Facing pregnancy single, not by choice.

[Sweetwaffle]

Not really sure what to gain from posting here, I don't usually reach out to strangers regarding personal matters. But maybe someone who has lived similar circumstances might have a few words of wisdom for me.

I'd started a new relationship after a few years of being single. I fell pregnant very quickly, obviously unplanned, and a silly mistake from us both. Things were going great initially, we both liked each other, had a great connection and I could see us in a long term relationship.

We were both very shocked when we found out about the pregnancy. He didn't say much, but did say that he would stick around. We continued seeing each other, going on dates etc, and continued to be intimate. We were seeing each other for a couple of months in total, yes, a very short time. We're both adults in a decent position in life with full time jobs. I thought that things would work out okay in the end.

Only last week id told him about my first appointment and he offered to come with me. Then a couple of days after, it seems as though he changed his mind overnight. He says he can't do it, and is in no place to bring up a baby. He already has a child to previous relationship, and seems like an amazing Dad. One of the points he made when we first started dating was that next time he had a baby, he wants to do it 'the right way', being in a committed, happy relationship before having a baby. I do agree with this as this is how I would have done it too. Every negative point he's made, ive tried to find a solution, but he just says he doesn't want it. He won't reach out and speak to anyone for support in helping him make this decision.

The bottom line is, he wants to completey cut ties with me, and have no involvement with the baby at all. He says if im choosing to continue with the pregnancy, thats my choice and basically I have to deal with it.

I find this incredibly selfish, cold hearted, and unsupportive. He knows I wanted a child (I dont have any and im 36, so is fully aware that terminating is not an option for me). He seemed like a really good guy, I did not expect this reaction from him whatsoever. I cant get my head around how someone could do that?

I know that I will be a great mum, I've imagined it for a long time, and I have fantastic support from friends and family. I have my own home and a secure job. It won't be easy but I know I can do this solo. The thing thats really bothering me at the moment, is that I just dont feel happy, or excited about the pregnancy at all. Which is really sad, because I'd imagined it to feel totally different. It should be the happiest time of my life. In totally honesty, at this very moment I feel like I dont want it either, but it's not as easy for me to walk away. I can't terminate, I would regret it forever.

So im hoping in time I will begin to feel different. And still hoping that he will change his mind and want to know his child, although I don't want to hold onto that hope.

If anyone has any similar experiences, or anything at all to help me figure out what im feeling, id be truly greatful.

Thank you.

I’m sorry OP it does sound like a really tough position to be in. One of my friends was in your position a few years ago and continued the pregnancy and I know she did find pregnancy difficult, seeing couples at scan appointments etc but she always had one of us with her and she was never alone, having a good support network is so important.

I know it isn’t what you imagined pregnancy to look like and I think it is okay, healthy even, to acknowledge that and sit with it in order to accept the way things are.

Lean on your support network, the people who love you and want to help. It is not an easy road but that doesn’t mean it isn’t special in its own way.

For what its worth I would focus on accepting his decision not to be involved rather than hope he will change his mind. They rarely do and holding on to that hope will only hurt you in the long run. Good luck x

I think you will be an amazing mum OP. I can just tell from the way you’ve written it all (and I have 3!) you’ll smash this xx

I'm sorry you've been so badly let down. It's perfectly understandable that you don't feel giddy with excitement. You know this is ultimately what you want but you also know it will be challenging and you've been really hurt. Plus you must be feeling that he's spoiled a significant life event you've always looked forward to. If you really have made up your mind to keep the baby, I'd cut ties asap to avoid further hurt and begin to plan a life for you and your baby. Take your time to process all this. You WILL feel different, but don't let your feelings depend on him being around.

He has been very clear with you. Women overall tend to hope there is something going on in men’s minds but they are generally simple buggers and don’t multi layer thinking like women.

He still slept with you because what’s the worse that can happen ? You were already pregnant.

I know two women who were abandoned when pregnant that kept their kids and those kids are now in their twenties. One has an alright life and the other doesn’t. Both of their kids do have some issues never knowing their Fathers. One it’s mild and just a sadness that is something easy to live with. The other has huge issues and is obnoxious, but he is a lad so wonder if that makes any difference.

Neither of these women ended up in relationships that lasted though one had an opportunity.

At 36 it’s probably your only chance for a child so embrace that as seems like you always wanted kids. My SIL wanted kids and never had them, she is so bitter about it, don’t be like her.

I understand why you are still hopeful, it's natural that it's hard to let go in these circumstances, but I think you need to try really hard to draw a line under your relationship with this man, accept he is no longer part of your life and block him out (emotionally and literally).

Although I think it's terrible that some men don't take any responsibility, he sounds like a total POS so if you're in a good place financially I'd be tempted to simply go it entirely alone so you don't have to get into CMA claims and you're free of him entirely. I think that's an easier life on balance (if you do need the money that's a different matter).

He's not a good man and at this point even if he came crawling back (which I fear is highly unlikely) I'd advise you to have as little to do with him as possible.

Thank you all for your insight and support, you all speak a lot of sense. Much appreciated x

je sounds a horribly selfish creature. Make sure you tell his parents their son is going to be a father.

It is frightening in the early days, but you can do this and you can be a great mum by yourself. Even if he doesn’t want to be involved he will still be liable for maintenance.