Negative comments about my pregnancy

[Habesha91]

Hi all, I just told my colleague that I'm pregnant and her response wasn't the great. She started off seeming happy but then she went on about how having a baby will change me, how expensive it is, how I can't go on holiday whenever I want and had to work things through and how it will age and strain a relationship, how it ages people etc
After what she said I felt bad thinking I made a mistake by being pregnant and didn't know what to say. Then she went on to say I will be fine it's good it's good. All I can think of is because she struggled her infertility and can't have kids and that's her coping mechanism but I wouldn't say that to someone sharing good news to me.
I have a feeling things might be awkward from now on as we work together. Just wanting ske advice how I can deal with this in a mature way.. do I share stuff about the pregnancy all the way or keep quiet. We are close in a way too so I don't want to start being awkward

It sounds like if you share pregnancy stuff with her she’ll react badly, whether unconsciously or not. At least while it’s still new to her. I find there are some people in my life that whenever I talk to them I come away feeling less good than I started. It makes me distance myself a little. Maybe maintain whatever you already have with her, but mentally step back a little to protect your happiness while either she adjusts to your new situation or shows that she can’t be happy for you.

Well you had to tell her because she'll soon find out anyway. But you knew she probably couldn't have kids, so I assume you handled the news sensitively and didn't go bounding up to her with a huge smile on your face. Just keep the baby talk limited from now on and only mention it on a "need to know" basis (such as when you'll be off on maternity leave etc). She can't be permanently shielded from pregnant women but on the other hand she doesn't need her nose rubbed in it.

It’s all pretty accurate! I’ve aged 10 years, my regrowth is grey, I could suffocate my
partner most of the time BUT I have the most precious daughter, who I love unconditionally, and although my life is very different (and certainly harder) I wouldn’t change it as one tiny smile makes me melt!

Sounds like a coping mechanism for her if she’s struggling with infertility. Try to remember this and not to let it impact how you feel, and enjoy this special time! She’s probably struggling and trying to deflect her own feelings.

I would share things about the pregnancy with her but if she continues to be negative, then stop sharing with her if it’s going to impact how you feel.

Don’t let negativity ruin this lovely time for you. Having a baby is hard, but it’s also wonderful and life enhancing. It’s the best thing I ever did!

I think you need to read the room a bit and not share any details about your pregnancy to your colleague unless she asks.

Sounds like she projected onto you, I’m not condoning what she said as she shouldn’t have said all that to you! But, it is most likely just a coping mechanism. Infertility can be devastating even more so to accept you will never have children… I think even if you have a beautiful life without kids, you’ll probably always have that What if? in your heart.

If I knew this about my colleague, I definitely wouldn’t be chatting about my pregnancy constantly to her x

Yes, I also think this. If I knew someone was struggling to have children or was excepting life without them, I’d tread very carefully.

OP has the right to be excited and happy. There’s no doubt about that. At all.

But some people can accidentally be quite insensitive and perhaps a colleague lashed out a bit

Don’t share stuff. If she asks fine. Otherwise use your filter and consider that it is obviously a very hard subject for her.

Everything she said is true or true to an extent - but if you want a baby and are ready for one that all that stuff doesn’t matter! I’m two years in and I can’t disagree with anything she’s said, but to me it’s worth the money, holidays aren’t a priority, I’m proud of how I’ve handled the tough times and I feel my relationship is stronger for being tested.

I imagine everything she’s said to you is what she tells herself to help her cope with her own fertility struggles. I wouldn’t take it to heart and I’d be considerate with what I shared. A lady I work closely with wanted children but couldn’t have them - I only really speak to her about pregnancy/ motherhood when she asks and I’m careful not to complain to her when I’m finding something hard.

With Respect, you sound like a first time mum who thinks that life is going to be perfect from now on. Truth is : You are dammed if you Do and dammed if you DONT. I was in a similar situation years ago; my close work colleague was going through infertility treatment. I felt awkward and kept my pregnancy secret but she sensed an atmosphere and the manager got involved and I had to confess. Everything turned out fine. And she had a successful outcome herself too. So it's a dilemma to work through. Not everyone is interested , that much. ORR some will be upset that they haven't met the father of their future children, this is real life.

I remember when I was expecting my first baby
It was wall-to-wall negativity from all the women : "ooh you'll never sleep a full night, Ooh you will be surrounded by dirty nappies, sick, ooh wait till they are crawling its a nightmare, ooh, ooh, ooh like a bloody running commentary 😐
It was so bloody annoying and I was determined never to be like that when I heard news of a first time mum, and I never did!!

I mean. As a mum myself... She's not wrong. 🙃😂🤦🏻‍♀️ However tact would suggest that it's not what you say to a new mum to be. If she's struggling with infertility I would take it as she's not talking to you. She's trying to convince herself as a coping mechanism. I've been on both sides of it. I am currently going through infertility now after two successful pregnancies. I have a sister who is unable entirely and another sister who is currently pregnant. It's emotionally hard for me as while I'm super pleased for her... I emotionally wish that for myself. But with that said it's easier to cope for me knowing I have my own beautiful two... Equally my other sister struggles a lot more because she hasn't had any and now it seems unlikely to ever happen.

Be kind to her and don't hold it against her. Equally be kind to yourself and don't make yourself emotionally vulnerable by sharing too much of your pregnancy with someone who is going to focus on negative to help soothe her own issues. I would be friendly but not rush to share scans/baby kicks.

Yes babies are expensive, no you cant just hop on a plane willy nilly, yes you may feel like you've aged 20 years in the first 3 months, yes your relationship changes HOWEVER.. your relationship changes in a better way, you see love in a different light, that man gave you the most precious gift ever and although you might not be able to be as close as you once were, the days your able to make a huge difference you learn to love and appreciate the little bit of time you do have together. Babies do wake in the night, you will be sleep deprived, and you have to plan everything im advance even down to just going out to the shops, nothing ever prepares you for how wonderful having a baby is. Theyre your little best friend, yes you'll be singing yhe same 5 nursery rhymes a day, yes you'll feel like jts ground hog day, but as soon as that baby can look at you, smile at you, coo at you, all of the ground hog day feelings and despair and tiredness all goes away. You feel nothing but love for this little person in a way you've never felt love before.

Dont let her put you down, its hard when you have fertility issues. I just wouldnt tell her about your pregnancy until she asks. It may be that its just raw. She will come around to the idea and be happier for you soon enough.
Congratulations op x

Well, she's not wrong about all those things! But it can also be the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to you, it really is a love like no other, it's like your heart living outside your body, don't let this one persons thoughts make this anything but a special time. It's ok to think all those things and be really excited too.

I imagine it's a bit of a coping mechanism for her, to reiterate to herself the downside of having children to make the prospect of potentially not having any more bearable.

When I was pregnant with my first, my supervisor who had lots of issues with fertility announced she was pregnant at a lunch with the team (the same day I was going to tell her/everyone) I didn't say anything there at lunch as I didn't want to take away from her moment. I did tell her later privately then the others separately. She miscarried within a couple of weeks and my pregnancy continued. I felt awful for her, I still feel awful about it now, it must have been so incredibly painful for her, we're no longer in touch but I still think of her. However, she was incredibly lovely, not rude at all and remained interested. I tried to not be too over the top about things around her, I had to let her know about appointments I needed to attend, but I didn't come in all excited waving ultrasound scan pictures around or going on about symptoms or what have you. I was still excited and I had other colleagues I could enthuse around but I just tried not to rub it in her face, and go on about it to her other than the necessary. I'd talk to her about it if she initiated the conversation but I would never initiate it unless I needed to.

I understand it’s hard for her and you need to be delicate, but she’s also not a mum so not in a place to pass comment as it’s not a life event she has experienced. So I’m saying basically, ignore her as it comes from a place of grief and cope.

Even if she was a mum, I get really annoyed when other mums like to scare other first time mums. Being a mum is tough (of course it is) but don’t trauma dump on new mums. If they ask for advice you can be direct and truthful but as hard as kids are, they’re also wonderful and I wish we’d all stop focusing on negativity all the time as it’s hard enough.

Yeah sorry everything she said is true.

But it was stupid of her to say that to you. Just steer clear of her.

I mean, she's not wrong, and the fact you didn't already know it would massively change your life makes me wonder if she thinks you've not thought it through! Having kids is amazing and a wonderful life experience, it's also hard and life changing. Equally, I'd never expect someone to tell a pregnant person that when they first hear the news.
It's probably a reflection of her fertility challenges, you might have wanted to think through how you told her, and I'd have expected a muted response given her position. It will have brought up all those feelings for her, so she won't have been able to purely be happy for you, which is absolutely fair enough albeit not nice for you. Try not to worry about it, get on with planning for your new baby and congratulations:-)

She’s jealous. Parenthood is really not that bad, you definitely can go on holiday- what nonsense. I don’t know how you stopped yourself from saying “how would you know this exactly?”

Just ignore her, it sounds like she has issues.

I've found motherhood far easier and better than what I was warned about. People love sharing horror stories to pregnant women about how tough and awful it can be but yet so many people go back for round 2 and round 3+. It can't be that bad then can it?

Try to just enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can (morning sickness aside) and be kind to yourself.

Yea I can't say i disagree with a word shes said! 2 kids 4 and 2 and ive aged 15 years, no exaggerating 😭😂 but as you say, wouldn't change it!

I had a similar experience with my neighbour when I was expecting my first son. She was so negative, made constant rude comments about my bump, weight gain, appearance etc. I always left a conversation with her feeling deflated and upset. I later found out she couldn’t have children herself and suddenly it all made sense! It was her defence mechanism and her way of convincing herself that motherhood and pregnancy were awful.

As others have suggested, maybe just keep the baby chat on a need to know basis. If she asks, then tell. And if she asks you why you’re not sharing, just be honest with her and let her know you’re trying to protect her feelings since the conversation you’ve mentioned above.

On a side note, motherhood is WILD! But it’s also a wonderful blessing. There’s no better feeling in the world than your child putting their arms around you for a cuddle or hearing them tell you they love you unprompted. You’ll smash it OP!

Just say 'oh, I am very excited about it' and leave it at that.