Early pregnancy anxiety

[Hillary17]

I am nine weeks pregnant and absolutely filled with dread about giving birth and honestly, even about being a parent. We haven’t told many people as it’s early, but the ones we have immediately dive into horror stories and that our lives are essentially over. All I keep seeing is tales of traumatic births and that we are never sleeping again. Not a single person has given me any tale of how great pregnancy is or how amazing parenthood can be. It feels like everyone has lied to me up until this point and then this bit scary truth has been revealed. I’m trying really hard to focus on the positives, to be excited and happy but I can’t seem to turn off the anxiety.

It is keeping me awake at night. This is all I ever wanted (this baby is very much planned) but it feels like I’m ruining my pregnancy by being so overcome with anxiety about the rest of my life and a million unknowns. As an anxious person I knew this would be the hardest part for me but it is 10x worse than I expected. My husband has been amazing and is doing so much more for me, which then makes me feel guilty as he is so excited. Honestly I seem to have completely forgotten all the reasons we wanted a baby. Me & my husband have tried for years so I’m so sad that I’m now questioning absolutely everything and can’t explain it to anyone properly.

Did anyone experience similar in early pregnancy and did it get better? It would also be lovely to hear some stories of mothers who enjoy having a baby, manage to get more than 10 minutes of sleep a day and didn’t ruin their marriage having a child. Or didn’t almost die giving birth…

No one is going to tell you their birth was fine/uneventful. People seem to get off with telling others the worst bits. I was induced for both of my births. Forceps for the first recovered fine - no drama and was out the next day. Second birth was fine - out 6hrs after birth. Breastfed both till two years.

it is hard when you do not know what is going to happen and it is early stages of pregnancy when you feel awful but unsure if there is a baby.

You are going to be grand

Search out positive content, like you’re doing here. There’s a lot out there. My aunt read a book about pain free birth and she actually had a pain free birth using those techniques. Give Birth Like a Feminist by Milli Hill is a good book too. I’m sure there will be positive YouTube videos and podcasts too if you prefer that to reading.

I am pregnant and a FTM and I feel you - I just paid for the BirthBox hyponotherapy and meditations. It comes with meditations on how to let go of birth. There's 35% off with code NEWYEAR - I listened to the 'let go of fear meditation' last night and plan on doing this daily to help keep me calm.

Also - I am going for a homebirth which means literally EVERYONE and their cats has an (unwanted) opinion on lol..

There is nothing worse than unwanted/unasked for opinions in pregnancy but unfortunatly in my experience you'll continue to get them right the way through.

I have a 3 month old and there was a lot of anxiety at the start of my pregnancy (see username) so I totally underatand how you're feeling. What helped me manage was taking it literally just day by day. Don't think too far ahead right now, you have months to go still so I decided to just focus on where I was in the moment. I also had fear around birth but I promise by the time you are close to your due date you will be READY and desperate for some signs labour is about to start. I even ended up having a 'emergency' csection which always terrified me but it was actually a very calm experience and couldn't have gone any better. I know now if I was to get another in the future I would be at peace with it.

Breastfeeding was as hard as people told me it could be in the early weeks but it's going really well and I think I might surpass my 6 month goal.
Although he's breastfed, unlike what everyone told me, he sleeps really well and has done since he was really small. He doesn't love to nap during the day, we don't have a routine yet but getting some good stretches of sleep at night makes all the difference.

You will be absolutely fine I promise, it is the best thing ever. Even in moments it's tough I just remember how fast everything is going. They are only little for such a small amount of time.

Hope this helps!

Hi there, it's a labour ward midwife.

You remind me very much of my own experience. I wasn't a midwife back then.

Everyone told me it's going to hurt for days, worst pain imaginable etc.

It did hurt. However I had a lovely midwife and I coped much better than I had expected. Breasfteeding was fine too (except for very sore nipples until my milk came in after 3 days)

From a personal and professional experience, please do try to google positive birth stories. There are plenty. It's just women tend to keep them to themselves

If women were like men they would be boasting in every pub, something along the lines, "I took 2 paracetamols, then I pushed and out came the baby!". For some reason, women do not share good stories, only horror ones get shared.

However, I have seen plenty good stories as a labour ward midwife. Women who prepare themselves mentally and physically tend to do better (physical preparation could be as simple as not eating for 2 and going for 30 minutes walk every single day. Mental preparation - reading good stories, trying to do breathing and visualtion exercises etc. Do not forget to buy or rent TENS machine, they are amazing. I wish I had one in my own labour).

I am also very happy to recommend a book, the link to follow

I hope it helps

www.amazon.co.uk/Positive-Birth-Book-Bestselling-Pregnancy/dp/1780667655/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3Q9NTBJVM3RTD&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.QvvDz1AVYPJH7Ko7tiO4Z5IrcteLQs_r0Ex6zePClkcMsGMpTbtyIXdwrxNhABanlOQZUE0wlbYlPlABT5i8kOR-BmgMse24JHnv2b4CDYvsUxn-xn8ZT-uqGxiSRduSXp_9rvcY9cJ-cjuV9XzZira4Kjib597KSFBKp2VTGG5fMrt2SUDKz0i_kgQwTdwPngpo421a9nNIllT6B3dutwueazPwVy5gRE3g42UiSUQ.Xktw_lwApGXT3LRr02q2LHAEzKR-1pNLCP7YnrER1mc&dib_tag=se&keywords=positive+birth+book&qid=1767462715&sprefix=POSITIVE+BIRTH+%2Caps%2C113&sr=8-1

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re feeling this way but I think it’s pretty normal! For a start, your body is flooded with hormones that make you think and act in ways you wouldn’t normally! We tried for a long time before finally having our first child and I was shocked by how much I was worried about missing my old life…it only means you’ve had such a lovely time in your relationship and that’s not a bad thing!

I absolutely loved being pregnant. It’s such a precious time - take all the photos and maybe get a pregnancy journal to really embrace it and focus on all the positives. I also found spending time decorating Baby’s nursery really helped.

Having your little one will enrich your life beyond measure. Yes things will be different for a while but it’s only for such a short time and they are more than worth it. The joy you get from your child can’t be compared to anything in the world.

Its the biggest change you can go through in life so be kind to yourself for feeling this way. I’m sure you’ll be absolutely fine and it will all make sense when you’re handed your baby for that first cuddle!

OP, I genuinely love being a mum. My little girl is 18 months old, and she's the genuine love of my life. People make it sound like it's a miserable existence when you're pregnant, but it hasn't been for me. It's not all doom and gloom.

You will feel tired, but you'll also feel on cloud 9. There is no feeling like holding your baby for the first time. The early newborn days were exhausting, but also one of the most magical times of my life. I spent a lot of the time just breastfeeding and cuddling my baby watching Grey's Anatomy. Cluster feeding was tiring, but I also personally found breastfeeding easy once you're established after the first 6-8 weeks, and it was only really cluster feeding and the early long night feeds that made it hard. I've been lucky with sleep, and other than occasional regressions, my girl has pretty much slept through from around 12 weeks old. She's a smiley, happy, lovely little thing. Watching her grow and blossom has been the greatest privilege and joy of my life.

I had severe OCD through pregnancy and couldn't cope with the unknowns of vaginal birth, so I chose an elective section. I had a calming, uneventful experience. No matter how you choose to give birth, it will be hard, and it will be painful, but you will get to meet your lovely baby at the end of it.

None of my pregnancy’s were straight forward and my kiddos all too dramatic to make a normal entrance but in all honesty I’d do it all 100 times over. I have been induced, wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I thought and even when it resulted in an emergency C-section, it still wasn’t as bad as I thought and I’m pretty wimpy with pain.

Is motherhood hard? Yes! But it’s also the most rewarding and amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. Some days are absolutely shit and you want to sit and dwell and other days are fantastic and you feel you’ve got this.

There will be days you’ll question your sanity but there will also be days you’ll be in awe of everything surrounding being a mum.

Right now I have a teen, preteen and toddler, all at the most ‘difficult’ stages I was warned about 🤣 but it’s actually nowhere near as terrible as the horror stories I was told.

You will sleep, just not always when you want. Your life as you knew it will be over, only because you will have a new baby to look after. It doesn’t mean your life will stop. Even with very little support, I manage to maintain being me ❤️

Oh and for what it’s worth, I had a moment on the post natal ward after I had my first. I suddenly panicked that I was now responsible for a baby. When she was 10 days old, I sat crying with her in my bedroom, I was exhausted, she wouldn’t latch and I genuinely questioned if she even liked me! I called my health visitor, we sorted her latch and had a giggle over a cuppa! Suddenly I felt human again 🙈

Thank you all for your kind words, they really have helped. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself to feel a certain way and am focussing on surrounding myself with more positivity. Yesterday I felt a period of excitement and content whilst shopping for some newborn essentials. It was nice to know I can actually feel excited as it feels like it’s been weeks since I haven’t just felt terrified.

Part of the problem has been seeing stories online of the “newborn trenches” and people inadvertently telling me how awful birth is or how traumatised they have been. Women just don’t seem to naturally share the good parts of motherhood honestly. I actually asked someone the other day why they’d bothered to have two children if it’s so awful?! I had this dream version finding out I was pregnant and it being excited bliss, not this constant state of anxiety and terror so I guess it’s disappointing.

I also bought a few books and have had some really honest conversations with my husband which have helped. We have our first scan soon and I’m really hopeful that this will be a turning point.

I have been an anxiety patient since 2017, and it got worse during pregnancy due to a miscarriage last year. I was afraid of using medicines, so I tried herbal remedies instead. Relax Calm Tea by Secrets of Tea has been amazing for me. It keeps me calm and composed, improves my sleep quality, and naturally reduces anxiety and stress. Hope it helps

I'll tell you.

I think I'm lucky and come from a line of lucky women.
No morning sickness. So few symptoms I want fully convinced I was pregnant!
Start of labour to birth 7 hours. Gas and air. 9lb baby. Tiny tears and couple of stitches.

Bf was hard for the first month, but we nailed it.

Sleep was ok, once I got used to 2 feeds a night. Dh was massive help.

2nd baby. Nausea but not sick. Bad heartburn towards the end (hairy baby!). 2 hour labour. Gas and air.

I loved the novelty of it all first time round. 2nd time with toddler and baby, not so much. But I'm not really a motherly person, get bored easily and it irritated me being at others' beck and call constantly.

I kept fit throughout too. Ran until about 4 months, then swam right up until the end. Did lots of angry, stompy walks when they were overdue too.

Honestly, pregnancy was awful and so was the birth but I recovered quickly and enjoyed my maternity leave. I don't think women should be scared by horror stories but I do think that a bit of realism can help prepare a person for when nature takes over and they don't get their dream water birth etc.

Baby sleep goes through phases, nothing lasts, the good and the bad. I found knowing this really helped me get through the rough patches. It is very rare that she has us up in the night now.

My daughter is now two and a half so we are right in the middle of the 'terrible twos' but... She is so funny, clever, chatty, cheeky and just generally the most amazing little person I have ever met. I love her more than anything else in the world and would not change her.

For us, having her has been the lowest lows but also the very highest highs. Nothing is more special than when she asks to hold both of our hands while we are walking.

OP, I didn't want to read and run.

I have two young boys - one nearly two and the other three (there are only 17 months between them so I was a member of the 2U2 club!).

Please do not worry. Try to think of parenthood as an adventure - your life will evolve and you will learn so much about yourself.

Enough corny stuff. Now for some specifics:

• For me, the newborn years were WAY easier than the toddler tantrum years. Newborns are very portable - the BEST advice I was given was to continue living my life, and bring my newborn with me. I went out for lunches, saw friends, all whilst baby was asleep in the carrier/in the pram. Lazy days where baby sleeps on you when you are reading books or watching tv are just magical!
• I was very concerned about lack of sleep. There's no denying it is tough BUT it was not as tough as I was led to believe (thank you, NCT!). For the first 12 weeks or so my husband and I did "shifts" - my husband the 7pm-1am shift and me the 1am-7am shift. This meant we still had good 6 hour chunks of sleep each day. In the "on" shifts we would still sleep, but baby would need feeding every 2.5/3 hours or so it was interrupted. But we split it into shifts so we both got sleep. After 12 weeks, both my children started sleeping much longer 6 hour stints, so only one feed needed per night.
• I had two elective c-sections which was a very lovely experience. The high I felt after giving birth was nothing like I have ever experienced before. The best feeling ever.
• For me, pregnancy was harder than postpartum days! I had terrible morning sickness until around 20 weeks and felt awful. After birth I really felt like "me" again, though I had to rediscover a new "me" as a mother.

2/3 years on I now have two toddlers and I wouldn't change it for the world! It is absolute chaos - managing tantrums, fights, challenging behaviour, but the feeling I get when my boys hug me or tell me they love me, is just the best.

The hardest thing I found was rediscovering yourself and your new identity as a mother. They don't talk about this in antenatal classes. It's important you work hard not to lose yourself solely to motherhood and make time for the things you enjoy and make you, you! Albeit, there may be some modifications as it may not be practical to go out for dinner with friends every weekend, but there is no shame in wanting this, and it's important you make time for YOU.

I write this message tucked up in bed with a cup of tea and a good book, just about to turn in for the evening.

I hope that reassures you!!!! Lastly, this is so exciting so please do try to enjoy it! I worried away both my pregnancies and I really do regret that now. Xx

Being pregnant you’re vulnerable. You feel dreadful. Giving birth is amazing I found. Yes it hurt but nothing compares to that excitement and adventure. Newborn stage takes getting used to. Motherhood changes your life and while yes some aspects of life are over… it’s for the good?? I’d be LOST if it wasn’t for my babies. I’d go as far to say I don’t know if I’d be here today. I was gutted I’d lost my freedom also when people told me similar things but looking back now I’m so happy and blessed.
your life changes of course but for all the good and there’s never a right time for a baby. I’m hoping you feel better soon. Don’t forget the hormones fuck your thinking up!!

Once you start feeling your baby and having your scans, you will start to feel different. I had terrible anxiety for the first three months wondering if I was doing the right thing etc. I loved being pregnant in the end. Yes the labour is painful but get an epidural and you will be fine!! Having my daughter and the first few nights especially were the best time of my life. It was so magical and wonderful. Being a mother is the most beautiful rewarding thing ever. I promise you, you will be fine x

People like to tell horror stories- some trying to be helpful to prepare you, others just like to share!
Once you have the first scan and then later on feel movements, you’ll start to feel differently.

I had a long labour and a baby/toddler who after the age of around 2 months didn’t like to sleep. But I love being a mother and hoping to do it again!
When you hold your baby for the first time, there is no feeling like it and it sounds cliche but I genuinely forgot everything I’d just gone through.
My daughter is the funniest, happiest little girl who genuinely makes my life better. It won’t always feel rewarding but it is.

It also really, really doesn't last long. Before you know it, they'll be watching Traitors with you and mocking you because you're back in work tomorrow and they're off school until Tuesday.

Thank you all for your comments; they have made a huge difference and it’s lovely to hear some positives about motherhood. I feel a little lighter today honestly. I reached out to my company mental health assistance program to request some CBT which helped me hugely around 15 years ago. Even just having an open and honest conversation on the phone about how I’ve been feeling made such a big difference. No judgement. I was also reassured to not compare my pregnancy or approach to motherhood to anyone else’s. That framing really gave me some hope; regardless of the judgement and worry, it’s my journey and I don’t have to be a specific type of “mother.” I can do it however it works for me and my family. They talked me through a few quick techniques I can use to try and ground myself short term, and I’ve been referred for some additional sessions which I think will really help me personally. Also going back to work after Christmas has helped hugely as it’s kept me busy and my mind hasn’t JUST been focussed on how scared I am.

I may even update this as I go through my pregnancy as one of the things I’ve found incredibly isolating is the lack of stories online from people who feel this overwhelmed. Thank you all again.

I LOVED being pregnant both times, first pregnancy I was sick every morning but I didn't care and as soon as it was done I felt fine. I felt amazing, invincible even!

Second pregnancy was hard with a young toddler running around but I still enjoyed it.

I actually loved giving birth, they were very quick labours and I had both kids at home in the living room. It hurts yes, but it's not a pain like there's something wrong, it's productive. And as soon as the contraction passes, you feel fine in between. Crowning is obviously a bit stingy but you also know it's the end! So actually it's quite brilliant.

I did a KG hypnobirthing course which was great, lots of gentle yoga, and rested a lot! You absolutely must do a hypnobirthing course if you have fear around birth. There's also a great podcast called 'the hypnobirthing podcast'.

Postpartum I found very tough and wish I had just really rested properly with DC1 rather than rushing to get back to normal. Best advice I have ever been given was to spend a week in bed and then a week on the sofa. Start planning to facilitate that rest now!

Things I wish I'd known, babies need nothing but tiny amounts of colostrum for the first few days so if breastfeeding isn't getting off to an immediately great start then just express and use a syringe, when you get home you'll have the head space to work it out. The 'infant feeding team' at hospital is absolutely no match for a breastfeeding specialist (IBCLC) and they sometimes give downright bad advice.

Don't underestimate how much first trimester hormones can exacerbate your anxiety. I really struggled with this during my first pregnancy. After the first trimester, you'll tend to feel a little more balanced, even with natural anxiety about birth/parenthood. You're going to be fine. It's an amazing adventure. Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best going forward.