How to plan visits after c section?

[Pumpkin8765]

I’m getting an elective c section next week for my second child. My own parents live quite close and I’ve told them I’ll let them know when I’m ready for visitors as priority is getting my first DC used to new baby and recovery. Was thinking a few days to ourselves at least.

My MIL lives 4 hour drive away and has already asked when elective date is she can come straight up. I am trying to work out when to tell her to visit as it’s harder to play it by ear when there is distance.

One thing I am sure about is I don’t want to be under pressure to have anyone visiting before I am ready as I’ll be recovering from surgery and trying to establish BF’ing.

What would you do?

I’d just tell MIL the same thing you’ve told your own parents, the distance is irrelevant really unless you NEED her there at a certain time or want her to arrive immediately when you do say you’re ready for visitors. You will let her know when you’re up for visitors and she can then plan her trip.

A 4 hour drive is still a 4 hour drive whether she has 2 hours notice or 2 weeks notice, you can just let her know when you’re ready.

I’d suggest booking you MIL in for a week post section and just a short visit, and then confirm day before. Yes, people’s noses may be put out of joint if you cancel but this is once in your lifetime and your needs come first.

I’d also keep an open mind. After my second I said no visitors for first week and then it turned our my husband REALLY struggled being effectively lone parent of eldest child as well as my helper lifting, carrying, all stuff I couldn’t do post section and we really needed the extra pairs of hands. In laws actually ended up staying weeks in a time I’d wanted to be private but needs must.

Hi OP. I’d just be honest and tell her you’re having pretty major abdominal surgery, and you’ll need to let her know how you’re feeling before welcoming visitors.
How helpful is your MIL? You will be sore, and restricted in mobility at first. It might be good to have an extra pair of hands, even to help entertain your older child!

Ive mentioned this to my OH.

when you've had baby, just send a message out to say baby is here, you're both doing ok but make it clear at the end of the message that you will be waiting a week or so before having any visitors and you will let them know when you're ready, then your MIL can set a date to come to you.

4 hours doesnt mean anything, it could be well if your free tomorrow morning have a drive to ours sort of thing.

Dont let your MIL pressure you into coming until you're getting settled.

Explain to her that you are going to allow visitors but she needs to respect that you want to get settled with new baby and DC.

Im sure she would understand and if theres any issues around that id speak to DH and get him to speak some sense to her about it. You're recovering from major surgery, you havent settled into BF'ing, and DC is going to need some time to get used to a huge change.

Sometimes PIL dont quite understand🙃

Not all visitors are equal remember

my own parents were wonderful. Dad took toddler down to
the park, mum helped me wash and checked on my wound, they brought food to cook. They both did chores.

i had no problem with them being around literally an hour from being home, neither did my husband.

my in laws are nice people but their presence created more work for us. They insisted on staying with us for a week, when I was a week pp and saw that as giving us some space.

it damaged my relationship with them hugely. I needed looking after, not two people asking me what was for lunch and trying to rope my husband into DIY projects

you can have different rules for different people, and I would be completely honest as to why

I’ve had 2 sections and I had visitors, but it was a case of 30 minutes and they make me tea / coffee and help out.
MIL should get an air b/b etc and she can visit for short trips like your parents. If you’re busy breast feeding then they go to another room and see the new baby when possible, perhaps playing with your first child so they feel part of the whole new baby thing. We bought our first child a present from the new baby when DA was born (she was 3.5 years) and she wanted a baby bath so she could copy me lol 😂
id say you must establish boundaries in advance though, my midwife was adamant that I did not much, only things for the baby after my section as I was busy answering the door ringer, asking if she wanted a cup of tea .. she just said yes please but I’m sure your husband can do that as you’ve just had surgery!

The normal Mumsnet plan is maternal grandparents visit for 10 minutes after 3 months-paternal view the baby through the living room window after 6.

Depends how helpful they are/would be.

I had 2 c sections and needed all the help I could get afterwards.

When I had my DS, my parents wanted to come for 2 weeks when DS was 1 week old (5 days out of hospital). I agreed to 5 nights total and they ultimately waited until I was 2 weeks PP as my mother caught a cough so stayed away. My parents are very helpful though. My mum cooked, cleaned, did laundry. My dad took the baby for a walk around the estate, cared for the dog, would make tea or coffee. When I next give birth, they will come for a similar time frame but will also be helping out with DS1 who will just be 2 at the time.

My MIL has yet to come 😂 We invited her over for a long weekend, as she lives in UK (we are ROI). 20 months on still waiting for her to accept the invite. I was actually dreading her coming though and told my DH he better whip her into shape because I wasn't going to be doing anything for her.

I think let your parents come for short bursts and then invite your MIL perhaps the week after you get out of hospital so you will be maybe 10 - 14 days PP or thereabouts. Let her stay the night if possible and get your DH to arrange for her to take your older child out for a few hours too. Your DH needs to be in charge of making sure MIL is helpful not difficult.

I had an EMCS with my first. Baby born on Wednesday, was let out of hospital late Friday night.

To be honest I expected to want people to leave me alone, but I recovered well and I actually found I really wanted people to come love the baby I loved so much!

I invited grandparents to come to hospital on friday but they had work and didn’t know when I was being discharged so my parents came Saturday (live 2 hours away) and my PIL came on Sunday (live 8 hours away) and stayed overnight in a hotel and planned to go home Monday.

They were all great. No one was trying to hog baby, no comments or issues regarding breastfeeding, bought food, cleaned up after themselves (and the house in general - after seeking permission). PIL were only going to come for those couple of hours on Sunday but we asked them to stay longer and invited them back the next morning so they watched baby while we got some rest. I actually came down with a god awful cold I'd caught on postnatal Sunday morning so they were an absolute godsend and ended up booking another night and leaving Tuesday at our request. They handed baby to me without any protest is asked, if they had baby and they seemed hungry they would seek me out if not in the room. Never even asked to leave house with baby without me. They were just really supportive, did an awful lot of cooking and cleaned and let us get a lot of rest to recover from the hospital stay.

So I'd say play it by ear. You'll message when ready. You may want space - totally fine! You may like me find you want them to come and show baby off. Some of my fondest memories are with them on those first few days. It also depends hugely on if they're helpful or not. Because mine were, I just found their presence really supportive rather than intrusive. Its a personal choice, make the one thats right for you, but be wary of putting your foot down and starting an argument of "I dont want to see you for a month" and a big fallout for you just to decide when baby is here actually we'd love to have you 😅