Husband sharing private info about my mental health with his mum- am I over reacting?

[Starryalex]

Apologies in advance for the essay! I’ve been struggling with my mental health this pregnancy, mainly anxiety around food and also intrusive thoughts. I had similar worries around food in my previous two pregnancies but the intrusive thoughts are new. I think it’s come from the fact I had a miscarriage prior to this pregnancy and it’s made everything so much worse. It’s like I see everything as a threat and my brain is constantly on the lookout for things that might harm the baby.

I recognised I needed help and spoke to my midwife who got me referred to the perinatal mental health team and I’ve been getting good support from them. The only person I’ve spoken to about all of this is my husband. I’m just quite a private person about my health in general and I guess I’m also a bit embarrassed about the irrational thoughts I’ve been having and just haven’t felt comfortable with anyone else knowing.

My husband was over at his mums at the weekend and again I said to him to please not mention anything if she brought it up. His mum, while well intentioned, can be quite a strong personality and a bit interfering. When he came home I asked if he’d said anything and he said no but this evening it came out that she’d asked if I was ok as she felt I was a bit quiet the last time she saw me and that something was off. It turns out he did actually tell her about my anxiety and what I’ve been going through. I just feel so upset that he would first of all lie about telling her and then that he would break my trust like that. His excuse was that she could tell something was wrong and he can’t understand at all why I’m upset about her knowing. She’s the last person to keep a secret so I just know she’ll have told other people. He was extremely dismissive of my feelings and how upset I am that he felt it was ok to share something that’s so personal to me. I could understand him reaching out for help from his mum if he was genuinely worried about me but I’ve been proactive in getting help and support. Maybe I’m over reacting but I’m just so upset that she knows and she’s very much the type to want to try and fix things in whatever way she thinks is best which is the last thing I want. I also don’t feel like I can talk to my husband or share anything private with him anymore. Just feeling very alone and hurt.

I have similar issues around food whilst pregnant and I would feel exactly the same as you if my husband had told his mum, especially as you'd told him not too. It got pretty extreme in my 3rd pregnancy, I wouldn't touch a single raw fruit or vegetable, barely managed to drink anything, wouldn't eat out anywhere, obsessive hand washing, felt constantly on the verge of a panic attack.

I experienced it in 3 separate pregnancies (2 losses) before I told anyone aside from my husband about my worries. It's embarrassing and you just know people will dismiss how you feel even though it's very real when you're going through it. You know you aren't being entirely rational but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Whilst I totally understand you being upset at your DH, I can somewhat understand why he told her.
Your DH has had to support you through 2 pregnancies and a third resulting in miscarriage - and now you’re struggling again. Whilst I’m not dismissing your ill health at all, he may well be frantic with worrying about you.
Last year our young next door neighbours had a traumatic time when their baby was born at 26 weeks. Mum spent most of the next 3 months in hospital and dad would come home some nights. We were able to hear him crying through the bedroom wall many times. I bumped into him one morning and he was absolutely broken. He desperately wanted to be able to make everything better both for his baby and his wife.
Perhaps this was your DHs way of dealing with your illness as best he knew.

I had similar and surprisingly it’s more common than I thought. There is no need to be embarrassed about intrusive thoughts or anxiety during pregnancy.

Perhaps your mental health team can think about a support group? Alot of women experience this and it’s the anxiety making you think you’d be dismissed or disbelieved. It would do you good to not feel like the only one.

It’s ok to be upset that he slipped up and told his mother under pressure. But there is no sense in staying upset with him. Better it was his mum he confided in than his work mates. That’s who my husband eventually blurted it out to. It was a mistake in hindsight to swear him to secrecy because it just made him more worried about me.

@Soontobe60 unfortunately I don’t think that was the case. He was supportive during the physical part of the miscarriage but once that was over and I was still struggling after the loss he couldn’t comprehend why I’d be upset and told me I just needed to get over it and move on. He will occasionally reassure me if I’m worried about something but is quite dismissive about mental health struggles in general and will often just tell me I’m being ridiculous. I am close to 100% sure he’s not in anyway worried about me as he quite often will say in regards to me speaking to the perinatal mental health team that there’s nothing really wrong with me and do I even need to be speaking to them. Knowing how persistent his Mum can be and that he finds it hard to stand up to her it’s more likely he just wasn’t able to not give her the answers she wanted even if it meant hurting me and breaking my trust in the process.

Poor you OP. I'd be very annoyed. Regardless of what it is and why you don't want it shared, if you tell someone something in confidence it should stay that way. If he was under pressure from his mum he could have just said well obviously you're a bag of nerves after the miscarriage and left it at that.

Perhaps separating it from the mental health and boiling it down to 'you shared something I told you in confidence and specifically asked you not to tell this person' might help him understand?

(I feel raw about it from my mum sharing my pregnancy to all her friends at only 6 weeks and making the excuse 'but I was excited' )