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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

30 weeks and my emotionally immature mum is making my life hard and scary

15 replies

JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 05:16

I have a difficult mother. She makes everything about her and how great she is, or how she is a victim. People have thrown around the word "narcissist"... I think it could be considered accurate in describing her behaviour, though I am not a psychologist.

Anyway she is just full of advice I have not asked for about newborns, and parenting, and life in general. And she cannot really be told it is unsolicited and unwelcome... not without exploding in rage.

And a lot is very negative, things like: I "shouldn't" have had round ligament pain when I did "ooh it's bad news if you have that so early!". She says my hospital choice is bad and "dangerous" (based on no information except that she tried calling them once and was on hold), and I should go to the one she wants me to because it is closer for her (I live 1.5 hours away). She says I won't be able to raise my child without her around, which yes may be harder but tbh I can't afford to live in Sydney, I'm sure most people would have heard of how unaffordable it is. I also don't want to...

But the hardest thing is her telling me all these lovely stories of how she mothered me, single, when I was a baby. And how lovely it was and how hard it was for her, and how much work she did making baby food, and how she would just hold me for hours, tears in her eyes. Really just making me listen to how doting and sweet she was as a mother... when my recollection of my childhood was yelling, hitting, guilt and fear.

I have to listen to her puff herself up and it almost makes me feel physically sick? Like I have to smile and nod and say how nice... but it doesn't feel right. Or genuine. It feels like she has revised her own memories of how nice she was as a parent. She scared me, I was scared to come home. She made me feel guilt constantly. And insufficient and selfish as a daughter. She still does.

And now I have to be like wow what a great mum, hope I can live up to the standards you never did...

I guess I'd just like to know if anyone has any insights or similar experiences, and how to cope because I am becoming depressed.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 19/01/2026 05:22

How is all this communication happening? Sounds like you live roughly 1.5hrs away from her so it should be easy to limit contact?

PermanentTemporary · 19/01/2026 05:36

That’s really hard. And I know how intensely you feel things your mother of all people will say.

I think it depends what you need the outcome to be. Is she talking about moving closer? Is she calling every day and you want to reduce the frequency? Do you just want ways to cope with the emotional fallout of the calls? Are you worried about her impact as a grandmother?

If it helps, I’m sure on some level she knows that she was not that great a mother, and that knowledge is so painful that she’s buried it. And also, infuriatingly but luckily, a lot of people who don’t measure up as parents can do grand parenting ok, particularly if theyre not doing big childcare roles. You are a grown up now and you can set the boundaries.

Would it help to have some therapy at this stage when you’re feeling vulnerable? Or at least, would it help to write down some incidents and atmospheres you remember from your childhood - to write your own history? Maybe in the form of letters to your child? Or even letters to the small you, that you would like to protect the way you are going to be able to protect your own child?

sesquipedalian · 19/01/2026 05:47

“She says I won't be able to raise my child without her around”

Sorry, what?? OP, you will be fine: you will be the mother you want to be to your DC, and your DM can butt out. Don’t take any notice of what she says about your upbringing: I suppose to an extent, we all re-write our own history, but you know what it was like from your side, so nod and move on - unfortunately, you won’t change her. Take absolutely NO notice of her batshit ideas about which hospital you should go to to give birth, and decide now where the boundaries are going be once your baby has arrived, otherwise your DM is going to drive you mad. Do you have a partner/husband/sibling/friend who has your back, and who could help you? You do need some support, OP, and it sounds as though your DM is just making your life difficult and exacerbating your anxieties. Don’t let her. If she carries in like thus, sooner or later you will explode and let out a few home truths. Decide what level of involvement you want or are prepared t9 have from your DM, and stick to what YOU feel comfortable with. Good luck!

MadamCholetsbonnet · 19/01/2026 05:48

It’s quite common for those of us with NPD mothers to experience trauma when we are pregnant. You start to realise just how fucked up your “childhood” was. It gets worse once baby arrives, sorry.

Honestly, my advice is to go Very Low Contact or No Contact. Yes, she will be raging, but you can block her, and any flying monkeys she sends your way.

Start by putting her on a strict information diet. Don’t tell her anything. Knowledge is power to hurt for women like her.

Have you had counselling? 💐

Lincolnlemons · 19/01/2026 06:22

MadamCholetsbonnet · 19/01/2026 05:48

It’s quite common for those of us with NPD mothers to experience trauma when we are pregnant. You start to realise just how fucked up your “childhood” was. It gets worse once baby arrives, sorry.

Honestly, my advice is to go Very Low Contact or No Contact. Yes, she will be raging, but you can block her, and any flying monkeys she sends your way.

Start by putting her on a strict information diet. Don’t tell her anything. Knowledge is power to hurt for women like her.

Have you had counselling? 💐

This.

She sounds very similar to my mother, especially the negative comments and exploding in rage. I tried to manage the relationship for years but things never improved, they got worse.

I’ve been NC for nearly 5 years now, wish I’d done it sooner. The thought of having a baby without family support was scary but actually she would’ve made things 100x worse. Lean on your partner and/or friends and don’t be shy to accept help when it’s offered.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

FlatWhiteAnyone · 19/01/2026 06:55

Hi OP, really sorry to read what you are going through. There’s a thread on Relationships- Emotionally immature parents, where lots of people have similar experiences and share ways to manage it.

congratulation on your pregnancy!

Hoplittlesbunnieshophophop · 19/01/2026 11:47

OP I have a very similar mother by the sounds of it. In my case she loves to comment on my parenting and says she knows how hard it is when the fact is we were practically raised by nannies and au pairs, and my mum had a housekeeper so never had the laundry and cleaning to keep on top of! (She recently told me I do too much laundry)

Anyway, Google grey rock communication. This will help you detach yourself from getting tied up in emotional back and forth. Essentially I never tell mine anything unless she asks (she rarely does she loves to talk about herself) and if she does ask, you tell her the bare minimum.

It's very tough becoming a mother and coming to terms with the way you were raised yourself as nothing really puts a spotlight on it to such an extent as having your own child.

Hope this helps and wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy x

Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:29

HoppingPavlova · 19/01/2026 05:22

How is all this communication happening? Sounds like you live roughly 1.5hrs away from her so it should be easy to limit contact?

I call her and I also still have to visit her a lot. She gives me the "im so lonely I never see you". Which i got even when I was only 15 minutes away and visited her twice weekly so

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:35

PermanentTemporary · 19/01/2026 05:36

That’s really hard. And I know how intensely you feel things your mother of all people will say.

I think it depends what you need the outcome to be. Is she talking about moving closer? Is she calling every day and you want to reduce the frequency? Do you just want ways to cope with the emotional fallout of the calls? Are you worried about her impact as a grandmother?

If it helps, I’m sure on some level she knows that she was not that great a mother, and that knowledge is so painful that she’s buried it. And also, infuriatingly but luckily, a lot of people who don’t measure up as parents can do grand parenting ok, particularly if theyre not doing big childcare roles. You are a grown up now and you can set the boundaries.

Would it help to have some therapy at this stage when you’re feeling vulnerable? Or at least, would it help to write down some incidents and atmospheres you remember from your childhood - to write your own history? Maybe in the form of letters to your child? Or even letters to the small you, that you would like to protect the way you are going to be able to protect your own child?

Thank you, yes I have had a fair bit of counselling but its like it took years to even see my mother clearly and letting go of the guilt and the ingrained core beliefs is a whole different story. Where I sit now, I feel very little warmth for this woman and that makes me so unbelievably sad. And yet, still a sense of duty as a daughter.

She doesn't want to move closer she has made it quite clear she will not be helping with the child. Which is fine and probably fair. I moved away after all. Though that being said, I know people with parents who live further who still want to be involved. But hey this is my situation. Maybe she will be a better grand parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:38

sesquipedalian · 19/01/2026 05:47

“She says I won't be able to raise my child without her around”

Sorry, what?? OP, you will be fine: you will be the mother you want to be to your DC, and your DM can butt out. Don’t take any notice of what she says about your upbringing: I suppose to an extent, we all re-write our own history, but you know what it was like from your side, so nod and move on - unfortunately, you won’t change her. Take absolutely NO notice of her batshit ideas about which hospital you should go to to give birth, and decide now where the boundaries are going be once your baby has arrived, otherwise your DM is going to drive you mad. Do you have a partner/husband/sibling/friend who has your back, and who could help you? You do need some support, OP, and it sounds as though your DM is just making your life difficult and exacerbating your anxieties. Don’t let her. If she carries in like thus, sooner or later you will explode and let out a few home truths. Decide what level of involvement you want or are prepared t9 have from your DM, and stick to what YOU feel comfortable with. Good luck!

Yes I guess I am a bit worried about the explosion... being pregnant has made me feel more and more angry about her behaviour and I have less control over my responses. Blowing up at her has no outcome except her rage which I cannot cope with. I cant let it get to that point.

I don't even want her help really, she always makes things a transaction for which i should be forever grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:40

MadamCholetsbonnet · 19/01/2026 05:48

It’s quite common for those of us with NPD mothers to experience trauma when we are pregnant. You start to realise just how fucked up your “childhood” was. It gets worse once baby arrives, sorry.

Honestly, my advice is to go Very Low Contact or No Contact. Yes, she will be raging, but you can block her, and any flying monkeys she sends your way.

Start by putting her on a strict information diet. Don’t tell her anything. Knowledge is power to hurt for women like her.

Have you had counselling? 💐

Thank you... yeah some memories that have come up feel like they are happening right now. I mean I will start to cry from a flash back to something that happened decades ago!

Yeah have had some counselling its been a long road because I was full of so much shame from my upbringing (father too was awful person, lucky me)

I dont want her help but at the same time I feel so sad I wont have the happy family grandparents situation you see in healthy families.

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:41

FlatWhiteAnyone · 19/01/2026 06:55

Hi OP, really sorry to read what you are going through. There’s a thread on Relationships- Emotionally immature parents, where lots of people have similar experiences and share ways to manage it.

congratulation on your pregnancy!

Oh thank u I was wondering if this was the right forum I will look there :)

OP posts:
Comtesse · 19/01/2026 20:43

Information diet pronto - just say “oh it’s fine” and change the subject.

You don’t have to do what she wants - you are getting ready for a new responsibility and you can do what you need.

Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:46

Hoplittlesbunnieshophophop · 19/01/2026 11:47

OP I have a very similar mother by the sounds of it. In my case she loves to comment on my parenting and says she knows how hard it is when the fact is we were practically raised by nannies and au pairs, and my mum had a housekeeper so never had the laundry and cleaning to keep on top of! (She recently told me I do too much laundry)

Anyway, Google grey rock communication. This will help you detach yourself from getting tied up in emotional back and forth. Essentially I never tell mine anything unless she asks (she rarely does she loves to talk about herself) and if she does ask, you tell her the bare minimum.

It's very tough becoming a mother and coming to terms with the way you were raised yourself as nothing really puts a spotlight on it to such an extent as having your own child.

Hope this helps and wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy x

Ugh so infuriating. Beyond infuriating.. its like having to eat dirt every day isn't it... hearing them talk themselves up like super hero women. I cant stand it i want to puke.

Yes also mine never asks about me!! Im not even sure she knows what my job is! I came back from 3 weeks in Finland and England and she never even asked me a question about my holiday!

She knows i grey rock her, once she made a comment that im "really good at stone walling people" i was like wow... a rare moment of insight or disguised insult?

OP posts:
Original poster
JessieJackets · 19/01/2026 20:46

Hoplittlesbunnieshophophop · 19/01/2026 11:47

OP I have a very similar mother by the sounds of it. In my case she loves to comment on my parenting and says she knows how hard it is when the fact is we were practically raised by nannies and au pairs, and my mum had a housekeeper so never had the laundry and cleaning to keep on top of! (She recently told me I do too much laundry)

Anyway, Google grey rock communication. This will help you detach yourself from getting tied up in emotional back and forth. Essentially I never tell mine anything unless she asks (she rarely does she loves to talk about herself) and if she does ask, you tell her the bare minimum.

It's very tough becoming a mother and coming to terms with the way you were raised yourself as nothing really puts a spotlight on it to such an extent as having your own child.

Hope this helps and wishing you a smooth rest of your pregnancy x

Ugh so infuriating. Beyond infuriating.. its like having to eat dirt every day isn't it... hearing them talk themselves up like super hero women. I cant stand it i want to puke.

Yes also mine never asks about me!! Im not even sure she knows what my job is! I came back from 3 weeks in Finland and England and she never even asked me a question about my holiday!

She knows i grey rock her, once she made a comment that im "really good at stone walling people" i was like wow... a rare moment of insight or disguised insult?

OP posts:
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