Supporting someone with gender disappointment

[AHouseInNewOrleans]

Name changed, close friend going through gender disappointment after just finding out the sex of her last baby. She is pretty crushed. I am not interested in opinions on how warranted or reasonable gender disappointment is, I am interested in hearing from anyone who has really experienced gender disappointment themselves - specifically what things people said or did that were helpful/unhelpful? Is there anything you wish someone had said? I don’t want her to think that I think the sex of her baby is in anyway disappointing but also don’t want to invalidate her feelings, so it feels like a tricky one? Thanks.

I think let her grieve the child she isn't having, as she needs to process those emotions before she'll be ready to hear the great things about what she is having. Having a son and a daughter are completely different experiences so I get why she may be disappointed, doesn't mean she doesn't love her baby, but she has to say goodbye to the other potential that she may have had in her head. Listen to her, don't judge and pick your moment to give the positives

Suppose it depends on her personality. If she opened up to me about it I'd just listen to her and acknowledge how she feels. What else can you do, she feels how she does and that's that. Ultimately, I think she'll be fine once the baby arrives or even before then, but right now I can't imagine she'd be open to you putting a positive spin on it if she's recently found out.

There's not a lot you can do tbh. Gender disappointment is real for some people, especially when it's their last baby. My niece had 4 boys. Did she want a girl, yes she did but when the baby was born, all those feelings go away.

Thank you all. I’ll stick with just listening then rather than trying to put a positive spin on it, I’m sure she’ll get there in time

As someone who is currently going through this, listening is definitely the key here. If she's anything like me, she'll be feeling so incredibly ashamed for her feelings anyway, so listening and not judging is helpful.

When she's ready, I think then just talking about general baby stuff like you would if it was the gender she was hoping for will help her to reconnect with the baby she actually is having.

It's a horrible feeling - you're so incredibly conflicted and you already feel so much shame about it all. It's such a common feeling though, for a variety of reasons, so the key is to listen & let her wallow in her feelings for a while!