Planned pregnancy at 39 now feels overwhelming with limited support & SEN children.

[Autisticfamily]

I am 39, I have a 15 & 12 year old, both autistic, both homeschooled. I get 11 hrs a week respite while they are at clubs. I have no support! My husband is supportive but works long hours.

I am also autistic with mental health issues (although had been stable for a few years).

I always wanted 4 kids but couldn’t add to my family due to the high needs of my other 2, now they are settled it seemed like a good time.

we planned the pregnancy but when I got to 5 weeks panic hit me! Suddenly I don’t know how I will cope!

family members have expressed concerns on how I will manage alone, especially if this child has greater needs. My 15 year old also found out and has not taken the news well! She has shared concerns how this would negatively impact the home and the fact I already spend a lot of time laying down and napping.

my husband will support me in whatever I decide to do.

i want the baby but it does seem I am putting a lot at risk.

has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I have reached out to the perimental health team and sadly the support seem poor if I do struggle!

I am booked in for a termination this Thursday as it seems like everyone has great concerns and I must be the only one who didn’t see them.

DO NOT HAVE A TERMINATION ON THE WORDS OF A 15 YEAR OLD.....

If you choose a termination, make sure it is YOUR decision.

This wasn't an unplanned pregnancy. It was a very much planned and longed for pregnancy. You have taken the time to put this to the back burner so that your teens are old enough and stable enough that you can do this. What's changed, other than other people's reactions?

You aren't going to be tired forever...!
Will your older kids ever be seld sufficient or at least partially (the extent of their needs isn't clear in your post)?

Will the 15yo do GSCEs? Or what is the plan when they start to come of an age that they would ordinarily age out of school?

They will become independent i believe. They are just immature for their ages in some areas, yet my 15 year old is wise beyond on years in other areas.

my daughter will do functional skills & hopefully college but I do worry she will end up like me (i had a breakdown at 20 and haven’t been well enough to work again).

I have a lot of trauma, my kids are my distraction. But I’m concerned I am focusing on another baby to feel a void when it may not be the best decision considering my health.

If they will be mostly self-sufficient, then you really don't have long left to homeschooling them. A new sibling might help with the immaturity also as they will be old enough to help out (with basic tasks or playing obviously, not a parenting role) and see what babies / toddlers entail.

Unfortunately whether you have more children or not, your kids may have breakdowns, particularly if they have additional needs that sway that way. But as always, your family will deal with same if needs arise.

You may not have felt in a position to return to work, but you have raised 2 children. That's not to be shunned... thats a job in itself, particularly when you add in homeschooling.

Did you suffer post-natal anxiety or similar? Or do you mean your general mental health?

When you and DH spoke about trying for another baby... did you or he have any doubts?

You still have some time to think this over only being 5 weeks.

It’s a tough decision for you to make OP and I feel for you, only you know whats right for you. Don’t make the decision based on any one elses opinion, you need to make the decision for yourself whatever you decide.

I suffered with post natal depression with my first born, and I suffer with anixety/depression & adhd. I’m also autistic and have Ehlers-Danlos syndromes.

i had all this before and raised my two kids but i was younger then, once pregnant the reality hit me! People then raised things I hadn’t thought of, like how much harder it will be when peri menopause kicks in on top! & of course the fact that this child could have more severe needs.

I'm autistic,I have ADHD and mental health issues
I have two DC with a diagnosis of autism,and two without a diagnosis..
Your just having a wobble,don't have a termination of a much wanted baby ,it will make your mental health issues much much worse.
You have a great gap between the children,you have focused on the older ones their whole life ,now they can learn to be a little bit independent to let you focus on your health and resting during this pregnancy
The world does not revolve around your autistic children,and it won't hurt them to have to share you with another sibling
My second child was not happy when I was pregnant with my fourth child ,but that was because he was used to having the lions share of attention..he was 10 at the time and perfectly capable of doing more for himself than he did do ..
Youngest child is 16 now and others are in their 2Os
It them all good to share and not have everything done for them .

Thank you.

i have a half nephew with severe needs (violent, non verbal, needs full time carers), so that also has caused me to worry! I don’t have any support and that would be a horrendous situation for all involved. I hadn’t thought of that before but now it’s been highlighted I can’t stop worrying!

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you do. You say it was planned so surely you must have thought about the fact that you have 2 autistic DC already and having a baby at your age would also increase the likelihood of this one having some kind of ND or disability. It doesn't sound as if you are physically or mentally ready for another huge responsibility tbh. Obviously it's your choice but imo I think the termination would probably be the more logical choice.

Keep the planned for child. You will be ok, But do not plan anymore after this for obvious reasons. If that is what you want (3 kids are plenty ) there is a big age gap too so its not so hands on with the other 2, although, yes, mentally draining.

I am a NT mother of 2 ND kids and I am not planning anymore despite the 7 year age gap.

Please keep this baby it was planned and you will regret doing away with the child. All the best, hugs OP.

I think it sounds like a very tough gig to bring another baby into an already hectic family.

Do you have capacity or desire to be potentially home schooling for another 12 years or so? Will you regret your choice to have a third if the child is ND also (which they statistically might be)?

I got very broody when I hit peri menopause. I desperately wanted another baby. I had to decide that it wasn't the best for my family. My children would have less attention, less financial freedom and less space. I would be spending the majority of my adult life parenting. I wanted to carve out a life as myself - not just mum, wife, colleague - but me. Travel, social life, hobbies again.

That urge to have a baby hung around for a few years but it did pass and I'm very glad I have come out the other side of parenting. Now my kids are late teens/early twenties and I am pretty carefree with my scheduling. if my kids go on to have their own children, I'll love being a grandparent, because I'm not absolutely worn out.

ITS NOT YOUR REALITY... again, hugs op 😊

@Autisticfamily You refer to your children as your "distractions". So you have been to ill to work since you were 20 and you need to nap every day because of mh issues. I am not judging you at all because my life looks very similar. I have 2 teens, one autistic. I couldn't possibly be going through another pregnancy now. Perimenopause hit me hard in my forties, I'm 46 but feel exhausted. My goal is to find a part time job (in the mornings when my energy levels are "normal"). Maybe you could try to find a similar goal? Because having a baby at 39 when you already have two SEN kids will be extremely hard. And if it's only to "be distracted" I don't think that's a very good reason to bring in a baby to the mix. What does your dh say? Because he's the one carrying the financial burden of the whole family...

My husband wants another child, but supports me in my decision as he knows I will have to be the main carer.

On the face of it, OP, it doesn’t seem a great setup to bring a baby into. There’s a decent likelihood that the baby will also have SEN, you have no family support, you already spend a lot of time napping and low on energy it sounds like(?) with quite a few health conditions. What is your plan for if you struggle with the baby or if your baby does end up having quite significant SEN? How much have you actually planned for?

It sounds to me like now is the time to be focusing on your own mental and physical health and on what’s quite a tricky time for your existing children as they learn to navigate the world of young adulthood, but only you can know realistically what you can cope with and what sort of life your existing family and the new baby would have together.

I'd have a whole brood of kids if I was hardly ever home and someone else did all of the caretaking. Your husbands' wants are bottom of the heap in terms of considerations for whether this is a good choice for you. What do you want for your life? Do you want to be in your 50s and still being the main caregiver for another young child? Some people absolutely do! If you do - great. If not, you do have options, and it sounds like you have spousal support to explore them.

Also, you've posted this in the Pregnancy forum, which means you're going to get a lot of potentially biased options from women who are either currently pregnant or desperately seeking to be so. I think you'd get a wider range of views in the Chat category.