so torn on termination

[mummaoftwoteens]

I just turned 39 and recently discovered I'm pregnant. I'm around 7 weeks. My ex and I share two children aged 16 & 12.
My current partner of 5yrs has 3 of his own 18, 16 & 8. He is 49. This would be our only child together.
We are very in love, however, we didn't plan on blending our families and we are both happy in our own homes. We have a lovely mix of family time and also time as a couple when the kids are with their other parents.
Due to the ages of the kids we only planned to live together when 1 or 2 are still left at home.

I am so so torn on whether I continue this pregnancy or not. Heart says yes, head says no.
I would be starting again and neither of us have a house big enough to live in with all the kids. On the other hand I already feel an emotional bond with my baby.

Partner isn't keen on the baby, he feels at 49 he is just to old. I told him 2 weeks ago its his call. So far he cant say yes or no. He is also torn by his head vs heart.

I know everything is leaning towards a termination but gosh its just so so hard. Neither of us can decide :(

Have you tried listing all the things you would need to do on a practical level? I.e new home or change rooms. If not try it and see if it's doable

A termination is definitely the most sensible option. The impact on both your existing children would be huge and you are both older which means the odds on having a child with additional needs will increase. Your DP will be dealing with a teen when he should be retiring and your joint child is more likely to lose a parent young.

Could you have the baby but stay in your own homes? There's no reason you have to live together and that might be less of an upheaval for your other children. Good luck whatever you decide. I had a baby at 40 in less than perfect circumstances and although it's been hard, I wouldn't change a thing.

yes, this is an option. I could live with the baby in my home. Not ideal but it is possible.

OP, why can’t you continue to live in your own home? There’s nothing to say that you have to blend your families if you have another DC. In two or three years, your oldest will in all probability be off to uni or whatever. I worry that if you are already “emotionally attached” that you will suffer adverse effects from a termination. Obviously the decision is entirely up to you and your DP. It’s not an easy decision, I know, and if you continue your pregnancy there’s no guarantee everything will go to plan - people do miscarry. I feel for you, OP, because it’s not an easy thing to decide.

my sister had a baby at 39 having already 3 children at 9, 11 and 13. she said it was nothing like having her other babies, as the grown up (ish) children were so keen on helping that she could barely get a look in. the (now 5 year old) is loved and cared for by the whole family. two children had to share a room so that the baby could have its own, but its brought them very close together. eldest has now moved out for uni and all children have a bedroom again. their house when all 6 were there was chaotic but joyful. just an element to consider.

My DH and I have our own respective kids and none shared. We have a really lovely relationship and life, and not having shared kids is a big part of that. Blending families is hard but introducing joint kids when each parent already has some is much harder. There will always be someone unhappy in the situation. It seems like a romantic and lovely idea now but remember in ten years all your kids will be grown up and you'll have your own time together. That won't happen if you have another child. You'll also be 56 and 67 by the time this one reaches 18! That's a bit mad IMO.

If you don't want a termination then don't get one. You'll probably regret it.

Sorry you are in this situation, it's very difficult. I think I would choose termination. I agree he's too old to be a dad again really and I think it would make life very complicated.

I'm pro choice and have advised abortion on here before, but I actually think if you want this baby you could make this work by continuing to live apart and having support from your partner. There will be an impact on your existing children, but it's manageable and in some ways easier with some of them being close to independence anyway.

The main downside for me would simply be that I couldn't bear to go back to the baby stage in my 40s. I'm enjoying my freedom and seeing my child get more independent. But that is entirely personal - if you want to do it again, you can.

At your stage of parenting (having teens), I couldn't imagine starting over. But my family was created through adoption and both of us were in our 40s when our children were placed. So being a parent of young children in our 40s seemed very natural. I used to be conscious of my age but actually wasn't that much older than many of the mums I met, and several dads were around my age. Through adoption I knew other, even older parents, and families where they had had birth children but adopted later.

So it's all doable but it doesn't sound like it's right for you. Or rather, I don't think it's what I would do in your situation, as it will turn all your plans and expectations upside down. By the way, I also know what it feels like to terminate - it's very hard but, for me anyway, although it was upsetting, I felt sure it was the right decision at the time.

I would try and think about what you planned to do with your partner and with the children over the next few years.
Were you hoping to go any on couples experiences or holidays together.
If you went on a family holiday, would all the older children go and where would the destination be. Is it suitable for a younger child as well.
How easy are your school runs and other school commitments such as meetings or sports events. Would a pregnancy and younger child be easy to navigate these with.
Would you need a new house or car.

It might be easier to think about what a new baby would prevent or limit, rather than what it would bring. As they will always bring love and joy. But are there any non negotiables in the future. For example, is there something or somewhere you always wanted to do or go with the kids that you’d have to delay, potentially until your partner was closer to his 60s.

You need to be certain that it’s the right thing for you. If you go ahead with the termination you risk being traumatised, from making the wrong decision. I was in a similar situation to you and I had a termination. I was 100% sure about having it and I’ve never regretted it. Bless you, I hope you are okay and can reach a decision. 💐

If I was you, I would terminate but that's because I don't want any more DC. I would not be up for blending of families and full and half and step siblings. I would not be up for dealing with baby stage and teen stage at the same time. I would not be up for losing the freedom and free time that comes with having older, more independent children.

But you are you and if you want this baby then you can. It should be your decision and you should take into account the impact on your existing children. You should be aware that your relationship may not hold. Your partner gets to choose how involved he is but it shouldn't be his decision whether to terminate or not.

This is very difficult for you both. Obviously you are both loving parents to respective kids and loving partners to eachother. Please don't tell your partner that this is his call... that is a lot of pressure to put on someone else, particularly when it isn't his body that may need to have a procedure.

I think you both need to sit down and have a very open and honest conversation. What would having a baby mean for you both? Blending families a bit more / sooner, baby primarily living with you - would you grow to resent him not helping as much, child possibly losing their parents at a young age and their siblings all being much older? In 10 years time, your existing children will all be adults with jobs or at uni with their own lives and you and your partner will have so much free reign to date and have a really lovely relationship (assuming ye didn't get a traditional dating scenario given you both had kids and responsibilities). Also, babies put SO MUCH PRESSURE on relationships.

However I would never recommend a termination if you weren't 100% sure. If there was any emotional doubt in your mind, you may regret it.

I had a termination in 2019. I was with my now husband, and whilst we both knew we wanted children (he already had one), we sat down and made a list. My list went: this wasn't planned, we are not financially secure and I would always worry about taking from my now stepsons needs financially, because we were both novice enough in careers and had prioritised events for my stepson we hadn't really had much alone time on holidays or things like that (the child always came which is great), we were only renting and hadn't even considered saving for deposit for a house yet.

Now in 2025, I am pregnant with our 2nd child, we are very financially stable and have a lovely big house and good careers. I don't regret my decision, but it wasn't an emotional one for me.

Thank you everyone who responded, it has been very helpful in my decision. We are booked in for a surgical abortion tomorrow.
Thank you again x

Best wishes for you. Not an easy decision. Mind yourself x