18 weeks pregnsncy and friend made comments like "if the pregnancy continues"

[Mothalina]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant, I already have a nearly three year old, so I'm showing much sooner this time around. I saw one of my oldest friends today and shared the news. She immediately asked if the scans had all been OK (I explained scans and prenatal tests all good so far just waiting on the up-coming 20 week anatomy scan). During the rest of our morning together she made remarks like 'if the pregnancy continues'. This made me feel unsettled and scared. Why would she talk like that? She has had two healthy pregnancies, no miscarriages. For context I have had two miscarriages previously (at 6 weeks and 10 weeks) but have not shared that with her. I have already been feeling anxious about muly pregnancy and this has made me feel much worse. Am I being over sensitive?

No! That's horrible. Did you call her out?

She might be trying to be sensitive as some people prefer to talk like that - it may be she has had miscarriages but not told you, or has other friends in your position and that’s how they talk/like to be talked to?
I find it’s best to assume the best intentions unless you have info otherwise.
That of course doesn’t change how it makes you feel - just tell her kindly that fact and if she meant it well she will probably be mortified/apologetic and you can thank her for the considerate place it came from and move on as friends…

I have talked like that about my own pregnancies (especially my second ) as I was mentally preparing myself for something to happen ( he was born 31 weeks and is doing amazing now).

But I would absolutely never speak about someone else's pregnancy like that, could it be jealousy. I had my 20 week scan in my first pregnancy after 3 losses , and was telling a friend how relieved I was, the response was miscarriages can happen up to 24 weeks .

Or maybe she or someone close has had losses/struggles and hasn't told you ? I find pregnancy announcements, telling people etc complicated (not sure that's the right word) but you never know what someone is going through.

Wishing you a healthy pregnancy and congratulations x

You haven’t shared the fact you’ve had miscarriages with her, and I don’t think you can be 100% sure that you know the entirety of her obstetric history either.

Only you can know if you think she was trying to be cautious for your benefit (possibly because of a situation she or someone she knows has experienced) or if she was trying to cause you anxiety for some nefarious reason.

It’s hard to tell from what you’ve said. I would strongly suggest not confronting her at the moment, though, because it may be that you hear a story that causes you even more anxiety. I would avoid discussing it with her for the next few weeks and try to focus on other things.

She was perhaps a little insensitive but it seems likely that's she's had miscarriages, pregnancy anxiety or close contact with miscarriage. It's really hard to feel a pregnancy is guaranteed after those experiences for many people, especially before 20 weeks. I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt or unsettle you so please don't be upset or cross with her.

Thank you for the kind responses. I'm not cross with her at all, but the comments have just set my anxiety off. She has a lot of friends and extended family with kids (many more than me) so maybe does know of later losses.... I also don't like making pregnancy announcements and would have liked to wait until after the 20 week scan but because I'm so obviously showing, that's not been an option. Our anatomy scan has been booked when I'm 21 weeks, I'm going to see if there's any chance we can have it sooner.

Her comments were unkind and insensitive, whatever her personal experiences have been, or the experiences of others that she has been privy to.

Anecdotes about pregnancy loss aren’t a good reason to take any action. I found distraction helpful in managing anxiety when pregnant.

I think the key fact to keep in mind, OP, is that the only other pregnancy you have been 18 weeks pregnant with resulted in you giving birth to your now 3yo DC.

So you currently have a 100% success rate of carrying 18 week old foetuses to term.

There’s no reason to think there will be any issue here, and someone else being a bit cautious/clumsy with their words doesn’t change your own biology or statistics.

She's jealous and wants to worry you. I've experienced this exact before myself in my pregnancies from women who were either not in a position to conceive or could not conceive Anyhow, she's vindictive. It's evil behaviour, fuck her off.

You haven’t shared your pregnancy history with her and perhaps she hasn’t with you.

Lots of pregnancies end after 18 weeks so it’s likely that she has been impacted by it, either personally or through a friend or family member. However, it’s perfectly reasonable to explain to her that you don’t like the terminology and would like her to rephrase it.

Crikey, reaching much?! Insensitive, sure, vindictive and evil is a little much from what we have here!!