Help 40 and pregnant with unexpected 3rd

[Whatamess2]

Hi, I know no one can tell me what to do but I can't talk to anyone in real life about this and I'm spiralling. I've just found out im unexpectedly pregnant with third at 40. I think im only around 4-5 weeks so early days. We have two kids , 13 and 9 and life is finally getting easier. Financially we are ok but this is because i am a high earner and work a stressful job. My husband works hard but earns a lot less and we would need my full time wage to manage. If i tell my husband, i know he will want to keep the baby and so I cant tell him as my gut instinct is to terminate. But i just keep having doubts, will i regret it? Or will i regret having a third baby at this age and potentially throwing our nice, comfortable life away!
Has anyone been in similar situation and what did you decide?

I've just experienced this over the past year. Im 44 and have just delivered a healthy unexpected baby. Same age gaps as you as well and thought every day how can I go back to the newborn days. Worried about everythingbut the pregnancy felt the same as the last one 10 years ago, no problems came up on any scans etc.
Briefly thought of termination and partner would have gone with my decision either way, but deep down knew I couldn't terminate as I do see life as a miracle. When I look at her now I think wow it was definitely the right decision to go ahead. However over many days of the pregnancy I would think what have I done, how much have I potentially ruined things, but I'm a big worrier.

Yes we will be short of money and childcare will be difficult, but for me, bringing a new life into the world outweighs all the negatives. I know this won't be the same for everyone however. I wouldn't see it as throwing a nice comfortable life away but hopefully building on this. I'd always thought of a 3rd child though so for it to happen accidentally it feels like I got my happy ending. If you'd never considered a 3rd I imagine you might feel quite differently.

Thank you Tortforever, thats really lovely to hear your perspective and im really glad it all worked out ok for you.

I would consider the school runs you would have a 10 year old at 50. I think you should tell your DH though so you can discuss future contraception plans OP.

I have just posted on here myself. 39 and pregnant with unexpected 5th!!

4 with my ex husband, this one with new partner. Scared and not sure what to do!

I'm same as you, haven't told partner because I know he will want to keep (he has two grown up kids himself) as he doesn't like the idea of termination,

We are settled, mortgage paid off, lots done on house recently, kids Re starting to be almost all independent. Do I really want another baby?

If I romanticise it in my head I'd love another but am I being silly?

We don't be have a spare bedroom either... So would take some logistical working out too!

Your financial concern could be alleviated by you taking a very short mat leave to recover, and then your husband taking parental leave and being the one to take months off work. I know this isn't maybe what you (or your husband?) would ideally choose, but if that's the only major barrier I'm not sure it's enough on its own. You don't mention actually disliking the idea of a third, or any particular issues with coping (eg a difficult marriage, mental health issues, existing children have SEN, etc). Is there anything else, or is it really just the financial issue?

Whatever you decide, you would be insane not to tell your husband. Even if you start the conversation with "I have decided I want to terminate..." (as the decision is of course yours). But you can't just terminate without telling him. It's not healthy to have secrets that enormous from your spouse.

Agree with PP that you need to tell your DH. I have a friend who terminated her fourth pregnancy as it was unplanned, she was 42, and just no (with the support of her DH). Some 10 years later she is still both sad about it (and wonders about the baby she never had) and completely certain it was the right decision for their family. Her kids don't know and probably never will as she doesn't feel she needs to burden them with that information.

The old classics of making lists of potentially good things about it and potentially bad things (including risk of higher needs child) and use that to talk it through with your DH?