Mum to 9 months old, 5 weeks pregnant - 2 under 2?

[laurenn26]

So my daughter is 9 months, 10 months on 21st. I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, it took me well over a year with my daughter & I was told we’d need IVF due to my boyfriends low sperm count however I caught on naturally, so this time I expected a long wait again so to say this was a shock is an understatement. I’m guttered if I’m honest, my daughters still very much a baby, I’m exausted she doesn’t sleep well and I didn’t expect to me in this situation. They’d be an 18 months age gap. I feel a massive guilt on my daughter if I continue my pregnancy as I know she’s still so young and needs me, she starts child minders this month and by time baby was born she would be in 3 days a week. I want to give mg daughter the world and I’d do anything for her so sharing my time worries me so much. My partner wasn’t overly supportive in the beginning he has never done a night feed so at the start I was so burnt out and I am still shattered to say the least. I’ve booked in for a termination but my head is all over, part of me thinks I can do this and the other part of me thinks I can’t. My partner says he would do more this time and he supports me either way but I did not enjoy the newborn stage and I’m so scared how it will affect me again especially when I now have my daughter too. I don’t know how to make a decision, what’s peoples experience with 2 under 2? I’m scared no matter what decision I make but all I know is I’m already absolutely exhausted and scared to have regrets

My ‘two under two’ are 17 and 16 now. They are best of friends. It might not be what you originally envisaged but it is very doable.

Your partner does need to step up though - it sounds as though he should be doing more anyway, even without a second child

Best thing l ever did was have mine close together . 15 months between mine . They were friends and company for each other . They weren't jealous of each other and it got all the sleepless night over with in one foul swoop . I could pass down the unisex baby clothes l had . It was brilliant.

I had an 18 month age gap. We planned it that way as I wanted them really close. It is tough at the beginning as you will pretty much have a little baby and a big baby to look after. I have no regrets though because they are 4 and 5 now and we flew through all the nappy years, potty training and crap sleep and they are the best of friends now. It’s not for the faint of heart though as the early years are exhausting. I just couldn’t imagine getting through all of the broken sleep with one and then starting all over again with a bigger age gap like 4 years or something. They are so easy now, they are into all of the same toys and activities. They even have some of the same friends. This age gap pays off in the long run but yes it’s hard at the start. I was too shattered for the first couple
of years to have much of a life of my own but I’m getting it back now

I haven’t had this age-gap myself but I wouldn’t trust this:

My partner says he would do more this time

Trust his actions and your experience of the level of support he gave you last time. Make the decision on the termination based on what you feel you can cope with. It needs to be right for you as the likely sole caregiver for two babies.

My friend had 2 under 1 (11 months apart) and it was bloody hard work in the early days. They’re now 5 and 4 and are still hard work when they’re together - not helped by the 5yo having SEND needs and the 4yo being a live wire! Both lovely little girls but definitely a handful.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy, you will get through it and I’m sure you’ll have no regrets when your new baby is there. No judgement though if you don’t think you’d cope.

Ours are 19 months apart and I wouldn't have had it any other way. It was tough as our first was not sleeping through the night until just before our second was born, but it was good to get it all out of the way. Like you, our first was in child care three days a week so that made it easier (and my husband had gone part time at the same time as I did, so he was home one day a week)

I, too, would take your husband's claim that he would do more with a pinch of salt - he could do that now!

It is also OK to have an abortion for any reason - I terminated when I got pregnant again, I couldn't face having three children and I have never regretted my decision. I can understand you worrying though, with your husband's fertility problems.

You have to do what is right for you.

We had 2 under 2 and I was so tired for the majority of the time at the start but the dc loved it, always having each other around and always doing everything together. I do feel it is easier with a small gap in some ways in that I have never had to do much to help them play as they have always had each other to entertain themselves.

Now they are teens and it is just a wonderful experience for them to be so close.

Can anyone tell me their experience of having to share their time/was baby jealous? Did they feel pushed out? I’m so scared about this

how did your baby feel when you had the second? I feel like I just wish this had happened a year down the line & if I do terminate I’d probably start trying again some point 2027 so is that silly to do it again next year?!

My sister and I have 18 months between us. I was the eldest. Pain in the ass. Colic, didn't sleep, into everything, walking at eight months, eyes on me 24/7. Then along came my sister. Placid, sweet, lazy. We grew up as best friends and are still close now. Apparently I whacked her on the head a few times with a toy hammer but that was the extent of the jealousy.

I’m in a similar situation but with a different mindset.
I’m 7/8 weeks pregnant and I have a 6 month old and an 8 year old. Baby will be 13 months by the time this one is born (a happy accident).
My mindset is different because this will be my third, I’m much more relaxed than I was with my first. I was suffering some kind of psychosis/depression after my first and I was utterly neurotic.
I had an 8 year gap between my second being born and I’m very much of the “fuck it” thinking now.
Whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family.
I believe it’ll be a tough year or two while they’re little but then it’s just a couple of toddlers being barmpots together.

My DD was very jealous of her baby brother. People told us she was too young to feel jealousy but she knew well it was a big deal. She ignored him for about six months except to try to whack him at every opportunity which was hard but once he started being able to play and interact she started to play with him and it got easier. I did have awful guilt but I would try to give her as much attention as possible, so the baby slept in a sling while I played with her a lot and he tagged along to activities she enjoyed like toddler groups, library etc. We kept emphasising that she was the big sister to get her to understand her role as such and let her help with little tasks like getting a nappy etc. I think all
of this helps

My DS are 18m inbetween. They're 27 and 26 now.

Yes, it was hard work initially but so easy in no time.

The only problems I had was when introducing DS1 to DS2. He thought giving his newborn brother his favourite board book would be kind. Throwing it at his head resulting in a black eye less than 24hrs after birth wasn't so kind! Also, changing their nappies, I changed DS1, set him on his feet,off he toddled. Then changed newborn DS2, set him on his feet. He didn't toddle!

But that's the worst. Being tired. Juggling. It doesn't last long, though! Then they're best mates, close enough in age to share interests, nursery together, primary and then secondary.

You obviously must make the decision that is best for you. No judgement here. As a mum to those two pests, and I did it single handed, dealt with surgeries and illnesses, I would not change one moment.

I had 2 under 2, (planned) yeah it’s hard at first with both in nappies, both wanting and needing lots of attention but once we were in a routine we were fine.

there wasn’t the time for lying about just cuddling baby all the time as I had an older one needing attention and younger one did miss out on some baby classes as I couldn’t take eldest but we found a way .

now they are in their 20s and get on great, most of the time. I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I've had 2 under 2. They are 15 months apart. What I did was I set up an activity for the eldest when I was feeding the baby or she would have a snack. So she'd have a little snack or Melissa and dug reusable stickers and baby, colouring book and crayons and baby would be changed, fed and burped. I'd then give her 100% of my attention while baby was sleeping. I also would let her be the baby. She liked to have baby hugs . I did cleaning as I went but did most of the jobs while they were sleeping. The thingbis it depends what sort of toddler and baby you have. My baby sleep a few hour stretch (until she turned 1 and then that went right out the window) and the toddler would play in her play pen or do an activity while I minded her. If you have a baby or toddler with higher needs it will be different.

I’d worry you mightn’t find getting pregnant so easy next time if you’d already thought you might need IVF?
You sound like you want more children.
Maybe you’ve been lucky?

I had 2 under 2, then 3 under 4. It’s hard but it’s lovely to have a sibling close in age to grow up with. It gets easier in time because they spend lots of time playing together and they support each other. In our house anyway.

It’s ok to focus on your current situation and caring for your 9 month old baby if you choose not to continue the pregnancy as you are feeling exhausted and have little support.

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation and understand why you are scared. But honestly, even finding out you are pregnant with your second planned baby, is scary and there are thoughts of ‘I can’t do this’. You’re only just learning how to be a mum for the first time. But 8 months is a long time and a lot will happen during the pregnancy. Yes your first will be young and it’s not what you planned, but first children always need to adapt to subsequent children and it’s not that easy for them whatever age they are, there are pros and cons to both small gaps and larger ones. I know you will be thinking about this but if your husband has low sperm count you may have secondary infertility and I’d assume would want to avoid IVF if you could. Hug to you

I have just under 11 months between my first 2 and then waited 3 years before having no 3 now she is 5 months i have found out i am pregnant again so will be around 14 months between 3 and 4(clearly the pill doesnt work for me haha)!!

I found with my first he was so little he didn’t understand as he only turnt 11 months just after no2 was born, i done it all by myself and i didn’t find it too hard. When the baby needed feeding i made sure he had lots of toys set up to keep him busy and when the baby slept i made sure we done things together like played or made cakes etc so he never felt left out. I found it was easier having 2 in nappies etc as i was already doing it so what was doing 1 more? I actually found the 3 year gap harder as i felt like i was getting my life back and then bam i was back to doing nights and nappies so was a shock to the system. Regardless you will find a way to make it work, it has all worked out for the best like this i think and i’ve found the babies just kind of slot in.

my first 2 are like besties im always asked if they’re twins and they’ve actually now stated telling people they are twins🤦🏼‍♀️

I had 2 under 2. Most stressful time of my life but well worth it. No jealously, my eldest loved helping with his baby brother. They’re nearly 12 and 10 now.

It's interesting that you're so worried about how your first little one will feel OP - I am pregnant and worrying about that but my first is 3 now and I've often caught myself thinking it would have been easier on her if she was younger! Your first will still be so little that it likely won't be as unsettling for her, or not for long anyway.

I don't have 2 under 2 myself but a close friend does - she had hers about 14 months apart - and while the early weeks were tough, as soon as they could they began playing together and now they are nearly-4 and 5 they just play and entertain each other all day long. They came to my house once a year or so ago and I have never seen 2 such young children just entertain themselves in the way they did, they didn't bother my friend at all - a huge contrast to my girl who is on my case allllll day to be her playmate.

HOWEVER, all of this is totally secondary to whether you actually want or feel able to have another baby at this time. That is the most important thing and if you genuinely feel so low at the thought of it and are stressed about handling everything without much help from your DH then that's what you need to think about more.

Can I add a different perspective, if you don’t mind?

When I read your OP I heard a whole lot of guilt about letting your daughter down if you went ahead. I also heard that you’d like another DC in the future.

My situation is almost opposite to yours. We ended up with over 4 years gap between DC.

And I still had guilt.

Guilt that as I dragged by youngest two and fro on school pick ups that she was getting ignored (spoiler alert: she wasn’t, she was adored by my eldest’s peers and gained experiences and community from them). Guilt that my just starting school boy was exhausted from his little sister waking him up (spoiler alert: i realised years later he sleeps like a log and was probably just tired from starting school).

I will always remember him standing at the other end of the room when i told him, I couldn’t play that moment as I needed to feed his sister, and in this little voice he whispered “but what about me?”.

Will it be hard with two little ones? Probably.
Will it be easier if your husband helps more? Probably.
Should you make a decision based on guilt about something that hasn’t happened? Definitely not.

No matter the age gap, there will be compromises.
No matter the age gap, there will be mum guilt.

But guilt is not a good reason to make a decision.
You’re doing your best. You will do your best.

The compromises, the balancing, the juggling won’t stop when they start to walk, start to talk, go to school. That’s part of being a family.

We’re still having to say no to one of our children because that’s often the cost of saying yes to another. We have limited resources whether that’s attention, time, money. And opportunities that might come to one child aren’t always offered to another for reasons outside of your control.

For every downside there’s an upside. Whether it’s learning to give and take, or the friendships that develop between silblings. And I consider myself lucky that (as of today!) my DC adore each other. They look out for each other at school, hang out with each other and love each other deeply. And from watching friends with the full spectrum of age gaps, that’s definitely not determined by the number of years between their births.

Speaking as someone whose eldest is less than a year away from leaving home, the decisions you agonise over, the compromises you make but worry about, your children rarely remember.

No matter their age difference you WILL feel guilty over the compromises you make. Please don’t let that be the reason for your decision.

I had 2 under 2
#NoRegrets.

First year is hard.
You know it will be hard.
I feel i am coming out of the weeds now as youngest is just 2

They are starting to play together now amd it is great.

Be organised where you can and it counts (food) and lower your standards elsewhere ( "tidiness")

I couldn't read and run without sharing my experience. I am DGM with DGC with a small gap. My DD is in the midst of exhaustion and is sometimes overwhelmed. But, the really tricky years go quickly. I am also a sister. My brother and I are 18 months apart. Our eldest sister says there was a bit of jealousy at the beginning as our Mum was juggling 3 other children. However, me and my brother are the best of friends. Always have been. Always will be. Our older siblings love hearing our stories of when we were growing up together and the mayhem we caused! We were there for each other at about the same stages of development. We feel so lucky to have each other. I wish you and your children the best of luck. Tough at the beginning but worth it in the end.