What would you do? When to start ttc

[Whattodonext101]

Evening everyone

essentially I am going round in circles in my mind, have spoken to my partner and also friends but I thought it might help to ask “what would you do if you were me”, so here’s the short summary:

• I turn 35 this summer and would like children
• My partner is the most wonderful human being, he is a year older and have been together coming up to two years, we want the same things
• For a good few months now I have been drowning in the desire to have children, I have always thought I wanted them but it’s like it has hit me, and a parental bereavement recently has probably made me realise what is important to me
• I can’t seem to shake the fear of what if I have left it too late, I am otherwise very fit and no health issues that I know of, but fully aware of all unexplained fertility etc
• Partner and I would like to be married first, we have agreed to get married next summer, he would like to formally propose (fine although I am not so fussed)
• I’m usually such a calm headed person but the idea of leaving something like this too late is sending me borderline insane, I seem to be surrounded by people who are struggling with their fertility
• I know there are people who conceive later, but also there’s many who don’t
• I’m worried that starting to try when I am 36 (after being married next year) will be cutting it fine

I’m feeling very sensitive about it all so would appreciate some kind but also very honest advice, what would you do if you were me? 🌺 would you consider getting your eggs frozen?

Also, I have to be honest, we have talked about getting married for around 5 months and so I would have thought the proposal would come by now, he’s keen to do it but I’m getting a bit anxious as I know venues book up way in advance, and I don’t want to come off the pill until that stage ideally 🌷

Thank you all xx

If having children is really important to you, don’t wait until you are 36. There are no guarantees at any age, but it’s a time limited thing and I wouldn’t risk it for the sake of getting married in first etc.

I’m the same opinion as the previous comment but I’d like to add that if getting married before baby is important to you like it was to me then I’d just have a chat with your DP about the future and timelines. We basically spoke one evening and both agreed we’d like to be married first but felt ready for children, we booked our venue got engaged had a small wedding and got pregnant all within a year!

I think if you want children desperately then don’t put off ttc for too long - btw 35 isn’t old old but your fertility is now starting to decline and I’d feel the same as you x

Agree with PPs. Best not to put it off if it's what you both want. Weddings can happen at any time, babies can't always unfortunately. I was in a similar position to you at 36, my DP and I decided baby first. DS was 18 months old at our wedding and having him there with us was so unbelievably special.

I wouldn't wait to start trying. I'd have a chat with DP and discuss timelines, but at 35 babies are time sensitive. Your fertility is declining and this speeds up as you get older - and the risk of miscarriage and problems with the baby increases. That's not to say you can't have an easy and healthy pregnancy but it gets harder the longer you wait. I'd start TTC and work the wedding around it - either do it before or after baby. You could always do the legal bit just the two of you at the registry office so you have the "protection" of being legally married when you have children, then you can have a big fancy wedding at a later date - you could use a celebrant for a non legal ceremony and do all your vows etc in front of your loved ones.

Can I ask the reason you want to get married first?

Thank you for all of the replies ♥️

it’s not religious but it’s something I’ve always wanted and my partner would like to have the big wedding beforehand, I also think that once we have the baby money would be a different priority and I’ve seen lots of friends just not bothering in the end, completely appreciate you can have the wedding at any time though. We discussed timelines the other week and when he was asking me “when would I like to get married” I guess I should have said sooner, but we landed on next spring / summer and trying immediately after, he suggested getting married this year but questioned whether it would be too late now to organise, I see it more from the legal side so if anything happened to me without being married he might come unstuck without the protections that marriage brings (not from a financial perspective but just legally).

He did say he would have kids tomorrow if I were ready, but my head and heart feels like the formal commitment is the right thing, so perhaps doing the registry office and then wedding is the right thing for us. In my ideal
world, I’d have the wedding this August / September and then ttc straight after that, he understands the fertility aspects bless him but I think I need to drum it home a bit more, any advice on how to do that?

What could he possibly struggle with legally from you not being married if it’s not financial?

Honestly it sounds like you just aren’t ready for a baby yet, he said he’s ready for marriage and baby now and you’ve put him off, so I’m not sure you need to drum it in to him more, I think you need to try and work out for certain what you want, it’s ok to not be ready yet Op, but you also don’t want to run out of time.

If I died then he wouldn’t be entitled to anything, it’s more of a faff to put in place Wills, powers of attorney etc than it is to get married in a registry office, we are absolutely ready for it but my question was about what you would do in my situation and what order, the running out of time aspect is constantly on my mind and appreciate the perspective that’s helpful thank you

I think you need to chat to your DP as you said he wants a big wedding but you’ve said you’d be happy registry office

I had every intention of getting married before having kids but I'm glad we didn't wait. I had my son at 32. Got married at 33. Then miscarried at 34 and 35. I'm 36 now and I'm not finding it easy to have my second child but the first was really straightforward.

You can arrange a wedding pretty fast if you want to. Booked ours in May and got married in November. You can get a discount if you get married in winter too as it's less popular.

The question to ask is what is more important the wedding or the marriage?

If you waited and then couldn't conceive how important would you think the big wedding and perfect proposal was?

We had our daughter first, we don't like weddings and we got a civil partnership when she was 2 and it was 6 weeks from deciding to get the civil partnership and having it. Previously we had disagreed about the size of ceremony. My partner wanted a micro 2+2 wedding or a big wedding whereas I wanted a small 10-12 people wedding. In the end we went with the 2+2 with our best friends as witnesses.

I had my daughter at 32 and had no issues. I was 36 when we started TTC our second and it took 18 months and 3 pregnancy to get my son.

I'm not married to my partner, if I die he'll get the house (in my name only) paid off through my life insurance and my death in service payment from work. It's really not that much faff.

I got pregnant with my first at 38, gave birth aged 39. Trying for our second after my 41st birthday, plan to get married at some point after that. I always thought I'd be married first, and do all of it younger but that's just not how my life turned out. Do what's most important to you (both).

Why are you waiting for a formal proposal, if you're discussing it? At your age, you can't wait around. Just go to the registry office ASAP and start TTC right now. Or plan a smaller wedding within this year and accept you might be pregnant for it. Hopefully will all be fine but your chances aren't going to improve. There is always time for a big wedding party in the future. You are very sensible to want to be married first, I can't believe anyone has kids without being married - most likely you will make financial / career sacrifices as the mum, and being married gives you legal and financial protection if you were to split in the future.

Thank you these responses are honestly so helpful and insightful. In response to whether I am waiting for a formal proposal, I suppose I am but we had a lovely chat nearly 3 weeks ago and then he said he really wants to have the opportunity to get down on one knee and have that moment, so I am willing to wait for that but ultimately he needs to get a move on as you said I don’t have the luxury of time! Also, he’s turning 36 this year so his fertility isn’t going to last forever either.
I agree that I would be making the bigger sacrifice, also, to me I just love the idea of being married and having that done first, I’m aware that planning a big party isn’t going to be top of my list when I have a baby!

The perspectives I’ve been given here are so helpful, thank you 🌹

I agree with PPs (even though I am not married). I met DP when I was almost 34. We couldn't get married straight away and I was keen to get going due to age. Got pregnant quite quickly and went again quickly. However due to the fact that DP is terrible with money/we earn the same (and a few other reasons) I'm not in any rush to get married now.

I would probably get married this year if that's important to you, rather than wait. You have loads of time to organise still. I was the same as you, wanted marriage before kids. I got married at 34, but we were super lucky to get pregnant straight after and had my first at 36. I'm also pregnant with my 2nd (will be just 38 when she arrives), but again we got pregnant the 1st go, but I know not everyone is as lucky x