I recently discovered that I am pregnant by my partner of almost two years. The pregnancy was unplanned. I had been taking the pill, but I was unwell over Christmas and missed one or two doses, and I did not realise that pregnancy was still possible under those circumstances. I am in my late thirties and he is in his late forties; we both have children from previous relationships. I have taken several positive dipstick tests as well as a digital test.
My partner has assumed that I will terminate the pregnancy because it was unplanned and, in his view, poorly timed. He has not asked me how I feel or what I want, and has been largely dismissive of my emotional response. While I respect that he has his own feelings, I believe mine are equally important. He has said that he would like to have a baby in the future, just not now. For me, this is particularly distressing, as I do not believe I could go through a termination. I have experienced a termination in the past and found it deeply traumatic.
I have been shocked by his reaction. I feel that he is effectively attempting to coerce me into terminating the pregnancy. He has emotionally disengaged, avoided spending time with me, and has spoken about plans for the year ahead — including travelling abroad alone around the potential due date — without any consideration for the possibility that I might continue the pregnancy.
After a period of silence following my telling him about the pregnancy, he invited me out for breakfast while my children were at school, saying he wanted to “talk.” I assumed this meant he wished to discuss how he felt about the pregnancy, but he did not raise it at all. Instead, he spoke about Valentine’s Day, underwear he wanted to buy for me, and plans for a “naughty” weekend together. I found this deeply hurtful.
During the same conversation, he spoke at length about his own children and how grateful he is for them and for their progress at school. While I care about his children and am always happy to talk about both of our families, I felt that this emphasis was intended to underline that he already has children and does not want another at this point in his life.
Towards the end of the date, he told me that he would come with me to the “clinic” and support me, as though a decision to terminate had already been made jointly, despite there having been no such discussion. His behaviour has left me feeling sidelined and unheard at a time when I am already vulnerable.
I feel completely torn. How can I consciously bring a child into the world knowing I may not have the support of their father, and worrying about the potential impact that absence of support could have on the child in the future? At the same time, how can I terminate a pregnancy that, although unplanned, I want to continue? I find myself questioning whether I am wrong or selfish for feeling this way.
I do have strong support outside of this relationship, including a large extended family and close friends, and I am financially stable. Even so, I am struggling to understand what the right decision is and how to move forward. It feels as though I have an ultimatum though he hasn’t expressly conveyed this.
Please be kind, I am feeling extremely distressed by this and hormones don’t help either.