Having a boy has made me insecure.

[BlondeAutumnGirl]

Looking for comments from anyone in a similar situation.

My partner has two sons from a previous relationship. He had them very young and they are 14 and 10. He does NOT get on with his ex at all.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant - my first. Three days ago we had our gender reveal scan and found out he's a boy. My stomach dropped and I'm ashamed to say I felt absolutely gutted. My ex husband was unable to have children and I underwent lots of invasive IVF treatment, suffered an early miscarriage and was genuinely looking at a life with no children at all. I've been on that side of the fence and have lived it. I genuinely know how lucky I am now and I am incredibly grateful that so far he is healthy and well and that makes me feel even more ashamed of my feelings.

I've sat with it and I think I've identified some reasons why. Firstly, my mum, my partner's mum and his sister (who has a one year old little girl) all said they wanted a girl. My partner's niece was his sister's first child and the first grandaughter. This little boy is neither my partner's first child or the first grandson. I feel like this is a massive disappointment to them all and he'll be seen as just "another boy". Also, because we already have the two boys this is very likely going to be my only child so where I felt like I already have sons, I'm now grieving the realisation that we will never have a daughter. I also convinced myself that my partner longed for a girl and this would complete our little family perfectly.

I know I'm being silly - selfish even - but I can't fully shake this. Can anyone offer advice?

Firstly, my mum, my partner's mum and his sister (who has a one year old little girl) all said they wanted a girl.
I feel like this is a massive disappointment to them all and he'll be seen as just "another boy"

Who cares what they want! Who cares how they feel! This is your longed for child. I actually wouldn't want a child of mine to be fetishised and fawned over for being the only or first girl (or boy) in the family, I wouldn't want their sex to play any role in how they were treated.

When I had my first (boy), my sister already had two boys as did my SIL, no girls in family. I shut down all talk of preferences in the run up (didn't know sex before birth) and obviously once here there were no comments made to me.

So I was in your partners position, I had two teenage boys when I met dh. He really wanted a baby, we got married and I got pregnant and we had a baby boy, obviously my 3rd ds. He wasn’t “just another boy” he was a delight and a gift to all the family. My mum and sisters were delighted to have another baby in the family, Dh was like a dog with two tails he was so happy, and I was so grateful to have conceived again at age 40.

Please don’t compare this baby with any other child. Every child is unique, you will adore your baby. And who cares what his family want or think?!

I think the first thing to remember is that this is your baby, not your mother's, SIL's or MIL's. No one has any right to be disappointed about the baby's sex and if they are decent people, which hopefully they are, they will love the new arrival regardless.

I understand you feel disappointed because you'd hoped for a girl and convinced yourself that everyone else wants a girl too - but in reality, most people don't much care one way or another. People want you to have a healthy baby and any sex preferences will likely disappear swiftly.

When the baby arrives I'm sure you will feel so much love for him that all your disappointment will vanish immediately. You will love him because he's your son and you won't want to change him.

Give yourself some grace. You can grieve the absence of a daughter while also loving and celebrating the arrival of a son, it's very normal. I felt similarly, I knew my first child would have to be my only one, and I grieved the fact that I would never have a daughter, at the same time as being over moon that I was having a baby at all.

When they are born this will all melt away and none if it will matter at all, you wouldn't swap them for the world.

If it helps, a close friend of mine was disappointed ti be having a third boy, but in fac to the extent I was concerned about depression. Onct since he was born she has been besotted with him. He’s clearly her favourite. Give yourself space. it’ll all work out ok.

This is YOUR son and you are going to be a great mum to him. Focus on that. We need more good guys. He will adore you so much.

Just let yourself feel it right now without feeling bad about feeling it. It will pass. But as pps said, this is your baby, not your MIL’s or SIL’s.

Of course it’s normal to grieve for the daughter you were hoping for. It’s ok to feel disappointed for a little while. But try to start looking at the positives of having a healthy baby!

Forget what the rest of your family think! This is your much longed for baby!
I have three boys OP and each time I hoped for a girl. But each and every one of my boys is special and unique and I wouldn't change any of them for the world. There's a real intensity and focus on gender when pregnant, I've experienced it myself. It's because your baby just feels like an idea at that stage. When they are a real human it completely changes. I know someone recently who had girls and desperately wanted another girl, but when her boy came she was blown away by the intensity of the love for him and said the mother son bond was different and so special. Just try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy.

Female or male, if they're healthy, what else matters?

Really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond to me ❤️ you're all absolutely spot on aswell xx

I must be odd. I was delighted to have a boy.

You’re not odd for being delighted to have a boy.

However, you might have been even more delighted to get the chance to experience raising a girl if you already have boys in the family?

Gender disappointment is common, so don't be too hard on yourself. Once the baby is here you'll just love them and it wont matter. No extra child would be "just another..." They are all unique and special to you.

Also in my experience it a pain having the first grandchild because people are so excited about there finally being a baby in the family that they forget about your needs, get too involved and it can feel suffocating and invasive. It was much nicer when I had my second child. I didn't feel like people were trying to take her off me all the time and I had the space I need to recover and adjust.

I have girls in the family that's why I wanted a boy !

That makes sense!