How to support a struggling friend

[notnowbernard]

Good friend is pg with first baby (due July)

She's been a bit quiet the last few months, haven't heard from her as much. She's let on a bit at how she's finding the thought of motherhood scary, but tbh she's always thought along these lines, even pre-pg

I got a really honest e-mail from her today about how it's been for her. Basically a real struggle (emotionally), scary, not feeling bonded, hating the thought of having a baby/being a mother, feeling her life is over etc

Made me feel very sad a bit teary. And very inadequate as a friend. Am aware I have probably pissed her off with my standard-fare pregnancy chit-chat and questionning etc

Would really appreciate some ideas on how to be/what to say without sounding patronising and condescending

Thankyou

Have mentioned MN already

Might mention again though, yes

It is very common to feel that way. I don't really know what you could say to help, but bumping. Mn is a great idea.

Can she talk to her GP? or her health visitor (who should have been in touch with her already for her pre-delivery hello chat). The thinking now is that most PND actually starts in pregnancy and the sooner she can talk things over and start to come to temrs with impending motherhood, the less chance there is that this will spill over into the post-natal period.

In the meantime, just let her know that what she is feeling is quite normal and that you are there for her if she wants to talk.

I'm sure she appreciates your friendship and the fact she has confided in you says that she doesn't think you are inadequate as a friend at all......and your concern tells me that you are, indeed, a very good friend

Actually, having read lacka's post, I was so down about my (wanted) pregnancy that I had to take some Ads and spent hour long sessions with the fab mw to help. Ante-natal depression is as common as post-natal.

I was the same nicky...I has two MCs so DD was very much a desperately longed for baby, but I was so ill with morning sickness and scary scary hormones (Dh will testify that I was, to put it mildly, "fecking mental") that I had all these conflicting things going on, wanting her but hating her for making me feel so awful. I also started on ADs late in pregnancy, although in hindsight I should've sought help much much sooner.

Doctor, health visitor and Mental health nurse who is with our HV team were fab though.

In her e-mail she said she's already had "tearful" sessions with MWs and Drs But hopefully that means they are aware of how she is feeling and can offer support if needed

It's so tempting in these sitations to say "Look, it's all going to be ABSOLUTELY fine in the end", but I'm not because, you know, it might NOT be (at first, anyway)

Just wondered what people who have experienced this found helpful at the time, or wished people had said

for me, just knowing that I wasn't going potty and that lots of women feel like this definately helped, as did talking to friends (often not about pregnancy related stuff). I had some links on AND/anxiety in pregnancy and reading other women's experiences helped enormously.

there was a thread active on here for a while which was very helpful.

I'll have a look and see if I can dig out some links

Thankyou very much

good article on Woman's hour

It's the Daily Mail, sorry, but quite a good article

and good old mumsnetters come up trumps

I did have some stuff I printed off, but I can't remember where I found it. I'll have a dig in the study and see what I can find. I can use it myself at the minute!

Daisy that MN thread looks great

Will have a good read through for ideas

Thankyou

Hope you're feeling ok?

I'm alright. Pregnant again and was OK to start with, but stopped my meds and it all got a bit hairy again. but, I'm back on the meds and seeing the mother and baby unit again so they are keeping an eye on me.

Good days and bad days, but starting peer supporter training with the ABM today has made me feel much more positive about my lot.

I think it is sooo easy to get bogged down in being pregnant and being a mum, and that keeping an outside interest (even if it's on hold for a bit) can make a huge difference.

If your friend wants to come on MN I'm sure she will get a warm and fuzzy welcome

Casualty beckons.....keep us posted to how she is doing and tell her she isn't alone

Will do

Take care of yourself, glad things are on the up