I’ll try to keep this as short as I can…
I am F, 28yrs old. I have a 5.5yr old daughter, with a previous ex. I had her in Covid lockdown and I suffered with post partum anxiety and depression. This was the first time I’d ever experienced these feelings with my mental health. My ex was quite immature (although older than me) and had no clue how to support me with my emotions post partum. If I was crying, I was met with a “what’s wrong with you”. I eventually got the help I needed from the GP and only really started to feel better when my little girl was about 8-12 months old. Looking back now, I know there were moments of joy with my daughter but overall, I didn’t enjoy my maternity leave, it was just relationship struggles and big emotions that I had no idea how to deal with at times.
Even after this, my mental health has never been the same as it was pre baby. I suffer with anxiety and low moods on and off now. Although I am a lot more aware and know how to manage it these days.
Amongst this, the relationship wasn’t good, I just knew I didn’t want to be with him and we eventually split up when LO was 2yrs old. I’m leaving out a tonne of detail but it’s been tough, we have been to court twice, I had to move out, I lived in a tiny small chalet on a holiday park for 2 years as that’s all I could afford at the time, whilst working. In this time, I had another relationship that didn’t work out and I dated a few guys but generally just gave up on love and the thought of ever having a real, loving, trustworthy relationship.
Fast forward to now, and I have been with my current partner for 18 months. He is 36, and we get on so well. We both enjoy the same things, there is respect and trust and he is very loving towards me. We’ve never had a real argument, and always talk things out. He is the complete opposite to my ex and is emotionally intelligent. I have confided in him in ways I have never done with anyone else. He is very supportive, cooks for me every night, without me even asking. We just have a peaceful relationship, no dramas. I feel safe and heard with him.
We have spoken about the idea of having a baby in the future, he is easy going and would be ok with or without. He already has a 5yr old son.
I know it’s far too soon to have a baby, we feel like we have so much fun left to have..go on holidays together etc, but I’m finding that one minute I’m desperate to have a baby and have baby fever, and the next I’m really doubting whether I should have anymore children. I suppose I feel conflicted because of our age gap too, I have plenty of time left but he’s 36 and I don’t know how he’d feel about being a dad to a newborn in his 40’s. A part of this feels like I am rushing to fit everything in before he turns 40!! Which is ridiculous.
I think my first time around has really scarred me and made me frightened that I’m going to experience all of that horrid stuff post partum again, but at the same time my body doesn’t feel “done”. I crave to be pregnant, I think about it several times a week, I have pangs of envy at others who are pregnant or have a newborn (even though I am fully aware it’s not all sunshine and rainbows from my very own experience!!)
has anyone been in a similar situation? Desperate to have a baby with a new partner, but absolutely terrified at the same time?
Any advise? Please be kind, I am rushing as I type this. X