Anxiety following previous losses

[Trashracoon]

I’m sure it’s completely normal (maybe?) but I feel I needed somewhere to vent and this seemed like the best place to maybe find someone who understands as poor hubby doesn’t.

we’ve had 4 back to back losses, most recent being a mmc February just gone, which quite ruined us both, I ended up in therapy for awhile with my grief, we decided we did want to carry on trying and did that, after a few months of bfns, it turns out now is our time and I’m currently 5 weeks pregnant, and I feel so conflicted emotionally, I want this more than anything, but I'm also so afraid, every time I go to the loo, I’m checking im not spotting like previous times, each twinge or uncomfortable symptom I find myself panicking instantly even if it’s normal (I cried to hubby saying my boobs feel more sore than they ever did previously and worried it could be a bad thing) I’m worried that if I get happy or believe this bean is real, that I’m just going to get crushed down the line again, today we had confirmation that we have our 6 week scan next week (early scans are offered from our clinic due to the past) and hubby is so excited, and I wish I was too, but I’m so afraid that I’m going to go in and be given bad news again. Because that’s kinda all I’ve known.

I realise typing it down I probably sound crazy or stupid, maybe it’s valid, maybe it’s my emotions and hormones I don’t know but part of me currently feels like pregnancy after loss isn’t quite the same as a normal pregnancy, I wish I could be as naive as I was with our first pregnancy and not have a care in the world but the mmc has made me have no trust in my body and taught me having symptoms doesn’t mean all is well. Having this level of trauma attached to pregnancy makes me think I won’t fully stop worrying until they’re here 😭

if you’ve taken the time to read thank you 🖤

You don't sound crazy in the slightest. The worst has happened a few times now, forming a pattern which you can't help responding to. I think every woman in your position feels the same. You're probably right that any pregnancy will be surrounded by anxiety now, but that's manageable. Your husband getting excited must feel hard when for you it's all too premature to be getting hopes up. Do you have any other friends or support you can talk it through with?

I completely understand. I had a healthy pregnancy, followed by 5 years of trying and 4 losses and they destroyed me. After the third one I was sent to the recurrent miscarriage clinic but they couldn't find anything wrong. I've had many other invasive procedures and tried various medications but no answers as to why the pregnancies wouldn't stick.

I was absolutely adamant that we were done trying after the 4th loss and we were looking into vasectomies for my husband when I got unexpectedly pregnant.

My consultant put me on a daily dalteparin injection for the first 16 weeks and I had numerous private scans and check up scans with the consultant as I was so anxious. I was flitting between a panicked "this is definitely going to end" and feeling resigned to the fact that it wouldn't last and being quite numb. I was like you and was checking the loo roll every time I went for a wee, sure I would see blood.

But time ticked on and I stayed pregnant. I'm not going to lie, I didn't enjoy my pregnancy at all. I just couldn't see that I would have a baby I could take home at the end of it and I was so angry and upset that my joy and excitement had been taken away. I ended up with gestational diabetes and had a section at 38 weeks and baby had a few issues at the start but now I'm sat here feeding my healthy 7 month old baby boy and replying to you.

Basically, I just want to reassure you that it can happen. After all the heartbreak, you can have your happy ending.

I'm sending you lots of love and good wishes for a successful pregnancy