Unexpected third pregnancy: struggling with dread, guilt and hoping for miscarriage

[Anon108642]

TW mention of miscarriage/unwanted pregnancy

This is my 3rd baby, im 42 in August, happily married and have 2 lovely little girls aged 2 and 1, this was an unexpected pregnancy and i cannot get on board with it, im 9+5, had an early scan (hoping it wasn't viable) and I know all is fine as my symptoms are on fire, but this is where it gets awkward, I keep hoping I have a miscarriage, like every day I think about it.

I had a MMC back in 2022 and it nearly destroyed me so thinking like this is woeful, feels so alien and I know so bad when so many people would love to be in my position.

I am starting to show a tiny bit, obviously bloat but I can't look at myself, I wake up in the morning with a dread of the day, im dreading starting to show properly it gives me the ick the thought of it, I cant explain.

My biggest worries are handling 3 small children 3 and under, having to go on maternity leave again when id just got back into swing of my job, im afraid work will be annoyed as well at me being off again basically 3 years in a row, 3 children to put through childcare which is ridiculously expensive, and an overwhelming worry there will be something wrong with the baby and my life will be over and family changed forever.

I just felt like id started to get my life back, I was really enjoying my wee family and now I feel completely lost, I am daydreaming about miscarriage constantly, I considered ending it for a few weeks, even got the medication but i just couldn't, it is far from who i am, I felt way worse when I was considering that tbh.

I had undiagnosed pre natal depression last 3 months of my last pregnancy and those feelings have all resurfaced as well its invading every waking thought I have, I feel debilitated, has anyone else ever felt like this ? did you resent the baby? also I feel terrible guilt about how I feel, like what if there is something wrong with the baby did I wish it on it, im really struggling and I am finding it hard to talk to my husband as there isnt much more to say

if you made it through thank you, I just needed this off my chest

Congratulations.

A friend of mine had her children in very rapid succession.

They are all best friends.

The first four years of a child’s life can be extremely stressful. They get older and it absolutely becomes easier.

Have an abortion. Your worries are sensible and valid. I’m sure anyone who knew your circumstances would understand. You do not have to have this baby. Consider where you would rather be in six months’ time: over it and back to something extremely close to normal, or approaching the last three months of a reluctant pregnancy? Sending a big hug. X

I had a 3rd child in very similar circumstances OP. It was so hard to get my head around my feelings. I had IVF for the first 2 and had felt the pain of infertility for a long time. Then, totally unexpectedly I fell pregnant naturally. You would think this would be the amazing thing ever but I was distraught. I hoped for a miscarriage and kept researching when I could have one. I cried every day and tried to explain how I felt. I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy until really late. At every scan I hoped the baby was in unviable. It was a horrible time.

DH was incredibly happy and excited and didn't want me to have a termination. He was also worried I would regret it in years to come. I struggled to access any help from any agencies as they were mostly for loss/termination.

At 20 weeks I told the midwife (yet again) that I didn't want the baby and that was hoping at the 20 week scan that the baby had died. I was very upset and at thay point she referred me to the perinatal mental health team. They were great and offered lots of support and therapy for the next 20 weeks.

I did struggle a lot, my mental health was in the gutter, I was physically struggling with PGP, COVID and endless lockdowns. When I did give birth it was in isolation as I was COVID positive. It was a very hard time and I really disassociated with the whole situation. Even on the morning of the birth I was pretending I wasn't there and it wasn't happening.

After the birth, I did bond with the baby and she fitted right into the family perfectly. I kept going to counselling and started Sertraline which massively helped me (I still take it now).

I'm now 5 years on. LO has been a total joy and having 3 kids has been completely fine. They get on really well and we have loads and loads of fun as a family of 5. It's been nice extending the 'baby' stage a little bit as I love babies and infants.

That said, in my heart of hearts if I could change it I probably would. I genuinely believe family life would be easier with just two children. I absolutely love the primary school years, they are so much easier than the toddler stage. Having 2 at primary would be so, so much more straightforward. Everything has had to change - holidays, cars, I had to give up my office at home to become a bedroom, childcare has been incredibly complex to arrange. Everything is just a bit more difficult.

I adore my youngest. I really do. She is hilarious and fun and energetic, she's super cute and incredibly loving. I can't wait to see what she makes of her life and who she becomes and it is a privilege to be her mum. Her siblings worship her. But I cannot change the complex emotions around her conception and birth and life since she arrived.

This is obviously just my own story, but I struggled to find anyone to relate to when I was in your shoes so I just want you to know I understand.

I'm sure you know this but you don't have to have it? All your concerns are totally valid. You come first here, don't bring a child into the world that isn't 100% wanted by both parents. What does your partner think?

Thank you, this is definitely very similar to me, im afraid of speaking to health professionals incase they think im nuts or a danger to the baby etc when it's born and get social services involved which worries me, I assume they dont do things like that ? It is reassuring to know im not only person felt like this, it feels very unnatural

he is reconciled to having the baby now, we really did struggle first few weeks discussing should I end it, but this is decision weve made, I couldnt bring myself to ending it, its a catch 22 situation I know and I know i shouldn't really complain when I could technically make the problem go away.

Both of us would have been anti abortion before all of this if im honest, im not so much now as ive walked a mile in the shoes of someone in a desperate situation and nothing gives you perspective like going through it yourself, that said abortion isnt the answer now its off the table I couldn't do it

duplicate

I was afraid of the same thing but no, they are used to expectant mothers suffering complex feelings, especially if you can get a referral to the perinatal mental health team. They are specially trained in pregnant women.

I knew in myself I wouldn't hurt the baby but I wanted it to disappear somehow of its own accord. It was totally irrational and mixed up but that's how these things can be. I think they were also content that I had good support around me from family etc.

that's it, i dont want to be pregnant but I dont want to do anything about it, i want it to magically disappear, childish I know, I feel very detached its so hard to explain but I think you definitely get it

I'm so the same as you - before this I felt I would never have an abortion (although supported the choice of other women, I couldn't really understand it). I felt I learned so much from the experience to broaden my understanding of why women might make the choice to terminate and why I would have made that choice. It was (and continues to be) a learning experience!

Can you ask your GP to refer you to perinatal mental health services, based on your previous pre natal depression, and symptoms returning?

How incredibly unhelpful in this particular situation

Oh poor you OP, this is horrible for you. If you choose to have an abortion that's nobody else's business. You matter, so do your two girls. Please consider it. You don't have to suffer like this.

OP, you have choices and you don’t need to have a baby that you don’t want.

You can explore both options. talk to abortion providers and also talk to your doctor about extra mental health support if you decide to continue.

Once you are armed with all of the information your decision might be easier.

More than half of abortions are for women who already have children. You don’t have to have a baby you don’t want or wish for a miscarriage.

Please speak to your midwife about how you’re feeling, they’ll be able to arrange support for you. I’m a midwife and wouldn’t refer to social services for that but would offer a perinatal mental health referral.

I hope you’re ok op. I’m in a very similar scenario, 3 year old, 1 year old, unplanned pregnancy. I am really upset and swaying towards abortion and have been in contact with BPAS. Your comment about wishing it would disappear really resonates with me, it’s a horrible situation and you can drive yourself mad with all the what-ifs. Be kind to yourself, there’s no shame in either option. Feel free to message if you want to chat.

Oh @Anon108642 please consider your mental health as well.

I had an abortion with a 3rd pregnancy as I was in the throes of post natal depression. Whilst anti abortion (for me) up to this point, it felt the best course of action for me and my other two children.

My GP at the time was sympathetic and we talked it through together. She didn’t pressure me into an abortion whatsoever, but knowing where I was mentally at the time (youngest was 6 months), she supported me (when my husband didn’t).

good luck whatever you decide x

That’s really early days, you could have a termination with very little risk.

You are allowed to have an abortion if that is what you want.

So sorry you're in this position OP. It sounds like you've considered terminating, having even got the meds, but ultimately couldn't go through with it. So your brain is just trying to protect you by "wishing it away" as an alternative to the reality of the pregnancy continuing. If terminating really isn't an option for you, I agree with PPs, speak to your midwife and ask if you can get some support from perinatal mental health team. They will have 100% seen this before. I was referred to them in my second pregnancy (for a different reason) and the outcome made such a difference to my pregnancy in a positive way. Be kind to yourself and wish you the best.