Am I a bad person?

[Boymammy28]

Hi I was wondering if I could have an opinion on this… I have a 17 month old son & I feel riddled with guilt constantly. For context: I was extremely sick during the 9 months of pregnancy, when I was going through labour (1 week after my due date) I had a very traumatic time, long labour & brought to theatre in case of an emergency c section I received a spinal which went too high & I felt like I was paralysed from the neck down I even lost the ability to speak. In the end my baby was born my forceps but when this happened I was unconscious with a gas mask on. I also lost 2 litres of blood but I feel so so so guilty constantly for the bad feelings I had when I was pregnant & through labour, particularly when I felt “paralysed” I remember clearly thinking “I hope I die here I can’t cope anymore dying would be easier”. I missed the birth of my baby boy, and when I woke up I still wasn’t in a fit state to hold him until a few hours later. I can’t believe as a mummy I felt that way I feel like such a bad person for it & even in the months after I was extremely depressed, things are looking up now but the pang of guilt is still playing in my head. Am I a bad person? I know I’m not a good person but I really wish I had some clarity on this I feel really horrible about those thoughts, what kind of mummy thinks that way when they’re about to give birth to a beautiful wee baby.. I love him unconditionally but I am weighed down by the thought of me wishing life away & leaving my baby without a mummy because of a bad experience.
Am I a bad person?

Oh OP, you’re not a bad person in the slightest. Pregnancy and labour can be absolutely gruelling mentally and physically. Please speak to your GP about this, it sounds like a potential mix of PND and PTSD from the birth. You may also benefit from unpacking it with a counsellor.
Be kind to yourself. You went through a lot and just because you’re a Mum, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have felt alarmed for your own life during the birth.

What kind of mummy? One undergoing a massive trauma, like you were. You did nothing wrong op, sounds like you're working through you pnd and love your baby. That's all that matters.

Why do yo u say you're not a good person?

You are not a bad person at all, you went through something really traumatic and in the moment wanted it to be over. That's a normal response that the vast majority of people would have in a moment of terror- you were exhausted from labour and then terrified- its totally understandable!

PND is brutal and comes with all sorts of guilt but the fact you feel guilt shows you are a good person and love your baby (not that you have anything to feel guilty about). Try and be kind to yourself. As a PP has said, it might be worth going for some therapy to work through those feelings.

You’re not a bad person, you couldn’t control any of those things? I had the same; i didnt hold mine for a few hours. It hadn’t worried me

You are not a bad person. If you were a bad person or a bad Mum you wouldn’t even be asking that question.

When my daughter was born and I first saw her (and I’m finding it even hard to write this here) I felt disappointment. Because she was all puffy and not like the baby I’d imagined at all. She deserved all the love and welcome and I didn’t feel it. And even tho it was only a fleeting feeling, I am still carrying that and feel guilty about it. We’re told that we’re meant to feel nothing but joy and love and when we feel something else we feel guilty.

I have OCD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which makes it hard fo me to get over something like that. But I can’t let it overtake me because if I did, then maybe it would impact my feelings about motherhood.

I am sad that I felt that. But it doesn’t make me love her any less and it certainly doesn’t make me a bad Mum. There have been 7 years since of loving her and caring for her. Those are the bits that make me a Mum, not the negative thought I had at the birth.

You are a good person and a good Mum. And so am I. Good people sometimes think and feel negative things. That’s ok. And it’s normal. But if you are finding that it is overwhelming you then it’s good to seek help and support to allow you to move forwards.

sending lots of love x

When I was in labour with my first child, I kept saying (out loud) 'I wish I was dead!'. I was really struggling and the midwife was trying to reassure me by saying 'Baby is doing well' but I did not care about baby at all, and remember thinking 'BUT WHAT ABOUT ME!'. When baby was born, I was shown my bundle of joy and and said 'Oh right. Can I sleep now?'

Childbirth stretches you to beyond your normal limits and pushes you off a cliff of the things you would normally do and say. I had 3 grisly, gruesome and terrifying births in their own way and 100% relate to the desperation for it all to be over, at any cost. Your brain is just trying to make all the suffering stop and it isn't a true reflection of how you feel.

Do get therapy because youve been through an immense trauma. Try to compartmentalise any comments that say 'the most important thing is a healthy baby'. People kept saying that to me and it slowed melt emotional recovery way down. Birth trauma doesn't work like that and you need to work through all of the terror and pain that you experienced before you can think about your child. When people kept saying 'as long as you've a healthy baby', I remember thinking 'but, I'm not talking about the baby...none of that happened to him'.

So just focus on you for a while until you deal with what happened, and remember that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for. You went through a dreadful ordeal and need time to heal.

Fwiw I have a great relationship with my kids despite wishing I would die in childbirth at the time!

Oh and I was separated from my first baby for 2 hours after the birth, was barely conscious after the second and the third was in NICU for the first 24 hours. I didnt have any kind of Golden Hour with any of them and we all love eachother 😀