Why did you become a mum?

[AM42]

Hello, F31 married for 8 years, no children but I'm feeling a lot of pressure, I love my friends children and feel very material when I'm with them but then when I'm back in my 'normal' life I feel relieved. I wonder if having a baby is the right thing for me. I've always just assumed it would come naturally and I was hoping I could just speak to some mothers about your reasons and maybe when you became pregnant?
Thank you so much in advance, I really appreciate your time!

I always wanted to be a mum, it was something I saw in my future from when I was a child, so I can't really help you as I've never had to go through this uncertainty. Try not to feel pressurised as being child free is a totally valid decision too! What does your DH think?

I had my first at 21 and I'm having my second in June. We had them young because I've always had a really strong urge to be a mum. I know that's not the case for a lot of brilliant mums, who were felt less sure but still chose to have kids, and not the case for lots of brilliant women, who choose to remain child free. Ignore the pressure and figure out what you really want.

I will say that it's a lot easier to be around your own kids, than someone else's though!

Because I accidentally fell pregnant. I don’t think I could have ever made a conscious decision to do it, it’s such a big decision! DP and I were in a long term relationship, we’re still together and we now have two DC. I love being a mum but DM hated it (and openly says she never should have had children) and I was afraid I might be the same.

Oh wow @user593 my story is exactly the same, including my Mum saying it wasn’t worth it. Very happy that the decision was taken out of my hands!

We had FOMO. Worried we’d regret it later and then be too old.

Because it suddenly felt like there was a gap in my life, time for a new chapter. I had met my life partner, bought a house, established in career....sitting watching TV one evening I decided I was ready to have children and start the next phase, discussed with DH, came off the pill the next day. It took a few months for the first one to conceive, mind you...

FWIW, other people's DCs are never as amazing or special as your own.

I’ve always wanted to be a mum since I was a very young child. I played with baby dolls constantly as a toddler and told people I wanted to be a mummy when I grew up. I can’t really logically explain why but the urge has just always been there. I’ve never been able to imagine going my whole life without having children.

I’m a firm believer of you have to really want children to become a parent. Of course there are a minority of people that are not maternal that end up pregnant and say their children are the best things to happen to them - but I know some who were on the fence and regret being a mum.

I’ve always wanted children. I just “knew”. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind.

It is really hard, pregnancy can be really tough, postpartum and looking after a child is really hard. When people tell me they don’t want kids, I can honestly understand it becuase I always think “I couldn’t of done this if I really didn’t want to go through it”

I didn't want or plan to become a mother, but my DP really wanted to, and there isn't really a compromise between having children and not having them. I don't regret it, and I am enjoying parenthood though I'm sure I would also have been happy if we hadn't.

I was about 30 when I realised I wanted to be a mother. There wasn't a reason for this. It was a feeling, a conviction. The difficulty was that I had little interest in having a longterm relationship but didn't want to be a single mother even though financially it would have been fine. In the end, I was very lucky to conceive naturally at 41, get married to the father half way through the pregnancy, and to have my DD at 42. She has been and is an absolute joy, and motherhood came easily, to my surprise.

Slightly different for me because I was just sort of handed a newborn one random day, as a 22 year old, and expected to take responsibility for them. There was not a lot of choice involved in entering ‘parenthood’ but I wouldn’t change it for the world

I never had any urge to have biological children, still don’t, but the urge to foster and be that safe place for little ones is very strong.

It was a leap of faith for me because I was never broody and I’m not really a fan of children - just feel a bit indifferent about them. I did go ahead and have them and when I reflect, it was because I was following expectations in terms of ‘next life steps’.

Fortunately, I really enjoy motherhood and adore my children and take great pleasure in raising them. So it was a gamble that paid off.

So based on my personal experience, wanting to be a mum, being maternal and broodiness, were not accurate indicators of how positive I’ve found the experience of having children.

Not helpful, but I think the reality is that you can never know for sure how ‘right’ it is or isn’t, until you experience it. By which time of course, you’re either pleasantly surprised (as I was) or disappointed and full of regret. But referencing friends and family in my life, I’d say the regret camp is in the minority and most enjoy it or fall somewhere in the middle regardless of how ‘sure’ they were before having them.

My DM hated having DCs so I was never in a rush.

I had an international career and a failed engagement, so was single & childless at 40. Met someone at 41, then found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 44.

By then I only had one ovary, one tube and didn't think it was possible, but once I was pregnant, hormones hit hard and there was no chance I was giving him up. 😊