Loss / Panic / Pregnancy / HG

[Hotchocolateandsnowing]

We have been trying for a second for a few years. We have experienced a TFMR, MMC, chemical pregnancies, 2 life threatening situations etc.

I am sad but relieved every month I’m not pregnant. Just found out I’m pregnant and the panic is starting to set in.

I have such negative thoughts that I might as well end the pregnancy as it’s never going to end in a healthy baby anyway. I have spoke to my therapist about this and it makes sense, my body is protecting itself as I do believe I might die or we will have another miscarriage. I’m not excited, I’m scared.

I have also suffered from HG in other pregnancies and the idea of going through that isn’t ideal either. I have started my medication already.

I don’t feel happy, I just keep thinking if I’m going to miscarry just get it over and done with soon. I feel like I’m two different people when pregnant and not pregnant.

Has anyone else experienced this?

First of all I’m so sorry for your losses

Yes this can be a common mindset. You are “waiting” for something bad to happen due to past experience’s and just want it to happen already. You can’t believe you will be holding a healthy baby at the end of your pregnancy. I was in disbelief the whole time I was pregnant with my DS due to crippling anxiety from my past.

You are right it is just your body’s way of protecting itself from hurt xx

Thanks for the reply. I feel so sad today, I really don’t believe it will happen. My mind really is trying to protect itself. I want a baby but not the pregnancy.

i spoke to the miscarriage association yesterday and they said it’s really common. They have some zoom groups I could join which i think might make me feel alone.

I just want my body to miscarry any get over it already as I really believe that will happen. My tests are slowly getting darker but not as quickly as expected and my boobs don’t hurt. I feel so scared / alone / crazy and I just want to sit and cry

I have had HG and I’d never underestimate the trauma that causes and it possibly is a big source of your fear. I went through a terrible TFMR after battling through HG earlier this year and this will sound awful as I was devastated to have to have TFMR but a tiny part of me felt that something beyond my control had given me relief from the sickness .

You don’t sound awful at all, all HG suffers understand you 110%. I remember having thoughts I just wanted to miscarry just to stop the sickness. Then I was devastated when i did. It’s a really odd double edge sword