancy and it has been lovely seeing my oldest bond with the baby.

Our family dynamic hasnt changed too much and in situations such as days out etc we swap so 1 parent helps with the baby and the other does the fun stuff with the oldest, then we swap again. To be honest, the baby has just slotted right in.

Honestly so glad that we did it, and now our family feels complete x

Sounds like there is no wrong decision here. You sound happy with 1 so if that’s how it stays, fine. But if you have a second one, you will adore him/her just as you do your DD and you won’t be able to imagine life without the second, will feel that now your family is properly complete, and will be horrified you nearly didn’t have number 2.

I had my second DC just before I turned 40 and it was fine re energy etc.

The only thing I would at is at your age, the chances of eg Down syndrome are higher. Think before you conceive what you will do if the pre natal testing shows something like that. If you wouldn’t terminate but would then feel you had made your DD’s life much harder, that is worth considering very carefully.

I had my second at 39, I'd say just do it. But don't do it for your DD as she might not be as happy as you think, especially with a brother (speaking from experience).

I fell pregnant for the second time at 38…with twins. I wasn’t particularly maternal before my first, and like you I was a bit ambivalent about getting pregnant again.

Words can’t describe how lucky I feel to have my 3. I absolutely ADORE being their mother. I’m empty nesting now and I don’t like it one bit.

I had my first at 31, and second at 34 (2 under 3). I was very fortunate to conceive both quickly meaning a close age gap. I won't lie, it was tough at the time, but I wanted them closer together so they could play and activities would be age appropriate for both, making things easier as a family. I wanted to get all of the relentlessness out of the way, as have friends who struggled with the sleep deprivation, after going back to it after getting more of their life back.

Dh's sibling is so much younger, they had nothing in common, and weren't a family of 4 for that long, as he moved out!

I did have a little wobble at 39 about a third, but it was definately hormones as it passed! Life is much easier now both are a bit more independent, and I know I couldn't go back to that stage, and didn't want to be changing nappies in my 40s. It is also amazing to get sleep, and I couldn't deal with sleep deprivation again let a lone being older with extra kids to take care of at the same time! When we were on a day out recently, we were eating lunch, I saw a family like ours, but with a crying baby, cold meals, older dcs looking unhappy, and have to be honest I felt a relief that this wasn't us. I also hated being pregnant.

Being realistic I would think very carefully about this op, you have to think if you're lucky enough to conceive what age you'll be for the birth, increased risks, and how it all impacts the child you have. You'll also need to consider the varying needs, for example when your oldest is a teenager, your youngest would still be a young child. When you have a toddler your youngest may be needing you mode than ever with school demands, and transitioning into a bigger kid. I would recommend writing a pros and cons list as well as variables to thoroughly consider.

I think there's a lot to be said for enjoying the balance you currently have. Our neighbours had a second child with a large age gap and they haven't described the change as positive; their second child has very high needs and it's clear, as much as they love their son, they do secretly regret choosing to have a second.

But then if it feels right for you and you're happy taking that risk, then go for it.

@andana it’s so hard isn’t it? Did you know how many children you wanted before having one? I was always just going to be a chic older lady with none that was my plan haha!!

@stackhead this is a BIGGIE for me - I worry that I get to 45 and wish we had had another.

@RS1987 I’m not sure, this is my problem! I love hearing about families with a big age gap and everything worked out well but I also know this isn’t always reality and I am quite the over thinker so I always think of worst case scenarios! I completely agree with those saying leave it if you are happy/have a good dynamic but also think alongside thinking with your head sometimes it’s nice to follow your heart when it comes to decisions like these.

@cheezncrackers so my DH and I had a big chat last night and I think that’s what we are going to do - leave it up to fate! We could go through the negatives and positives for years (and we have been!!) and I am now at a stage where I think let’s go for this. Apparently you only regret the things you don’t do so…?!

thank you all so much for your replies!

Well that's the decision made then! Just enjoy what comes naturally & see what happens!

id gladly take them for you for the first 3 years!! 💕

... I wouldn't be able to give them back though, so not a great plan!!

I would do it in a heartbeat

Haha may hold you to that! Wish me luck! Thank you all very much x