Anyone finding baby loss awareness week so triggering?

[firsttimepregnanthelp]

I am currently pregnant with my first baby (as my username suggests!) and had my 12w scan the other day - all looking good so far. I have a difficult medical history and always thought I would need IVF so the fact that I have conceived naturally and spontaneously seems too good to be true. I have spent a lot of the first trimester worried about miscarriage/mmc as it seems so common and I have spent a small fortune on private scans to check there is still a heartbeat and that baby is growing. I thought my anxieties would ease following a positive 12w scan but now all I see everywhere is stories of baby loss at all stages of pregnancy which is worrying me. Is anyone else struggling with this? I have been referred to the perinatal mental health team but I am yet to receive an appointment with them. I do think it’s great that people who have experienced baby loss now have a month dedicated to them and that it is no longer a taboo, it is just ‘in my face’ at moment and causing a lot of worry. I have come off social media as a result.

I find it 'triggering' not because I'm pregnant but due to birth trauma as we were very close to my daughter being a statistic, and I have experienced anxiety and PTSD on this basis for the last 10 years. I do think it's very, very important to raise awareness - ultimately the thing that saved my daughter's life (along with the amazing team at the hospital) was knowledge that I found via social media algorithms, as it wasn't in any of the standard information from midwives or at antenatal classes. There is a big difference between your algorithm bringing up factual, helpful accounts when you're pregnant, and shoving gratuitous tales of baby loss on your timeline. Ultimately we have to take individual responsibility to decrease social media use if it is affecting us, as you have, but my worry would be that someone could miss the kind of information that helped me and my baby that they might otherwise have come across if the algorithms weren't so heavy.

However there does have to be a space for this on social media as it is important to many women and families to tell their stories, raise awareness and connect with others.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP.

I suffered from recurrent pregnancy loss before eventually having two successful pregnancies. The chances of having a loss are greatly reduced after seeing a heartbeat at 8 weeks, and by the time you get to about 16 weeks you're no more likely to have a loss at that point than you are at any other point in the rest of your pregnancy. Obviously the risk is never zero, but it is very low.

I never really started to relax until I started to feel movements, which for me was at around 18 weeks.

Now my children are 2 and 4 and I still worry that something might happen to them.

This is part of being a parent, basically you never stop worrying about your babies and so you just have to find a way of managing your anxiety and not letting it steal your joy.

Agree with this post.

The risk of stillbirth has pretty much never been lower than it is today and yet today's generation of women are the first to have a device almost permanently in their hand which is going to show them content about stillbirth when they are pregnant. Of course that's going to cause some women's anxiety to skyrocket.

It doesn't even matter if you don't go looking for pregnancy related content and you've never posted on your social media about being pregnant. Your phone knows you are pregnant because you've searched for pregnancy information on Google and you've talked about it on WhatsApp and you've probably got your pregnancy appointments saved in your calendar and so that's what Instagram is going to show you.

Coming off social media is probably very wise.

Triggering for me as someone who has both lost a young baby and had a tfmr. I avoid social media and don’t do the wave of light.

Im really glad i dont have other social medias for this reason. (Facebook, snapchat, instagram ect)
There are so many people who do suffer from recurrant losses, myself included.
Having that anxiety isn't something you live with one week out of the year. We live with that trauma every single day.

Good news is you've got to your 12 week scan and seen everything is good with bubba!
The loss rates are drastically lower at this stage!

Miscarriage is common as you say, but theres a lot of people who havent had a miscarriage at all and gone on to have multiple pregnancies!
My sister was very ignorant to it, as she had 4 children without a struggle, then she went on to have an early one and began to understand the hurt.

If you are feeling like this without having a previous miscarriage i think you'll definitely struggle throughout this pregnancy if thats on your mind, you havent experienced the mental and physical pain of it, so you wont truly know what that trauma feels like.

I see where you're coming from with anxiety over it, but i do see other peoples complaints with this post. To others its showing that you've experienced something traumatic when you havent.

take time away from mumsnet as theres a few posts that show previous miscarriages and current miscarriages.

Its in everybodys face. It isnt just you and it isnt just for the week or month. Its daily.

Seeing other people who are going on to have pregnancies when people have suffered a loss. I felt it and im sure many others have too, the anger, the emotions, the jealousy of other pregnant people looking happy while we hide.

Its still a taboo, not many people understand miscarriage until you've been through it. I had to sit one of my colleagues down and tell them how difficult it is to go through losses because they didnt understand as not many people do.

Take this time to reflect on what your post reads as, take the time for yourself and get into the right head space.

And congratulations on your pregnancy x

I totally agree. Completely callous (and I'm saying that as someone who has experienced loss).

OP, I would say get this thread deleted. It's unlikely to make you feel better. I'm sorry for some of the unhelpful responses you've had.

I am not pregnant but still find it triggering. After previous late loss, a long time ago, the only time I think of him and feel very sad is when all the ‘awareness’ stuff comes up. I’m not sure if the helpfulness of it outweighs the negative impact it has as personally I don’t want the reminder. I think it should be kept to a more appropriate space, access to support for those seeking it - rather than a big ‘awareness’ thing that brings up tragic memories.

How is it in your face? Genuine question. I’ve not seen much at all. Are you clicking links and reader deeper?

I’ve had four first term losses and years of ivf/surgeries/fertility treatment so I do absolutely get that it can be an incredibly worrying time. I didn’t ‘enjoy’ pregnancy, I just wanted to get through each day. I think if possible try and make it so these articles or stories are not visible. Stay off social media for a few weeks?

personally I think it’s great that baby loss is being talked about. It used to be so taboo, and still is to some. I think we should be talking about it, but inevitably that will cause worries for mums to be.

Perhaps take some accountability, and take steps to limit your social media. You can block key words, mute accounts etc. there are steps you personally can take, to ease your anxiety. It is not for the women suffering the horrific loss of their babies, to hide themselves away to make you feel better. You’re a grown woman. Come off social media if it’s affecting you. You want life to adapt to you, it doesn’t work that way.

Yes I found it very triggering mainly because it fell around the time I lost my last baby and being currently pregnant again (20 weeks) it made me very anxious. I think it's a lovely way to remember lost babies but it's very hard when you're currently pregnant as it just highlights the things that can go wrong 😞 I just avoided it as much as I could which was hard as my hospital had a big area dedicated to it when I was going to an appointment!! I'm actually really glad it's over now x

It doesn't always work like that. I did come off social media, but only after I had to see a picture of someone's dead baby. This was after changing all my settings and blocking keywords. No blurring, no warning, just a dead baby.

I don't think women should hide their losses, but I also don't think they should post pictures like that with no warning.

I can see why a picture of a dead baby would be distressing. I can also imagine holding said dead baby, and how the reality of that would be much worse than me just catching a glimpse of it on social media.

losing a baby is the most isolating, lonely time. People shying away because they’re too scared to think about the horrific reality of it, adds to this isolation.

when you’ve lost a baby, seeing someone with a bump, or a newborn baby cuts like a knife - would it be reasonable to tell people to stop putting photos of their scans/bumps/babies on social media? I do wonder do those who can’t stand to see anything about loss, think of the impact the other way around. I doubt it tbh.

Of course I think about it the other way round. That's why it's so distressing and anxiety inducing to see when you're pregnant.

I'm sorry, but I don't think people should post pictures of dead babies on social media, and, if they do, there should at least be a warning.

Tbh ive had 3 miscarriages and i didn’t even know it was pregnancy loss awareness month/week, but then again im not on social media.
i fully understand how anxious you must feel OP but i also understand how your post could come across as insensitive to those of us who have actually lost a baby, i must admit when i read your post there was that tiny spark of anger 🫢 and thought of selfishness from you, but i know how it feels to feel very scared of losing your baby so I sympathise.
after 12 weeks the likelihood of miscarriage drops quite dramatically, so the fact your baby is all ok at the scan should be very reassuring for you, taking a break from social media is a good idea ( like i said im not on social media and wasn’t even aware) in about 8is weeks you will start to feel small movements which will also help with the anxiety xx

Sorry you're feeling anxious OP, it's very understandable. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
My baby son passed away (I won't share the story but he did have a complex condition) and I volunteer in a charity now who supports parents who get the same diagnosis for their baby and even though we do a lot of work during the week and I talk about my son all the time and speak with parents on the same pathway all the time (which isn't difficult, it's great being able to provide support and care for parents) I actually do find it all a bit much sometimes and I need a break from it all. So I completely understand where you're coming from. Take a breather from socials and find a nice mindful activity to help you when it all feels a bit much.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP!

Social media algorithms have a lot to answer for when it comes to anxiety!

My babies were born a long time ago in the dark ages, before social media. But, like you, I felt anxious throughout my first pregnancy especially (I was more relaxed during the second one, I think because I was so busy with work and a baby). The anxiety was because I had experienced an early miscarriage previously. I don't think about that now; in fact it was behind me as soon as my first baby was born. It happened but then I had 2 children and my time was spent looking after them and looking forwards and not backwards. In my post-natal group of mums, out of 12 of us, 2 has experienced early miscarriage.

I hope that you can talk to someone about how you feel. Maybe your midwife could give you some statistics at the different stages of pregnancy that might help you.

I was really lucky and I had the most amazing community midwife. During one visit, I told her that my MIL had told me off because I hadn't bought very much for the baby's arrival. It was true, I hadn't because I was anxious. My lovely midwife told that didn't matter. But she was concerned about my anxiety. She showed me some statistics and told me that at the stage of pregnancy I was at, it was far, far more likely that my baby was going to be born perfectly fine. She told me that I needed to adjust my mindset to this. It helped me enormously.

OP, I also want to say that with parenthood comes worry. You will always worry about your child. It is normal and needed to make sure that you protect them. My children are young adults now but I still worry. I always will. The worry waxes and wanes; sometimes you worry about them more than at other times.

I can remember feeling more confident as time went on and as the baby grew and I could feel them moving around a lot more.

I am actually also trying to alter my Facebook algorithms at the moment because it loves to give me terribly sad news stories (recent and old) about awful things that have happened to young adults.

I wonder if some deep breathing and meditation might help, too? Lots of peaceful walks and being in green areas or by the sea. Make the most of the quiet time while you can!

The main thing that I want you to know is that how you are feeling is normal for many (if not most) people. And I hope that you can find a way to alter your mindset and visualise seeing your beautiful, healthy baby for the first time.

I hope you get an appointment with the pmh team soon.

I just want to add from a professional perspective, I work for a charity that is currently running a baby loss appeal (hospital charity, trying to improve the bereavement services at our hospital, including 2 new dedicated rooms for those going through loss). We did have awareness stands in both our hospitals plus memory trees (which had the most baby names ever this year, including my own baby). We spoke to so many people across the week about their loss or their experiences of baby loss. It's so important to have these conversations. For our charity it was a time to raise money and awareness but it also gave people a voice. We posted on social media with stories of families who have used our maternity bereavement services (again my own story included). We had many people comment with their own experiences.

I am sorry you struggle to see it, but as a loss mum going through another pregnancy, being able to talk about my baby and speak to others who have been through baby loss, is so important for my mental health. When people ask if this is my first baby I want to say no, my firstborn is in heaven, but this causes negative reactions, so a lot of the time I say yes, this is my first. Which makes me feel so guilty.

I hope your pregnancy goes well and you get the help you have asked for, but please think about how important it is for others to be able to talk about their experiences. I still get people commenting on my old tiktoks about my previous pregnancy, asking for advice because they're currently going through what I did, and it's so important for everyone to have access to that support. So even now, 1 week after BLAW. The content will still be there. So you need to find what works for you to protect your mental health.