Relationship issues

[MissMum19]

hi! I’m new to this site and it’s my first post.

im currently pregnant, almost 5 months along. I broke up with my now ex last year and started seeing someone new, I got pregnant a few months into the relationship due to contraception failure and was in a good place with my mental health, my son was happy and I was co parenting well enough to feel like I was happy to continue the pregnancy with my bf.

roll on to now and my mental health has taken a nose dive. There’s a number of reasons for my mental health to have dropped this badly, and most of them revolve around my current partner. I’ve been gaslighting myself the last few months that I’m happy, but I know deep down I’m not and I feel like the best chance I have at being happy and being the best I can be for my son and soon to be baby, is to end my relationship. There are a few reasons why I’m finding my bf and myself are incompatible and it’s just in general getting to me. He’s also recently been very defensive about issues instead of communicating with me (these issues aren’t anything major, but still unwarranted reactions) he also has this need to compulsively tell white lies over small things, example: he says no if I ask him things like “did you just fart” - after I heard him and smelt it.. which again, the lack of manners bugs me.

ive told him the lying is an issue for me, if you’re comfortable telling silly small lies for no apparent reason, then how can I trust you with something bigger or more serious! He doesn’t see his “white lies” as an issue but told me he would work on it (guess what, he hasn’t, I would say it’s gotten worse)

he hasn’t paid for a single thing towards this baby, he’s “waiting for his house to sell” - which has been selling for a while due to some issues, but he’s refusing to take any action with buying even something small like a £10 pack of vests. I’m the one who’s paid for 90% of the stuff so far, and I’ve been gifted a couple bits of clothes. I already cut down how often he can come over as I’m tired of him having a free ride off of me.

sorry to ramble. I’m just feeling immense guilt and shame about if I break up with him because I feel like I haven’t given it a chance, I don’t want him to move in and regret my decision later down the line. Plus I feel like a crappy person to break up with him :/

im feeling so content and happy on my own atm and have been telling my bf no to coming over for more than once a week.

and yes, I know I shouldn’t have continued with the pregnancy with someone I had only been seeing a few months. But hey ho, here we are. So please check your judgment at the door, I already judge myself daily enough :)

Oh bless you. That's shit. Seems like he's made it clear he's a useless article on the whole but as what's done is done.
Based on what you say, and my own experience with my DD19's dad, if I were in your position I think I'd end it there relationship wise. Figure out the future based on him being no help at all and if he pulls his socks up maybe he'll want to be a decent co-parent to this child. I hope for you he does, but the clues point to him being an unreliable, selfish let down.

@PennyPencils

thank you, I don’t really have any doubts that he wouldn’t be a good dad once the kid is born (plus I know his mum would make him do what needs to be done) I just feel like he’s very very happy atm to wait for the house selling fairy. I’m literally scraping the bottom of the barrel to make sure I have what’s needed and he’s happy to “wait” - which isnt guaranteed to happen soon. I’ve been hearing “the house should sell by the end of the month” for over 2 months (6 since the house had an offer made and accepted)

im fully prepared and content to be a single mum of 2. I’m just feeling that deep guilt about “breaking up the family” again :(

I need to put myself first over being with him. But it’s hard to actually push myself to do the hard part of ending it

It sounds like you two are just not compatible. Outside of being pregnant, if you want to spend less time with him and find little quirks annoying (e.g. the fact thing, he probably just finds it funny to say no even if it annoys others), and find you are financially on different pages then it sounds like the relationship has fizzled out.

You'll probably find lots of posts on here about men not contributing to baby stuff pre-baby because tbh majority of them are just wired different and don't particularly find it interesting to be buying vests and sleepsuits.

I would probably break up with him now, so you can focus on your children and yourself during this pregnancy. But let him know that you are absolutely planning to co-parent and want him and his family involved in the babies life.

Easier to break up now than poat-partum (where your hormones will really kick in and you'll hate the sight of him) 😂

Honestly you don't need our permission to break up with this guy. But if you want it, here is permission to break up with him!

You sound like you've made the decision in your head anyway, it will only eat away at you if you try to make it work...for whose sake? Not the babies, he refuses to contribute before the baby is born it's highly unlikely he'll be any better once they arrive. You've said you're happier without him and the most important thing for kids is a happy mum (and dad but in this case he wouldn't be in the picture too much by the sounds of it)

Rip the bandaid off sooner rather than later OP leave this stress behind and get into the swing of things before the baby arrives x

@BudgetBuster the white lies thing deffo goes deeper than him finding it funny, he once told me that a can (energy drink) was from months ago in his car, when it wasn’t because I cleaned the car out. He then got defensive saying I told him he can’t have them, I laughed and told him I’m not his mum so don’t try pull that crap with me. He knows I don’t agree with anyone drinking them, but to put the blame on me like I was controlling after lying, is not okay. I’ve even got him the odd energy drink before this lie -.-

it definitely feels like we have different priorities and maybe that’s just the parent in me. He’s always the one dragging me to the clothes section and saying how he’s going to buy xyz, but it never materialises.

i think I do need to just bite the bullet and end things, he knows he’ll have a dream of co parenting with me because he’s seen me fight for my ex to spend more time with my son because I want my boy to have the best relationship he can with his dad.

@Hoplittlesbunnieshophophop I can’t lie, you’ve made me cry with the permission, it really does feel like that’s what I’m needing. I tried to talk to my sister and she was just pushing me to talk it out with him. And she doesn’t even like him all that much so it’s been hard

im 100% struggling to be happy with him. I’m so happy and content in my little bubble with just my son atm, and I’ve spent the last 3 days on/off crying at the stress of this whole situation.

If I'm honest, if small things like that bother you (they'd bother me too so I'm not judging).... it's seems that's just his personality and you're best off without him.

If you're annoyed at the small things now, the big things will eat you up slowly in the future. There's no point in being in a relationship that isn't working.

You are better off finishing the relationship now so that you can heal, your existing children can move on and so that you are in the right mindframe to have this baby!

Please do not half heart a relationship for a baby who isn't even here yet. You can both be good parents, separately.

Thank you for your input, my sister made a good point of saying that the things that bother me are valid feelings and intensified from the pregnancy, not made up from the pregnancy.

it deffo feels like I’m half hearting it atm. I don’t get those happy “I can’t wait” feelings on days he’s coming over, I find myself making any excuse I can to be too busy to see him atm :/ which I have been absolutely shattered and its my boys birthday this week so I have been busier than normal!