C section alone

[Dueindecemberr]

I’m currently 32 weeks and have an elcs booked for 38w. It seems increasingly likely that DH won’t be there. We are struggling this pregnancy- he has been vocal about the fact he didn’t want this baby, has been to no appointments and has been very unsupportive of physical complications I am going through. He is ok with our other dc but has periods of being utterly nasty to me.

I am fine to go it alone emotionally, but worrying about the practicalities afterwards. I feel so ashamed to be in this situation, although I am under a specialist midwife team and they are aware of the lack of home support (to the extent they referred me to perinatal MH because they were concerned). I wonder if I should broach the topic of c section alone at my next appt.

Has anyone been through it alone/ got any tips? I feel very sad and wobbly about the whole thing. I had DTs during covid so experienced the postnatal ward alone after a cs then, which was not ideal.

(and before the questions, I asked DH to have the snip repeatedly and he refused. He knew I was not on contraception. We have previously lost a dc in a very traumatic way so everything around pregnancy/ birth carries trauma for me, and I couldn’t face termination).

I dont mean to sound brash... but what exactly is his plan once you have the baby? Is he going to continue to ignore you / the baby? If so, I'd probably tell him to pack his bags.

Have you anyone (mother, sister, friend) that could be with you? Or perhaps you could get a doula for the day if you could afford it.

Be brash, I can take it! No idea. Most of the time he’s ok, but I will be expected to do 100% of the baby stuff I’m sure. He’s had a few tantrums in the last few months and I’m so done. If we had no other dc I would have left already.

I could ask my mum/ sister. A couple of close friends who know the situation have offered too. But it feels like a big deal to have them there over him, and will probably be the end of our marriage if I opt for that. Also, given the amount of trauma we’ve been through, I feel just about ok to emotionally protect myself but I’m not sure I can look after other people worrying (about me/ the baby) during the c section.

I would have a friend/sister/mum there OP and don’t worry about looking after anyone; the point is that they will look after you.
Who do you actually want there? Who would you feel most comfortable with?

I would feel most comfortable with a friend there rather than my mum or sister. I still feel the need to protect my mum/ sister and with these particular friends, I can be completely honest.

I’m not sure about how we will get home from hospital - unless I move to a local hospital, I am booked into a central London hospital and my DM won’t feel comfortable driving to pick me up (and I don’t think I should ask friends to do that bit).

Surely your marriage is over at this point anyway- why would you want to stay married to someone who treats you and his own child like this?

So, do whatever YOU want, and what works best for you, don’t even think about him or anybody else. If you’d prefer to be alone then absolutely you can do that, there was a woman who had her c section alone & was alone on postnatal when I had my daughter because they already had children and had no childcare so her husband was at home with their kids, the midwives tried to check on her more frequently and we offered to help her but she was totally content on her own. Equally I have a friend who became a single parent during pregnancy and chose to have her mum present for her c section and on postnatal which was the right decision for her and she really valued that support. Everyone is different, only you can decide what you need but make sure you decide that with only yourself in mind.

hi OP this all sounds incredibly difficult for you I’m so sorry

do you think his reluctance to get involved in this pregnancy is due to him being scared about your previous loss ? Not that it would make his behaviour acceptable in any way but did either of you have any counselling for your loss ?

If midwife services referred you to perinatal I’m sure they could arrange that for you , it would be beneficial even if you both just agree a strategy for when the baby is born

you definitely need the support of your mum and sister

Then that’s who you should ask, you say you have a few friends that have offered, take them up on it. I’ve been there with a friend and I didn’t mind at all, in fact it was bittersweet but lovely.
Could you get a taxi home? I wouldn’t change the hospital based on getting home.

I would like to think there is an excuse for this behaviour, but honestly I think he’s just being an idiot. He doesn’t want another baby so has completely switched off.

I had a lot of counselling, he didn’t (his choice). He carried all of the burden before/ after dc’s death - I was very depressed and struggled when she was alive (and sick), and he did everything after she died (like organising the funeral).

The timing is also not good, this baby is due the same week as our late dd was born, so it is bringing up lots of feelings that I need his support on.

My dsis is currently going through infertility struggles, and DM thinks DH could do no wrong, so a close friend is probably better on the day. Dsis lives in London so would probably be happy to collect us from hospital/ drive us home.

Im sorry you’re facing all of this without him, what an arsehole. If he doesn’t turn up for the birth then that really is him checking out of the marriage and your new baby’s life. Your mum and sister need to know the reality of the situation you’re in!!

I’m so sorry to hear that @Dueindecemberrwhat a painful time for you , I really hope your DH checks himself and realises how lucky he is!! You have been through so much already 😢

is there any other family , his side, who you can open up to and who can speak to him to make him realise how selfish he’s being and how much you and the baby need him??

He didn’t attend any counselling? My suggestion was going to be counselling together, but if he’s not interested then this sounds untenable.

I know it’s easy to look in from the outside and for us to suggest difficult things, when day to day you’re probably getting on okay and he helps out and is a present father to your existing DC, but the situation doesn’t sound beneficial to you in the slightest. There will be so many emotional and physical things you will go through after the birth, that it doesn’t sound suitable for him to be there but not present for you in any sort of way.

Your mental wellbeing is paramount now so you can function, so I think I’d ask him will he be there to help with the baby, and if not he should leave. Does he love you?

You are going to give birth, via a very real surgery. You will need someone to help you in those first few weeks, physically and emotionally. He's not doing that.

Absolutely take up your friends offers. Even if they aren't in the operating room with you, just so you have someone to help you out those first few hours when you come back.

You say if you didn't have other children you would have left him... but are you really going to stay with him and have him completely ignore a new child? His child.

God op that's a lot to be going through and really complex. And while I think he's being a first class prick in how he's handling this, I'm also wondering how much of this is wrapped up in his own unresolved trauma as it sounds like hes really not been able to deal with his grief- losing a child is just such a massive thing and it makes complete sense that you've both experienced and grieved differently as it's so individual. It rips many couples apart.

But while I do feel for both of you in this, that doesn't absolve him of accountability and I would be probably trying once more for some sort of mediation/counselling- even purely to try and get an agreed plan in place if you can't do it independently so you each know what to expect from the other when you are in a very vulnerable position, and also because as you say- if he can't check in to his feelings on this and can't connect with you around the complicated feelings you're both going to have around birth after such a painful loss its going to be even harder for you both to get back on track as a couple and you have other kids depending on you both for this who've also had a loss.

If you hadn't both been through such a painful trauma I'd be telling you just to walk without even considering any of that and I wouldn't judge you for a second if you decided to do just that. But I do think the circumstances are really significant here and it must be such a head fuck for you both.

I think while you reach out to him and try to connect with him, I would be covering your other bases and trying to get other support in place. Could your mum or close friend support you as a backup, could you hire a doula or similar for immediate support afterwards? How old are/is your dc? Can you make a birth plan that applies irregardless of if he's there or not and details your wishes in each eventuality?

Would a midwife or anyone be prepared to meet with him to talk about it? Is there anyone who he is close to and open with who could talk to him about where his head is at and try to give him a bit of a reality check? Obviously you can't force him to do any of this but if he's absolutely unwilling to agree a plan of action then all you can do is plan like he's not there without actively cutting him out- unless that's what you need for your own safety and wellbeing. You may not know his reaction until the time comes so I think I'd be trying to plan so he has the opportunity to be around and bond without you needing to rely on solely him.

I also think if he's going to make a distinction in how he treats his kids, if he refuses to be part of the birth or engage when baby arrives or if he can't be respectful to you as his wife and partner going forward then the relationship will need to take a break/possibly end completely in order for you to protect your kids from that as that's a really unhealthy dynamic for them to grow up in. I think the problem is how you'd even broach that with him when that might actually be a major fear he's struggling with internally and be might react badly to having that nerve hit. You know him better than we do. What were his reasons for not wanting another child if it's OK to ask?

Honestly, I don’t know if he loves me. Life is full on and as with lots of parents, we’ve lost “us”. We have very little family support (all from my side, he is NC with his M, and sees other family twice a year) and rarely get time for us. I can suggest counselling again, but I know of will be way down his priority list.

And you are right, there is lots going on and he is a good dad day to day, it’s just me he doesn’t like.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, you’ve got it all right. We grieve(d) and cope(d) differently. I have a wide support circle and he doesn’t. I don’t want to just walk away, partly for the sake of existing dc (who are 5 and 3) but also because he carried us so much through the difficult times and it feels unfair to run now he is struggling.

I will make a plan b to have a friend there on the day, and will talk to my DM and dsis about support after the birth/ at home.

He didn’t want another baby - he likes children and doesn’t enjoy the baby stage. He felt no need for more, and wasn’t interested in taking the risk (both for another sick baby and to me), all of which are completely valid points that I respect. I am scared of dying during the c section thanks to his fears, but that’s a whole separate thing that I might talk to midwives about (I can’t talk to DH because he basically says I told you it was a risk).

I had an emergency C-section, after a non-productive labour. You will need support several weeks afterwards, whilst you recover. A C-section, elective or emergency is no walk in the park, it's classed as major surgery. It sounds to me as if your husband has unresolved trauma relating to loosing your baby, and he's likely absolutely terrified. Of course, it doesn't excuse his behaviour, because it's dreadful and in all honesty he should be ashamed of treating you, the woman he supposedly loves and the Mother of his children like crap. You do need to discuss if he's planning on being there for the birth (regardless of it's natural or C-section) and if he's not, then ask a friend to be with you. Going forward you are going to need support, is he going to step- up and give that to you? If you're unconvinced he will, then see if your Mum could stay awhile. You need to be 100% honest with your Mum and sister, regarding the situation you are facing. They can't give you their full support if you're only giving them half a story. If I were in your shoes, I know my Mum would be so angry, she might be 80, but by Christ my husband wouldn't know what had hit him, she'd go mental at him, if he was treating me, in the same way as your husband. Your husband desperately needs counselling, I hope for your sake, your children and his own, he seeks the help he clearly needs. Please don't stay, if his behaviour continues, it's toxic for you but a very unhealthy environment for your children to grow up in.

He really really needs some counselling. He sounds so traumatized. Obviously you can't force him and I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I just feel sad for you. It's like he's in so much pain about what happened before that he mentally cannot engage with another pregnancy/child and is actually fiercely rejecting it because it's so painful for him.

That's my interpretation anyway.

Are there Doulas in your area? They are the ideal support for you and a more independent rather than having family there? They would also be able to offer you support now and leading up to the birth / c section? I guess they’re more yo support births but would be worth getting in touch. Could your mum, sister or friend get you home from hospital?

I’m sure (I hope in a way) you are right. Life has been full on for much of the time since then, that he hasn’t had time to look after himself.

@Sassylovesbooks agreed the recovery will be tough - I’ve had both emcs and elcs before and could hardly walk up the stairs let alone push a pushchair for a while afterwards. I’m not expecting it to be easy :(

This is such a sad read OP at what should be such a happy time, but I won't dwell on it because many others are also offering their condolences.
Although it's easy for us Internet strangers to tell you to LTB , it does sound to me as if he is absolutely terrified and traumatised after your previous experience.

anyway, the first thought that came into my mind (if you can afford it) would be a Doula. That would be non-political and totally practical. To my knowledge they provide support to you during birth whether C-section or natural.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. I wonder if on some level he's just so terrified of the risk of things going wrong that he doesn't want to think of the baby to protect himself. But of course that is awful for you.

Please do have a backup plan for someone else to be there. Of course you can go it alone if you need to, but if you can I think it is a good idea to have someone there to advocate for you and your baby in case for whatever reason you can't. Particularly given your past trauma.

Before my CS I'd prepped my birth partner as to what I wanted them to do if I couldn't engage. Things like reminding the staff that I wanted skin to skin as soon as possible and if I couldn't do it they should hold baby on me if possible and my birth partner should do skin to skin themselves if not, that I planned to breastfeed, that I wanted to avoid a general if at all possible, and that if something went wrong and I had to be separated from baby they were to go with baby and prioritise them. I'm so glad I did this as things got complicated (not unexpected due to preexisting issues) and I found it so reassuring knowing they were there to speak for me and they had baby skin to skin until the doctors had got me sorted. It kept me much calmer than I would otherwise have been.

Hopefully you won't need it, but best to have that support if possible.

Also, would finances allow for a post-natal doula to support you in the early weeks?