Ds ex girlfriend is pregnant- advice

[Namechangexyzx]

Name changed as sensitive.

DS (21) had a girlfriend this year - and they slit up recently.

Since breaking up she has found out she is pregnant (unplanned).

They are currently estranged.

Their relationship has always been fractious and this is likely to continue.

She is planning intention to keep the child (whilst this isn’t his wish, he understands he doesn’t have the final say).

His view is that their relationship is over and is unlikely to be constructive going forwards.

He wants to do the right thing by the unborn baby in terms of access and payment.

Any thoughts as to who he could speak to, to provide some professional guidance please?

Is she definitely pregnant?
Is it definitely his baby?

This

There should definitely be a DNA test done when the baby is born, I’m sure that won’t go down well with your son’s ex girlfriend though.

He needs to talk to ex girlfriend, let her know he intends to support the baby and would like to share responsibility. He needs to keep communicating with her in a friendly supportive way and keep trying to help her.

I think you, and his father (assuming he's around), are the people he needs for guidance right now. Even then, there's nothing that will fully equip him for the tornado that a baby brings.

He needs to be very clear about there being no chance of reconciliation. And yes, at some point he needs to state he wants a DNA test done.

Aside from that, assuming the ex is telling the truth and doesn’t change her mind, he’s going to be a father, with all the lifelong responsibility that brings.

How do you get on with her? Does she work?

she is definitely pregnant.
it is definitely his.

we are doing everything we possibly can to support. Just think it would be helpful for him to speak to someone for some impartial and professional advice. A lot going on in his head right now.

Genuine question - what does he need impartial advice about? Obviously he has to financially contribute to his child - will he be dictated by the CMS minimum? Re access/contact a lot depends on when the baby is here e.g is the baby breastfed? Can he maintain a civil relationship with his ex so that when baby arrives he can see the newborn plenty? Saying that because he shouldn’t assume he can take newborn away from mum for hours at a time. He should speak to her about what is needed before baby arrives and contribute to that. Above all, he should realise that whilst this may not be the way he imagined his life would go it doesn’t mean his life is over, he can be a good, supportive Co parent. Oh and do what my ex’s mum did - she supported us both and never took sides (I was not with ex when baby was born)

Does he have a job/what are his earnings like?

Ok.. practicalities...
Make sure he's on the birth certificate. He will need to attend the registration appointment with ex. He then has parental responsibility which is important as baby grows to be kept in the loop about medical stuff, nursery, school etc
Maintenance is currently 15% of net salary, I'd suggest he sets up a monthly standing order to avoid any confusion etc.
Child arrangement order/voluntary access.. how acrimonious are they? Is she likely to let him have regular access or is she going to want to go to court? He doesn't need legal representation for this but better to do voluntary if at all possible .
Help him to realise that access will be little and often until around 18 months old. Can he commit to taking baby out for an hour so mum can sleep etc . Expect her to want to be present particularly in the first few months but he needs to be very clear that there is no relationship. Don't expect her to want to hand baby to him immediately, little and often is the key. Look at how it can be built up over time.
I divorced when my ds was 2 , ex h dragged me through court 5 times and tried all sorts to prove that he should be the only parent etc. regardless of your son's feelings for this girl, be respectful, show respect and don't make assumptions. He'll need to step up and still be a provider. Think about how you can support him to fulfil his role as dad (which still exists regardless of what he thinks of his ex partner) is he working, can he provide the occasional 'extras' to help his ex partner. Does she have family support (I'm assuming she's quite young too) Teach him not to expect her to give the baby over for extended periods of time straight away, get him to show that he wants to be a parent not a Disney dad.
Set up an email address specifically to discuss baby and what baby needs. Parenting plans can be useful as it cuts out the 'he said/she said'
Don't assume anything , it's hard for her too, you'll not be taking her place but she should have confidence that you'll be supportive grandparents (I had the mother in law from hell who thought nothing of calling me filthy names to my very young ds) remember he's SEPERATED from his partner, not the baby, don't judge what she is or isn't doing.

It is a shame he is taking such a negative view of their relationship going forwards.

I mean small r - their co-parenting relationship. Clearly he is under no obligation to pursue a romantic relationship with her if he doesn't wish to.

But for the sake of their child, he needs to try to build a positive and respectful co-parenting friendship with her, going forwards.

He doesn't have to think she is great, or even agree with everything she does.

But he needs to be polite, supportive and caring towards her. As she is going to be in his life for the rest of his life now, like it or not.

Encourage him to think of her as a kind of family member. You don't get to choose those but, barring abuse, you do need to be as polite and cooperative with them as you reasonably can.

Good luck.

(And I know this is a bit stable door, but please encourage him to think carefully about his contraceptive choices going forwards, as it's not unusual for a lad to make this mistake more than once. A bumper pack of condoms would be going into his Christmas stocking if he were mine!).

A good start would be talking to her and recognising what she wants from him rather than what the legal position is. Id also suggest that baby related expenses don't start on the day the baby is born so he might want to think about that.

Thank you. There are some really thoughtful replies here. Much appreciated.

unfortunately they had a very volatile relationship when they were together (hence they split up).

He has been trying to talk to her but other than one recent conversation in person she won’t respond / has blocked him.

It’s all got rather tricky.

When she found out she was pregnant he expressed that his wish was for her not to go ahead with it. He absolutely understands she will / is making the decision.

However, she has said he has one month to decide if he is going to have the baby with her (ie, get back together) and if not, then she doesn’t want to hear from him again / and will stop him from seeing the baby when it’s born.

whilst it isn’t his wish for her to go ahead, given she is going to he wants to financially support and to be able to see their baby.

So the reason I was asking if there is an organisation he can contact is because we think it would be helpful for him to be able to speak to someone who is completely impartial from the situation and can fully outline his financial responsibilities, parental responsibility, what to do if she won’t let him see the baby, etc.

if anyone has any suggestions of someone he can contact that would be appreciated.

Well he could seek legal advice, as if she genuinely does keep him from the baby he will probably need legal advice to apply to court. It's always best to avoid that if possible however. Do you have any contact with her family? It might be good to step in as calm and rational adults (I know they are adults but still)
Financially, he needs to do a CMS calculation and from the date the baby is born he needs to save that amount in an account to hand over to the mum when he is able to do so.

Unfortunately I’ve never heard of an organisation that would support men who are being manipulated and emotionally abused and blackmailed in the the way that is happening to your ds.

I think your best bet would be to get legal advice about what he should do to ensure he is on the birth certificate, how to arrange the DNA test and what to do about going to court to arrange access.

It might sound daft, but I’d put the whole situation into chat GPT and see what it says. Your local family court might have information on their website.

Jesus, the misogyny on a parenting website by women.

Yes, she's a lying little slag, who's fucked somebody else immediately after splitting up with him and is trying to palm the baby off onto him.

Listen to yourselves.

Advice - both adults let them sort it out.

The girlfriend has actually stopped talking to him. So, if it was somebody else's baby, she wouldn't be saying it was his and then blocking - she would be grateful It wasn't his.

I don't know if the organisation "Dads Matter" might be able to help?

I tend to agree with Celestrialmoods, but a balanced,positive situation can be achieved with huge effort. Your DS will be most grateful for your support, which I suspect will be needed greatly. Citizens Advice can lay down the basic outline of his rights. Organisations such as Action For Fathers and Fathers4Justice are useful, but you may need to pay for any professional service you go on to require.
Of course it would be better to negotiate a good relationship with the ex-partner but this is sometimes impossible (could you speak to her likely support network?) From your comments I believe your priority is the baby, and ensuring a loving, ongoing relationship with him/her.As others say, during the first 18 months or so it will be particularly difficult for your DS to build a regular bond with the baby if the Mother is not keen.

I have also found these, but have no personal experience with them.

• Families Need Fathers (FNF): A leading charity providing information and support to parents and carers, primarily concerned with maintaining a child's relationship with both parents after family breakdown. They offer a national helpline, online forums, and local support group meetings.
• Both Parents Matter: This charity provides information, advice, and support to parents and grandparents whose relationship with their children is under threat, including those experiencing parental alienation. They also offer a helpline and support groups.

Id just add that you might want to encourage him to see things from her POV with regards to his involvement. She is pregnant, feeling a sense of connection and protectivness towards her baby. He has told her he wanted her to get an abortion, and now he wants to be involved. Yes he has a right to be involved, but she probably needs time to mentally get used to this. It's a difficult thing for a pregnant woman to reconcile.

Whether he likes it or not he has set a tone, and just saying now he wants to do the right thing isn't really enough- he needs to prove it.

@Dacatspjs this woman is telling the father of her child that if he doesn’t agree to be in a committed relationship with her within a month, she is going to deny both him and her child a relationship with each other. There is normal pregnancy protectiveness and hormones, and there is unhinged.

It is not ok for women to make threats like that. Would you think it was acceptable for every woman who has ever considered abortion and decided against it to be punished for her feelings upon finding out she was pregnant until the child is an adult?

If she's really making those threats, he needs legal advice from day one. I would not put it into ChatGPT as someone else has suggested! This is actually important to get right.

Until the baby is actually here there is very little he can do. I would suggest don’t give in to her attempts for them to get back together, grey rock any threats about keeping baby from him, only response needs to be ‘I will financially support my baby and be an involved father’ offer £ towards anything she might need in preparation for arrival of baby. Then spend the remainder of the pregnancy working out how he is going to support his baby financially, research what kind of access (don’t think it is called that anymore) is reasonable for a baby. Don’t get involved in tit for tat rows. Don’t be manipulated or backed into a corner he may say something he regrets. Currently he has no rights as baby is not here. Support him in using the next few months to get advice, support and a realistic view of what his future now looks like.

I'm not saying it's alright, I'm just saying that offering some understanding may be more effective than going legal and quoting his rights. He's been allowed to go from wanting her to have an abortion (none of his business) to a complete U-turn in wanting to be involved and a good dad. He might need to actually prove this to her to get her trust, rather than just saying it because it's a big shift.

He has no rights until the baby is born. He isn't entitled to updates, to go to appointments, to know things like gender. If he wants this it needs to come from a place of supporting the mother.

She's probably very worried about what the future looks like, at the moment he has just said he wants to be involved and support her, but no indication of what that is. She can't plan on that.

I'm not saying she's right, but coming at this from a place of kindness, rather than the legal route may be more beneficial.

No-one said anything like that, but in a situation that will likely cost this young man upwards of £100,000, it is essential to work with facts. That is not unreasonable.

This advice is good. Rather than starting down the legal route immediately, I’d be trying to get together with her parents now to develop a relationship as grandparents, it may help your children to move forward as they navigate becoming parents themselves.