Anxious about finding out the baby's sex after a healthy scan

[DefiantRabbit9]

This is my first baby I'm 20 weeks and in a week and 4 days time I'll know whether I'm having a boy or girl. Up until now I've not cared for one second about gender.

Today we had the cardiology scan the last big warning area and the baby is healthy (physically anyway). Heart looks great, brain has formed well and spine is perfect. My baby has a face and it's got my cute button nose. Then I felt a pang of horror, what if it's a girl and she has to suffer as I did in the world?

I shrugged it off because I ultimately don't know anything but now I keep getting these intrusive thoughts. Horrible echoes of my female experience happening to my daughter like it's a curse destined to repeat itself like some greek tragedy. It's like my brain won't let me be happy that my beautiful baby is healthy. This is my first negative experience of pregnancy and I really want to get through it as fast as possible.

Did anyone have this whilst pregnant and how did you process it and come out the other side?

How did you suffer? What are you actually worrying about?

Presumably you don’t have to find out whether you are having a boy or a girl? You could just wait until they are born?

The world is a very different place now. There is a lot more awareness and less inappropriate behaviour than even when I grew up in the 2000s.

Well getting hit on when I was 13 by adult males isn't a great start, being valued only for my looks and reproductive system, having to work 4 times as hard to get a quarter of the respect, being constantly overturned for promotion in favour of the Y chromos, the gender pain gap isn't fun, oh there's the various forms of abuse I suffered at the hands of men. Not to mention the constant criticism, judgement and demonising. Short answer I hate society treated me and I don't want a daughter of mine to suffer the same fate.

Would you not feel equally as bad, or worse, if you found at you were having a boy? As you've had so many bad experiences with men?

🤦‍♀️

I am sorry you had such bad experiences, but it is not like that for everyone. I didn't have the same experiences as you, and actually enjoy being a woman. Hopefully if you have a daughter, you can help her navigate the world. If you have a son, bring him up to respect women. I think your hormones are colouring your thoughts.

Don't find out the sex until the birth, problem solved. If it's a girl you will be overjoyed, if it's a boy you will be overjoyed. I had surprises and it was lovely finding out at the birth.

Whilst I didn't feel as you do, I don't see why you'd find out the sex then? Just don't? I didn't with any of mine, I wasn't bothered what sex they were so thought may as well just find out when they arrive.

Other than the being hit on by adult males which is of course disgusting, this is really weird. You seem to have quite a victim mentality going on?

Congrats on your baby I am sure you’ll adore whatever you have and be a great mum.

OK, but you’re either having a girl, whom you see as a future victim of patriarchy or a boy, whom you presumably see as a perpetrator?

It’s a man’s world. We all know this. You have to raise your daughter to be resilient and hard working. That’s just the way it is. If you had a boy you’d worry about him becoming one of these predators you talk about. When you become a parent everything worries you.

Basically I want to process whatever this is be it hormonal, my own life experiences colouring my view, anxiety towards an unknown future before the baby is born so I can move past it and go back to being an amazing mother.

I know it's horrible to say but most of these toxic men have either toxic male role models or no male role models at all. My husband is one of the most balanced and chill men on the planet and I have a swarm of positive men (which definitely contributes to my unending frustration) in my family so it feels like the battle with that is half won.

Serious response here Mama - I experienced this exact intrusive whilst pregnant and before just before finding out the gender. I could have written this myself. Do not listen to these unhelpful, borderline rude responses.
Unfortunately, with many disturbing intrusive thoughts and compulsions, I ended up under the Perinatal Mental Health Team and was diagnosed with perinatal OCD.
I would urge you to take this thought serious as our mental health can very well decline throughout pregnancy and more so during the postnatal period. Midwives will understand you, don't be afraid to tell them exactly how you feel/think so they can get you the right help. I would suggest mentioning this to your midwife.

Thank you so much! Funnily enough I do have a few OCD tendancies so this might be just the thing. My next midwife appointment is on the 22nd so I'll speak to them about it then xx.