Getting over sister jealousy

[Movingstressangst]

I'm pregnant after a year of trying (yay!). My sister has also just announced she's pregnant (should be yay too!) but I don't feel happy like I should... It's not a good look I know, and I absolutely don't want to let on that this is the case. Has anyone else experienced this?

I've been trying to work out my feelings and here are my thoughts on why it might be:

• I found TTC really difficult emotionally and also had a miscarriage, which has definitely led to more anxiety this pregnancy. She conceived easily and from what she's said is considering this pregnancy a done deal (ie she'll definitely end up with a healthy baby)

• I had cousins close in age and it wasn't a great experience (our mums getting competitive over grades etc)

• She has strong opinions on certain aspects of parenting (e.g. natural birth, breastfeeding). Maybe I'm worried about being judged if those things don't work out for me?

• Garden variety jealousy over sharing the spotlight maybe??

Gah, I really just want to relax and be happy for her... Have others gone through this/have any advice on how to get over it? At the moment I'm feeling an instinct to just withdraw so I can focus on my own pregnancy.

I can totally imagine feeling this way, especially the first bullet point. I had losses too, and felt almost begrudging when people had the mindset of pregnancy = healthy baby. It just felt so frustrating, and when you've fought so hard to get something, it can be difficult to see it come so easily to others.

What tends to work for me is not fighting feelings, just acknowledging them. When the feelings of jealousy happen, accept that they are feelings of jealousy. Giving it a name and accepting it for what it is weirdly does seem to help! Xx

I hear you! I don't have a sister, but when my SIL and a close friend both announced pregnancies a few days after we learned our 2nd IVF transfer had been successful, I couldn't feel happy, just jealous and resentful that they'd have a baby born just before ours, with a much easier journey (we had a 14 week TFMR, a chemical, endless tests and surgeries and then IVF over the course of 2 yeara to get to our pregnancy) and a bit of me wanted all the attention to be on our baby, who is so hard won!

The feelings have lessened over time and now I do feel mostly excited our baby will have a close in age cousin/a friend but it was hard at the beginning when I was convinced we'd have another loss while they went on to have their babies, that was all I could think of, and I did retreat a bit to protect myself

See how you feel over time, hopefully both your pregnancies go well and you can perhaps enjoy sharing experiences together, but if you don't, that's fine too, you don't have to go to pregnancy yoga together!

Are you jealous? Your feelings are natural and normal for someone who has conceived after pregnancy loss or is newly pregnant.

I think it’s the circumstances- you’re both pregnant at once and you are comparing yourself against her.

try and reframe your thoughts:

So for point one acknowledge (to yourself, others, your sister) that for you, it is difficult to assume that this pregnancy will turn out ok as your own experience has told you that it may not. However your sister is allowed that blissful ignorance as she has not been through a miscarriage. And you hope that she doesn’t either. Allow yourself to be different in your feelings.

As you know how it feels to be compared, acknowledge that you know better and will encourage your child, and hers to flourish in their own way. The sooner you can vocalise this the better. But also think of the positives - the two children could be friends for life.

let her have her strong opinions, keep yours vague ‘I’m taking each day as it comes’ You will be judged so do what you want anyway.

The great thing about sharing the spotlight is all the attention won’t be spent scrutinising you and your baby. Just let your sister dominate the opinion while
you get on with parenting the way that you want to.

I had 3 miscarriages and one still born son before I had my 2 children.

I tell judgy or critical people (including myself) that I’m just glad to have my children alive and well thank you.

Thanks both. Reassuring to hear @Orangewillow that it has mostly turned to excitement over time. I want to get to that place! Hopefully I need to just be patient with myself and let myself feel the feelings for now.

I think is great you’re looking to tackle these feelings head on!

Put a load of stuff in a mental box, does it matter if she thinks you should/shouldn’t breastfed? Does it matter if she thinks a certain way of giving birth is best? Her having a baby does NOT make your baby any less exciting.

Getting competitive over kids is a choice - your baby will be fabulously unique. As long as you think they’re the best, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks 😊