Partner is distant and regrets pregnancy at nine weeks.

[MsSmileySunshine]

Hi all, I’m really struggling and could do with some perspective.
I’m 9 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I’ve been with my partner for 14 years - he’s in his 50s and I’m mid-30s. He was previously divorced (which took years to resolve) and has two grown-up children in their late 20s, and we all get along well. I’m in the relationship because I love and care deeply about him, and I suppose I always hoped we’d eventually build a family together.
Recently though, he’s said he doesn’t want to have any more children as he values his “freedom” at this stage in his life. I understand some of his worries about becoming a father again at his age or the potential fear. We’ve also built a life together over the years including an amazing home and a lifestyle we wanted, and I’ve also told him recently I would really like us to have a child together and a chance to become a mother, especially after feeling like we have dedicated so much already to our relationship (we have been engaged for the last couple of years).
Since finding out I’m pregnant, he’s become very cold and distant with me. He barely talks to me all day, and has said a couple of times when questioned that he really regrets this decision, and that in a moment of weakness he gave in to what I wanted. He doesn’t sleep in the same room as me anymore. It’s making me feel incredibly alone, anxious and most of the time very sad. I’m bracing myself to go through maternity appointments on my own.
We also had two early miscarriages about 10 years ago, which were not planned. We came to terms with them at the time but never told anyone. Even then it felt like he was very worried about his ex-wife and family finding out because he was in the middle of his divorce, and that along with what happened to me stopped me from thinking about starting a family back then. I know all of that is adding to how scared I feel now going through this pregnancy feeling so alone.
I’m really worried about what the future looks like and don’t know how to move forward from here.
I’ve tried to talk to him but he doesn’t say much. I don’t know whether to keep trying or give him more space and hopes he comes around to this 'fate'. Can anyone offer any advice?
He has said he doesn’t want this child and feels full of regret. I feel like he may want to end this relationship based on fear. I feel very lost.

I think he is being cold and distant in order to manipulate you to end the pregnancy.

You need to decide what you can live with. Do you want to continue the relationship with him and end the pregnancy or continue the pregnancy and see what happens and if he stays?

Personally, I'm not sure if your relationship can survive. I wouldn't want to be around someone who treated me so badly. He's been cold and manipulative in a time when you're very vulnerable.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's normal for him to be scared and to feel fear because his/ your life is going to change. Its not normal to stonewall your partner, sleep in a separate room and punish them for a discussion made jointly.

I would keep the child at your age and ditch the man. You're mid 30s. I'd be reluctant to end a wanted pregnancy at mid 30s.

I’m sorry OP, I can imagine how hard this must be.

Part of me thinks maybe it is shock and he will come around but the other part of me thinks actually he’s already in his 50’s, it’s very possible he genuinely does not want to start again with the baby/toddler/young child years and so he would rather leave than change his mind.

In your shoes I would be thinking about whether I am prepared to be a single mum, because I think really that’s where this is headed.

It sounds like he's telling the truth - he didn't really want another child, but relented thinking it'd make you happy. But it's tough for him, having unprotected sex knowing the other person wants to be pregnant isn't something you can do to get someone off your back and then be annoyed when the very expected thing happens - you're pregnant now, so at the bare minimum he'll have to pay child support, etc.

And it does sound like you should start considering what support you'll have in place if he doesn't suddenly 'come round' to the idea. He sounds fairly sure (as a lot of people would be, with grown up children, when they're already in their 50s) that he doesn't really want to be a parent to a small child, so you need to think about what family support is nearby, your financial plan, etc. You're not passive in this situation and you don't have to sit around waiting for him to change his mind - not only might he not, but you'll lose valuable time coming to terms with what you need to plan and consider should he decide to end the relationship and not be overly involved.

Maybe he'll get excited, maybe he won't. But put yourself and your child first - congratulations, it sounds like you really want to be a mum and that's a good start for whatever happens next!

(Honestly I am side-eying a man who met someone in their early 20s - not much older than his own kids - when he was 40-odd in the first place.)

I'm sorry @MsSmileySunshine

From what you've said, I think that sadly, you've both been avoiding the truth for years. You want a child and he's never wanted another one, you have different life goals.

Now the baby is on its way, you'll both have to come to terms with this and it may end your relationship. You want this baby though so as @scoopsahoooy
says, don't wait around for him to "come around", focus on what you need to have in place for you and your baby.

Did you properly discuss having a child or was it a decision made in the heat of the moment? I’m in my late 50s and the thought of having another child would be awful for me so I can understand his point of view. He will be in his 70s and still having a child living at home?
He obviously been an idiot to allow it to happen and his nasty behaviour about it is awful. It’s cruel. Refusing to discuss it is childish and unkind.
If it was me I’d consider abortion but I understand that for many women that would not be somethin* they could consider. I really wouldn’t want to bring a child into the world where I know it’s unwanted by the father. There is nothing wrong at all with being a single mother but to have a child when I know the Dad is resentful seems like a good way to screw a kid up. I’d prefer to have a child on my own.

I think your relationship might be over whether you keep this baby or not. His behaviour is appalling.

Do you feel able to be a single parent, with him paying CMS?

The OP Would only be able to count on CMS for 10 years at best that’s it if he’s in his 50s - it’s not payable from pensions….. he could take early retirement and not pay a penny

He's been really unfair to you and shouldn't have agreed to try for a baby in a 'moment of weakness'. What was he thinking. He will be in his 60's with a primary aged child - a sobering thought and one that would fill most people with dread.

Op, this is selfish man speak for "I'm going to make you feel so sad, depressed, guilty and alone that you terminate a much wanted pregnancy." A thoroughly horrible thing to do.

Do not let him do that to you. You are not a teenager, you are a grown woman, and are capable of raising a child on your own. He slept with you knowing what the outcome would be. You have every right to keep your child.
Prepare yourself to go it alone. He will have to pay cms for the first 10 years by which time your dc will not need childcare and you will be able to survive on your own. My ex did the exact same thing to me. I went ahead and had ds who is 17 now. Ex has a good if fairly passive relationship with him. He sees him most weeks.
I'm sorry your dp is being an arse but congratulations on your pregnancy. xx

I think reality has hit him that he’s in his 50s and the child won’t be independent till hes in his late 70s/early 80s. I think your relationship is well & truly over just be careful as CMS cannot deduct from a pension.

I think you need to make peace with the fact that it’s likely you will be a single parent. Are you financially independent? Is the house half yours? I would be making plans if I were you.

You clearly want to be a mum. Good luck. This happens to a lot of women unfortunately!

He should’ve had the snip to prevent a pregnancy…can’t say I blame him, I’m in my 50’s certainly wouldn’t want to have to raise another child 🫤

I agree with others, prepare to be a single parent unfortunately. He’s been daft for making this choice, but he can’t take it back. Don’t let him manipulate you into anything OP, he knew exactly what he was doing, he needs to live with it. Good luck with it all OP 💐

He’s been very silly to give in to you. I don’t know anyone in their 50s who’d want a baby.

You need to face up to the fact you’re going to be a single parent if you continue with the pregnancy.

You have two choices - become a single mother - or terminate and leave him.

Don’t kid yourself that this relationship can be resurrected. It’s already dead.

Have the child if this is what you truly want, but don’t underestimate how tough this may turn out to be.

I am sorry, but best face realities rather than hoping this will turn out fine.