Surprise pregnancy at 42

[AllieLou]

Hi, just posting to get some impartial advice as I don’t feel I can really talk to anyone in real life. I’ve just found out I’m 5 weeks pregnant at 42. It’s come as quite a shock and for the last week or so I was fully expecting my period to arrive as I had period pains and lower back pain but after a week late I felt concerned and thought I should rule out pregnancy before making an appointment with my dr.

My husband is just as shocked as I am and we have agreed we need a bit of time to let it sink in before deciding what to do. I feel so torn. I have two children 10&8 so it would mean starting over again with the baby stuff but I think they would be thrilled and help out. But the next minute I’m worrying about my age (42 and husband is same age), health implications on me and baby and worrying about disabilities/possible c section recovery as an older mum. Plus the logistics of school run, hobbies and after school clubs with a baby in tow.

But I’m just not sure I could go through a termination unless there were medical reasons.

I just feel so so unsure about what to do.

I don’t know if I can give impartial advice as I was in a very similar situation and am definitely very biased. I’m sitting here holding my surprise baby that I had at 42, and she is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and to our family. I have two older boys 8 and 6 and after a few years of trying we decided our cut off point was 40 for similar reasons to the ones you outlined re being an older mother. Apart from pelvic girdle pain the pregnancy and birth were so easy. She has just fitted into our family so well and is adored by her brothers too. She is an easy going baby and a good sleeper, and very much goes with the flow. With older siblings she gets dragged along to all the school runs, extra curriculars etc which I do sometimes feel guilty about. But she loves the stimulation and the interaction with people she meets out and about. I suppose our difference is that this was a very much longed for child that arrived a few years after we had given up hope. Everyone’s experience is different but ours has been an overwhelmingly positive one. Best of luck whatever you decide.

Give it time to sink in. I had my planned last baby at 41, (she was 34 yesterday) second marriage and DH had no children. I went through the menopause the following year. I had had a miscarriage before her. My youngest was 9, next 15 and oldest DD 20. They all get on like a house on fire. I didn't announce it till I had the results of the amino, I understand it's easier, quicker now with blood tests. Slightly different because mine was planned. A lot of people were really rude, the 18 year old child carer I had used for a while,sneered. I always looked very young for my age, and people were shocked I had a 20 year old. I was working ft, mostly nights nursing,so I did school runs. We pretty much had the same hobbies,ie horse riding. My older kids baby sat, they were asked and paid. I didn't expect it automatically. My oldest DD made me a granny the following year. Oh, I didn't have a cs following previous one and complications.it was my easiest pregnancy and birth.

Echoing @Nannyfannybanny my 3rd was the easiest pregnancy and both also. And parenting is so much easier when you’re an experienced parent with years of parenting under the belt. I was muddling through and figuring it all out the first two times.

You are unfortunately at a higher risk of miscarriage due to genetic abnormalities because you are older. And you’ll have opportunities for testing during the early weeks of pregnancy to determine if there is some other type of genetic abnormality. But I think if you get through those things that you shouldn’t be worried about the baby’s health — then all signs will indicate that you’ll have a healthy happy baby!

I don’t see that much reason either to worry about your own health. There’s a higher chance of c section, gestational diabetes, etc., but there’s always a reasonable chance of c section. You could get through it if needed. I know a lot of people at that age who have had great pregnancies!

I was the 3rd accident with a big age gap. My older siblings are 9 and 11 years older than me. Nearly 40 now and we have always got super well. I loved being able to hang out with my much older siblings when I was a teenager and they definitely did a lot of mothering towards me over the years.

i also don’t think you should be concerned about your age. I’ve finally met the right person at nearly 40 and my age is not putting me off at all. I know loads of people who have had children in their early 40s and it’s been fine. Maybe you have slightly less energy than in your early 30s…

Honestly, I'd have had the termination booked within 5 minutes of the positive test in that situation

What an awful thing to say. The OP has not indicated she wants the pregnancy not to progress

@AllieLou I can’t say it was a surprise pregnancy as such as we’d been trying a while to have a second but I got pregnant at 42 and I was only a few weeks away from turning 43 when I had my little girl. She’s now nearly two and a half and beautiful, clever, funny, infuriating and has brought me so much joy.

I hope all goes well for you. I’m by no means anti abortion but I certainly don’t think anyone should be ending a wanted pregnancy on account of their age. (And wanted and planned are not the same things!)

I had two easy pregnancies at 41 and 44, both healthy and no complications. I opted for an elective c section both times and had a very quick recovery. You can do the NIPT test now to rule out any abnormalities. I don’t think I’m any more tired than much younger mum friends with kids the same age.

If you don’t want to terminate then it looks like you’re having a baby! Congratulations OP.

Only thing I would say is please, please, please don’t plan on the older DC helping out. If they want to help here and there when they feel like it then lovely, but it’s not their responsibility to raise this child.

My mum got pregnant with my youngest sibling at the age of 42. I was 14, and sibling were 12 and 9 (going on a year older by the birth).

It wasn't without it's challenges. My dad (5 years older than mum) fell ill and passed away less than two years after youngest sibling was born. This meant that I, and siblings had to fill gaps in parenting/guardianship. I don't think my mum ever went to a single parents evening.

Dealing with a teenager in the late 50s also looked quite exhausting. If I'm honest, I do think youngest sibling struggled with lack of siblings in close age. By the time they reached age 5, we were 15-20, with active social lives, so didn't get the play we all had growing up.

That said, we're all adults now and get along rather well. Youngest sibling is at a RG uni, and functioning okay.

I don't think there's a right / wrong answer here. My experience as a sibling wasn't horrible, but it make me decide I'd have all my children close in age (so far all 2yrs apart). Obviously I don't know what the future holds. I may feel differently in 10 years when I'm 42.

/when baby arrives, it’s also super important to make time for the older siblings.

Ours are 14, 12 and 3 now. I was 37 when the 3 yo was born (a surprise). The age gap is totally fine. The key is to make time for more grown up activities with the older ones. The 4 of us spend time together after the little one goes to bed and we watch a film or TV series we all enjoy. Sometimes my mum babysits the little one, or we take turns doing things with the older ones, like going to the theatre, and we do lots of things everyone can enjoy, like swimming.

We never expect them to do any 'parenting' but they often play with her anyway because they enjoy it. Logistically it's busy but so far so good.

I had NIPT because I wanted to be as sure as possible that the new baby would be healthy, this was very important to me as I felt my first duty was to the children I already had. Luckily all was fine!

Every family is different and I know friends who would have made a different decision, which is, obviously, totally fine. It's a very personal choice. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. X

Yeah it was a lot more difficult to recover last time. I was 43 when I had her and I kept getting sick and had to use taxis for school run for a while and it was difficult to carry on working this time around, but I am super happy to be doing school runs into my late 40s and hands on parenting into my 50s because I was afraid of empty nest syndrome.

By the time my littlest moves out I'll be totally ready for some serious alone time. I'll probably get a little job and enjoy a social life again.

If you don't want that and want to rest after raising two children then a termination would be best. I've had one of those too, at around 9 weeks, and it was actually very straightforward. But it's certainly not if you feel it's wrong for you to do.

Hi, I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant with my surprise baby at age 44! I was 43 when I got pregnant and so far all of our tests, scans etc have come back normal! 😊
I was worried when I first found out because of my age, I’ve already had one healthy pregnancy with my little boy, who is now 8, so I know my body can do it! 😊

Well I would. She's obviously ambivalent or wouldn't have posted here. I'm not saying she should necessarily terminate, just that that's what I would do.

Only you can make the decision op, some will call you crazy (me included) for starting over again. It's up to you whether you are willing to do that.. Just be prepared that it may be harder than you think, as it's been a long time since having a newborn.

Take your time to decide what to do. If you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, you can do a NIPT at 12 weeks to screen for abnormalities (because the risk is higher over 40). I had my baby at 41 and it all went well.

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded, I really appreciate it. Still feeling pretty overwhelmed and unsure about it all. Definitely feel like I’m at a crossroads and unsure which way to go. My husband thinks we should give ourselves a bit more time to process it all.