In a right old muddle and would appreciate any advice/ guidance.
Currently parent to 2.5 yo little boy. Joyous but very strong willed. Sleep has always been a problem but feel like we’re finally in a groove.
Relationship with dh has been very up and down the past few years. I’ve considered leaving many times, however we always seem to muddle through. He’s not a bad man, but can make me feel pretty rubbish about myself sometimes and often isn’t very supportive/kind when I’m ill/pregnant.
Please no judgement (I already judge myself every day!) but last year was very tricky. We decided we were ready for #2, however I ended up struggling extremely mentally and ended up having 2 early terminations due to my mh and dh being so unsupportive.I didn’t tell him, I just told him it did not work out and he asked no further questions. It broke me.
Fast forward to this year. I’ve been using cycle tracking (as dh still wants #2) to try to subtly avoid getting pregnant, however admit getting wrapped up in the ‘what ifs’, baby talk and sex. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant again and a dark cloud has arrived. The thought of sleepless nights, another C section, awful mh and an already rocky marriage is tipping me over the edge. Am I a horrific person for considering a third termination.
I had so much I wanted to do this year after so many years of struggling. Am I a total asshole? I’d love two children, but the thought of going all the way back terrifies me. Don’t know where to turn!