Pregnant with my 3rd - i don't know what to do!

[Soconfused7]

I found out yesterday I'm pregnant (period due today) and my mind is torn.

Me and my partner have 2 children together, 11 and 8, and he also has a 13yo. Our oldest has autism and youngest has a chromosome abnormality which means she's developmentally delayed, we've been through occy health, physio, SLT, she may have a thyroid abnormality, various other things and they both have multiple food allergies. My daughter is doing amazing though as i know there are other children with her condition that never walk or talk. They mean the absolute world to me and I wouldn't change them.

I had a termination 5 years ago and it was awful! I had a reaction to the tablets, ended up needing surgery because they didn't work properly and I hit a really low point. It took me nearly a year to get back on my feet. It was a very very dark time physically and mentally. I felt suicidal, developed a fear of medication (I haven't even taken a paracetamol since). I've never been the same but so much better than I was.

A lot has changed in 5 years - our children are older, I've gone back to work, started driving, been on holidays with and without the children, I've started finding myself again. My level of patience has reduced though and I don't miss the sleepless nights at all!

We're usually so careful. I can't take hormonal contraception and the condom broke.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through what I went through before nor do I want to give birth, worry about health conditions, have to divide my time. I feel settled and happy-ish but worry whatever decision I make could negatively impact my mental health. I was so adamant in my decision before not to go ahead with the pregnancy and don't regret it. This time there's a tiny part that wonders if it'll be okay, how will our children feel being older siblings. My partner will support my decision either way but he's more inclined to not have another child because of everything we went through. We have a 3 bed house and can't expand. 5 seater car. He doesn't want to start the baby stage all over again and I understand that. We switched roles when he was made redundant 3 years ago, he's now at home due to the support the children need and I work 8.30-3.30.

I really don't know what to do. I've spend all morning crying, I'm already a hormonal mess.

If you go for a termination just do the surgical one straight away and avoid the pills, hopefully it will be a different experience for you. It sounds difficult because your lives aren’t set up for another baby, but unless the morning after pill also failed it sounds like you were ok with the idea of a baby anyway? Going forward the copper coil is the best way to go if you aren’t reliable with condoms.

Given all that you have said, go for a termination and then either sterilisation for you or the snip for DH. You have to make sure you do not have any more pregnancies.

@ToKittyornottoKitty I've always been very against getting pregnant again and the condom broke mid way through intercourse and according to my app I wasn't ovulating so I stupidly thought everything would be okay.
I've had the copper coil before and ended up anaemic and bled constantly, changing my pad every half an hour and couldn't leave the house.
I think if I did make that decision I would chose the surgical route but my head is currently all over the place.

Always get the morning after pill, it’s just not worth not doing, especially after multiple kids and a previous termination you know it can happen. He can book in for the snip. I think in your situation I’d terminate but there isn’t a wrong choice here, just make sure it’s what you want so that this doesn’t happen again. Good luck with whatever you decide OP

@Waterbaby41 my partner went for an appointment regarding the snip but got scared and because of the chance of it not working and decided not to go ahead but something needs to happen.

I keep having pains as though I'm about to start my period but obviously hasn't come

Difficult decisions for you both, although I would suggest a permanent solution will give both of you peace of mind - too easy to have an accident! Good luck with whatever you decide.

As an outsider, it’s difficult to see how another baby won’t make your whole family’s lives more difficult. But I know it’s not an easy decision.

Speak to your GP as soon as possible about your fears due to your previous experience.

Whatever you decide, you probably need both a permanent contraception method and some counselling for you to address the trauma of your previous termination experience.

Difficult decisions. If it was me personally I would look at it as a blessing. I’ve been in a very similar situation and I am now holding my newborn and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Our ASD children love the baba and everything has slotted into place. Good luck and try speak to someone a close friend maybe? Don’t bottle things in

Bless you OP, sounds like such a tough decision & none of us can tell you what to do. From all you’ve said I would be inclined to terminate as it sounds like your life is pretty good for your family as it is now + have a lot going on. If you do go down that route it might be worth opting in for some counselling to tackle what happened last time

It does seem like you’re considering going ahead with the pregnancy & it’s great you partner will support you either way because that’d make things easier. Maybe you can both come up with pros and cons or concerns you both have and possible solutions?

The chances of the snip not working are far lower than a condom breaking. You have a test after to make sure there is no sperm present.

my DH had the snip as we knew we didn’t want a third and contraception doesn’t agree with me.

im sorry you’re in this position and it’s a very difficult decision but given what you have said I would seek advice re a termination.

How are you getting on OP? Hope you are doing ok and you’re made your decision

@mumofb2 thank you for checking in!
We've decided to proceed with a termination- i think it's the best choice for our family. I know my limits and I think another child would break me. My mum had 4 children and couldn't cope - I basically raised my siblings and looked after her, i swore I'd never go down the same path.
I'm booked in for a SA on Tuesday and have to take the first tablet tomorrow - I'm really scared but trying to hold everything together

FWIW I definitely think you’re making the right decision. wishing you well and hope it all goes ok

Sending love to you. Hope everything goes ok x

I also think you’re making the right decision. Get your husband hooked in for the snip, mine had it done privately was £650 and only a 10 day wait after we had a surprise 3rd we wanted belt and braces we wouldn’t have any more pregnancies

Thank you @MajorBoobage and @mumofb2. I just keep telling myself that I know what to expect and I'm probably going to feel a bit low but i need to prevent myself getting in to a panic. I've spent 5 years getting my iron levels up so I won't end up iron deficient again!

Oh, I completely agree @mrssunshinexxx! The nurse at BPAS asked about contraception and I said he can get it snipped and she said there was a wait and i said that's fine, he can pay for it privately! I did feel guilty about him doing it but then I thought wait a minute - I've given birth twice, had part of my cervix removed, polypectomy and this twice, it's definitely his turn!