Probably going to be a long one.
Coming up to 9 weeks pregnant and I feel so low. Feel like I have ruined everything by getting pregnant even though we knew it might happen (wasn't planned but weren't careful).
I lost both my parents (by age 25) and really struggled with the lack of support when I had my first. First was a reflux baby, only slept through the night at 2.5 years, it was rough for the first year. First is now 3 and up until this pregnancy i had been in a much better place mentally. They are my world and I love our adventures together.
I am definitely still grieving for my mum despite her dying quite a few years ago. When we found out about the pregnancy I was over the moon. Then the nausea and fatigue hit and I was no longer enjoying time with my first and the guilt and negative thoughts started. A few weeks on and I've got to the point where I am considering ending it because I am that low. I thought I wanted this but clearly I am not mentally up to it.
We dont have a support system and when partner goes back to work after 2 weeks paternity I will be solo parenting pretty much for whole of maternity and it fills me with dread. I am under no illusion that ending a pregnancy is easy. I know it will come with its own challenges but right now I cannot see light at the end of this tunnel if I continue.
Finally I am so sorry that I am not more grateful for this pregnancy when so many women wish for pregnancy more than anything. I wish I could feel differently.