Older mums......help!

[Hazeleyes82]

My younger partner has dropped the bombshell that he would like a baby after 4 years of being together. It's always been a strong no from both of us.

We have discussed, and i think I want to. But I'm 43 now, and would be looking to start this year, so I'll be 44 or 45 when I give birth. He is 30 now.

I have a 23 year old, 18 year old and 16 year old already, all the same dad!

The only thing that worries me is my age. Is it a good decision or bad decision?

HELP!!

Do you want a child? If yes, then do you think you are able to have one? I had my second at 43, and gave two friends who had kids at 45 and 46, all conceived naturally. How far are you willing to go? IVF? Egg donation? And if nothing happens is he likely to leave?

Yes, we have discussed this, and we have said if it doesn't happen, then it's not meant to be. It's not a must and won't break us if it doesn't happen

We wouldn't go as far as IVF. If it doesn't happen then we will overcome that

We wouldn't go as far as IVF. If it doesn't happen then we will overcome that

Hi there it's a midwife. Not a doctor.

Did you have any complications in your previous pregnancies? Have you put on a lot of weight since your last pregnancy?

Age 43 on its own is not really that relevant anymore, in my experience (if you do get pregnant).

It's the answers to the other questions that are of interest me as a midwife.

If you had straightforward pregnancies and deliveries and you have normal BMI, I personally say go for it (with the caveat it's not a medical opinion- I am not a doctor). If you had complications or your BMI is over 25 - I would say find a private obstetrician to discuss your plans

Thank you for this.
All normal pregnancies, no complications at all.
And I was overweight, not now :)

I had my ds at 45. It wasn't an issue at all. Everyone forecast disasters but I didn't have a single issue, no nausea, completely normal blood pressure, natural labour (if a bit slow).
Perfect ds.

I was careful to maintain my fitness so I could keep up but that was the only extra effort I made.

I think you need to go with your instincts. You are already a mum. You may have a rush of fertility before menopause. Do you want to spend another 18 years raising a child? I knew I did.

How do you feel about miscarriage? Sorry, I know it's a horrible question, but at your age (which is not very different from my age, so I am not being rude!), it's quite likely that if you are fertile, you'll fall pregnant but miscarry.

I only mention it because for some people, the prospect of trying and not getting pregnant and accepting 'oh well, wasn't meant to be' feels quite different if you also have to account for the possibility of miscarriages along the way.

Midwife again,

Yes the risk of miscarriage does go up. It does not mean there is no chance of successful pregnancy

Absolutely wasn't saying that there was no chance!

I only mention it because I think it is really common for people to assume that the two possibilities are pregnancy and just not falling pregnant. It's a much different situation if you have to think about how you'd feel about miscarrying as well.

Similar age gap here.
Did you discuss children early on? Has he changed his mind from the initial discussion? That would concern me.

Was he active with your other children?

Slightly different here because my children are young so my partner is already in a "bonus dad" role

Also, when said baby turns 18 you will be 63, are you sure you want to get back in the ring so to speak?
My partner and I are looking forward to when the kids are older so we have some of our own time while we are still young(ish)
Is he aware of how life will change?

I don't think it's that unusual for someone aged 30 to suddenly feel broody, when they didn't at 26. IME it's exactly the age when people do start going from 'OMG, no way' to 'wait, some of my friends are having kids and actually ...'.

I would probably expect the relationship to end, if you are unable to get pregnant, unfortunately.