Pregnant after splitting up and anxious about telling family and friends

[BlueberryA22]

Hi all, I just need some advice if anyone is able to help as I don’t feel comfortable talking to any of my family and friends yet, long story short I guess I have been with my partner for 5 years and we was trying for a baby with no luck, our relationship really went sour and we would argue all the time ( he can be quite controlling & angry) so we recently split up around January but we slept together again and now I’m pregnant I guess the timing is very weird as I was getting my life together being happy and active not paranoid or full of anxiety but now everything we wanted is happening but it’s just like why now I felt like I closed that chapter in my life, my family and friends were happy that we split up they said I’ve looked happier than I ever did while with him & now I’m scared to tell everyone they don’t think I’m speaking to him, what if there all disappointed in me and i know shouldn’t care about other people’s opinions however they all helped me get out of a dark place, any advise is welcomed. On a separate note I’m really happy to be pregnant and I want to celebrate this but again I’m nervous people won’t be happy for me.

Are you sure you want to have a baby with (even if you're not together) someone who "he can be quite controlling & angry"?

Does he know?

Good luck with this though.

This is another thing that I’m uncertain of, since we split he has been committed to working on himself and getting he’s act together but Iknow that can all change I guess it’s a mixture of something I wanted for so long alongside the reality of the actual situation, also yes he knows & he’s happy on board with whatever I would like to do however he has the same worries that I do

Honestly I would not be committing to a lifetime of being attached to this man via a shared child. I’m seeing my sister going through the exact same thing and it’s killing her, she only has 50% custody of her own child and the poor kiddo OSS constantly so confused and in a state of crisis. She’s a tiny little personality disorder in the making and it cripples me that I can see all of this going on and can do nothing about it. Her dad is an absolute A hole who uses the toddler to manipulate the mother and it’s a mess. She isn’t a happy child, constantly being shipped between a calm house and a crazy house. Her pain is palpable and the courts just don’t care providing he’s producing proof from the drug team that he’s attending therapy and had negative tests. I honestly very much doubt that this poor girl will ever be a happy adult. At 3 she’s already very troubled.

And just so you know, he won’t change at all. They never do. They just leave a trail of heartbreak and destruction and no child deserves to have that trauma inflicted on them.

So you’ve gone back to someone you know is awful, your family know he’s awful and your friends know he’s awful. What on earth do you want your friends and family to do? They’d be best to step away if you’re so determined to tie yourself to him.

And yes, you are choosing to go back to a life you knew wasn’t good for you. What a weird thing to do.

Thank you for sharing that was really helpful

This.

Be ready to leave the moment he drops the pretence and reverts to his usual controlling self. Make your exit plan now, and make clear to your family that you will leave if necessary.

Awww OP. Any emotionally mature decent minded family and friends will realise you need support, not judgement.

what are you family and friends like? Are you close?

Hey, I understand everyone has their own opinions, but your response comes across quite judgmental and based on assumptions about my situation. I’m not defending anyone’s behaviour I’m just trying to navigate something that isn’t as simple as it might seem from the outside. I came here for advice and support because I don’t feel comfortable speaking to friends and family about it, so responses like that don’t really help they just make an already difficult situation feel worse. A bit more empathy wouldn’t go amiss, it might be worth thinking about how you speak to people in situations like this.

Thank you for your response i really appreciate it, I have 2 really close friends and my mum can be supportive but she deals with her own issues, I’m going to speak to a support service next week hopefully I can get some guidance x

1. is there an absolute need at this point to tell him the child is his?
2. Could you simply keep the child’s paternity ambiguous to friends and family “I’ve been on a few dates, I’m going to do this on my own”.
3. Plan being a single parent, no CMS claim etc.

It’s a very difficult situation you are in! On one hand, I can see how happy you are being pregnant and on the other hand, you seemed to have realised the relationship was your baby’s dad is not healthy and it was the right thing to do that you split up. Furthermore, you were able to fall pregnant could be to do with your aren’t anxious and stressed and actually being happy after splitting up!

i can understand the joy of being pregnant after wanting it for some time but like many said above, it’s important to consider the consequences, not just how your life will be changed by it but also how this baby’s life will be. Assuming the scenario that you will be back together with the dad, it doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all and more often than not, people can change temporarily but very hard to stay changed. With a kid in the picture, breaking up will be a lot more difficult. Then the other scenario, you become a single mum with the dad in the picture, given the history of his behaviour as your described “controlling and angry”, anything that doesn’t go his way in the next 18 years, things can erupt. Again the effect on the child and yourself will be massive. Last scenario, you will be a single mum without him in the picture, a lot simpler but then being a single mum is very hard, between work, home as well as demand of a child it sometimes can overwhelms anyone. I am sure you aren’t thinking whether you will go on dates to meet other people but this will certainly add challenges. All the scenarios is less than ideal from a bystander point of view but of course you will have to decide what’s right for you. If you were choosing to keep the baby, then you will need to have faith in your family and friends who will be there for you. I don’t know what they are like, I know my mum is very judgement, although she’s help but she would never let me forget I chose this path and etc. either way, it will be an uphill. It will a very hard journey, however the alternative to explore the unknown to wait and meet someone kind and nice and then have a family, that could be tomorow but equally can be months or years, it’s the uncertainty that makes us fear. From where I stand and I read, I’d give the unknown a go and believe in the odds will be with that than stick with the current situation. It’s a pretty crazy world as is, personally I’d try and minimise anything else that could make it worse. However the decision is yours and no one else can know your mind better and no one else will live your life. Good luck with whatever you decide.

So are you with your ex still or not. It's not clear. But in the end it's your life not theirs. If they disapprove that's ok let them. You'll just have to say well I've made the decision now and I'm having this baby end off.