Help. Please

[Isabellex95]

I don’t know how to even write this without tearing apart. I’m in my early 30’s and for the past 4 years I’ve experienced 3 abortions. The only way I can explain is that everytime I’m not pregnant.. I feel like I’m me. I’m fine. My mind is calm, yes I have low moods before my period but I feel like I’m genuinely myself. But as soon as I find out im pregnant I get this overwhelming fear/anxiety and sevear intrusive thoughts. I can’t eat, sleep. And I’ll shake all day in constant anxiety, it’s honestly so unbareable that I can’t cope that the only relief is to terminate everytime. I feel so alone in this… and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m currently pregnant just past 5 weeks.. and the emotions are the worst they have ever felt. I can’t concentrate, I can’t eat, sleep, I’ve physically lost 13 pounds in 2 weeks with the crippling anxiety. The intrusive ocd thoughts are so overbearing… I can’t even think. I just want to feel like myself and I don’t think I can go on anymore longer. I’ve gone to A and E but everything is a waiting game with seeing midwives ect but honestly I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I also feel so dissociated from my body that I can’t connect to anything and my urge is to remove the pregnancy. Please please someone say I’m not alone in this. If I was to terminate again how can I really get the help I need?!. How can I stop this aggressive traumatic distress triggered by pregnancy

This happened to me too. Ended up having terminations for completely planned pregnancies twice because I actually thought I was losing my mind. It was like I became someone else entirely - couldn't function - eat, sleep, work anything. I got to 9 and 6 weeks before terminating. I was under perinatal mental health but found them to be useless before 12 weeks.

In the end I was referred to a proper psychiatrist and was diagnosed with a form of perinatal OCD. Nobody could really tell me why it happens to me or what exactly it was about pregnancy that triggered it, but I've been able to successfully have a child now using a combination of therapy and SSRIs. She's 4.5 now and the light of my life.

I would get yourself some proper help in place ASAP - privately if necessary. I will say that I found my successful pregnancy got easier the further through I got although I remained anxious until the end. I never got proper answers about the 'whys' as the brain and body can be strange things but if it helps, you absolutely aren't alone. Sending you so much strength and positive wishes that you have a successful pregnancy this time around OP.

honestly this feels like a weight being lifted of my shoulders seeing that someone else has also been through this. It’s so unbearable and I found that petals even though I wasn’t pregnant at the time of therapy as I had to wait so long for the appointment did help but I have come to realise that it may of not helped at all and that I needed intense therapy and medication to be able to really get to the bottom of all this. I’m really struggling as it is and it feels so distressing as a little part of me is telling me I could do this but all of my body seems to be shutting down and rejecting the pregnancy. Would you mind messaging me private and tell me what got said for you.

I do already suffer with OCD but it’s always been the cleaning top to bottom day in day out in my house which I’ve managed by giving myself 2 hours a day to complete and I’ve pushed myself to even leave my routines to go and socialise and live a normal life. But the ocd in pregnancy feels like crippling intrusive thoughts and my body is shaking from the anxiety and distress each time

I have OCD OP and I can totally understand where youre coming from. Im in third trimester and currently having therapy for OCD. My mental health team said gold standard for OCD is medication and therapy. Whilst you wait for therapy id see GP and start medication ASAP.
The thing is with OCD we struggle to accept uncertainty so that's why youre having these what if thoughts. Its not you its because being pregnant and uncertainty of futyre presents a lack of control. But as you have said you know you would be a good mom. I recommend a book called Freedom from Obsessive-compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty
Book by Jonathan Grayson
Its one of the best ones ive read.

Take each day as it comes, the first trimester does drag but after that it flies by. Be patient with medication too. I always say after 2 weeks ir so youll wake up and its like your mind goes quiet 🤞

Hi yes of course I will message this evening 💗