Husband went away at 32 weeks pregnant

[summerpeach22]

My husband has gone away for a week to attend a friend’s wedding abroad. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant.

His mother came to stay during this time, but instead of helping, I’ve found myself looking after her, the house, and myself, with zero practical support.

This morning, a faulty alarm went off in the house and woke my MIL. I tried to reach up to fix it and felt a pulling pain at the top of my bump. It was agony.

I called my husband, who was out having drinks, and he became irritated when I said I couldn’t physically open the electrical box to reset it. When I told him I needed to go to A&E because something felt really wrong, his response was, “What do you want me to do?”

I later texted him to let him know I was at the hospital, but he never replied most likely still out with his friends. While there, the staff struggled to find the baby’s heartbeat, and I had a full panic attack all on my own.

Thankfully, I’ve been discharged now, and the baby appears to be okay. I’m completely beside myself after seeing this side of him.

I would say 32 weeks is fine for your husband to be away unless you have some pregnancy complications like severe pelvic pain that means you're immobile or you're on bed rest or something.

But I believe that you must be struggling in some way that makes you feel vulnerable alone, just not sure why from your post.

I also wouldn't have had a problem with mine going away at 32 weeks (my DH went on holiday with my eldest when I was 37 weeks), but yours shouldn't have gone if you weren't happy with it. Also not sure why your MIL came to stay. That would not be my idea of a relaxing week.

Not being kind when you called him worrying was not acceptable though. My eldest was 2.5 at the time when I was pregnant and jumped on my bump and I panicked and called my DH sobbing and he was very nice to me and reassuring though there was nothing he could actually do at that moment. Is your husband usually kind and supportive?

This.

Look, he shouldn't have been short with you when you were at A and E, but other than that, this all sounds a bit high drama, unless you are having a high-risk pregnancy and might have gone into premature labour at any point. If the whole point of MIL staying with you was so that you didn't put yourself under undue strain, then surely you should have asked her to reach up to the alarm, as that was the whole point of her presence?

At 32 weeks I was working abroad and commuting home at weekends, which I did until my airline couldn't fly me any more at 36 weeks.

In the kindest way, your husband is abroad. There is nothing he can do to help you in the moment. I can see why he would be frustrated you rang to tell him you couldn't reach when your MIL in there - I assume it was arranged to help you out and keep an eye on you in case of pregnancy related issues. Why did your MIL not help with the fault alarm? Did she come to the hospital with you afterwards?

Its scary being in that situation at the hospital by yourself but your DH is abroad. He can't up and leave and get back in a few hours. Its not unreasonable to expect a reply from him though checking in how you are.

Thank you mumsnet for the reality check, seems like I was being unintentionally dramatic! I'm going to blame the hormones and feeling very vulnerable living in a new town without a network right now. My anxiety is truly sky high with my husband going away.

MIL came to stay for a few weeks from abroad to spend time with my husband before the baby. She is quite elderly, and I am having to look after her while he is away, as she is not able-bodied to help with anything in the house or keen on going out. It's a little intense for me in this state.

I hurt myself quite badly trying to turn off the alarm on the ceiling that was going off incessantly. My MIL was upset about it going off again since it woke her up, so I was trying to fix it in a hurry so it would stop wailing, and made a stupid call forgetting how pregnant I am. I was in absolute agony afterwards and looking for help. I called my husband to see if he knew how the alarms were wired, not to annoy him on his trip, but good point it could look that way. It's a new flat and I needed his help to figure out how to access the electrical box, they were wired to the mains vs. battery.

I went to the hospital because I started to feel nauseous from the pain, and spent most of the day there being monitored. I was really upset he did not check on me when I said I was here, but it seems this was probably me just feeling sensitive, and there was actually nothing he could do. I really just wanted a familiar voice.

Completely understandable that he might think I might be trying to be a spoilsport about the trip, hence the silence. Apologies in order when we next speak!

I don't think you need to apologise OP.

He sounds cold and uncaring.

You were in pain and worried enough to go to hospital. That's not being "dramatic". Even if you weren't pregnant he should have been sympathetic.

As you are 32 weeks I would expect a bit more from him. And I don't know why MIL is here if DH isn't, she's not any help to you.

No, I am looking after her right now, and she was not able to help or come to the hospital with me.

So why have her to stay when your DH was away in the first place? I mean, is she usually a helpful, practical sort?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP.

Your elderly and care-needing MIL flew to the UK to spend time with her son, and then her son buggered off on a boys trip leaving his heavily pregnant wife to look after his mum.

I think your H is an arsehole. You went to hospital and he didn’t even care enough to check up on you.

When he’s back I think you need to instigate a new rule, that his mother NEVER stays unless he is home to take care of her.

Men like this always seem to think that caring for the elderly is easy until they are asked to do it, at which time it becomes an impossible task 🙄

In short your H is a twat.

No, not at all, and not my choice, she booked the tickets without checking with us first about dates. It unfortunately crossed with my husband going away for this period, but he's here for the rest of her stay.

Your DH’s reaction was uncaring and useless. A lot of men are totally unable to offer emotional support in my experience (and feel pressured and shut down when required to do so), although I’m surprised you haven’t seen this side of him until now.

The “what do you want me to do” is typical - they can’t think of anything beyond physically solving the problem. But you’re asking for emotional support, not physical help when he’s away!

At the same time, at 32 weeks pregnant I wouldn’t have minded DP being away. I was encouraging him to go do something for himself up to the last couple of weeks. I also wouldn’t contact him with a problem he couldn’t solve.

I also worked an hour’s train journey away until I was 38 weeks. I was fortunate and had an uncomplicated pregnancy.

Don’t be hard on yourself. You don’t need to apologise, I think most heavily pregnant women would phone their DH in that situation, regardless of where they were.

It’s unfortunate that you are left to care for mil when you’re not feeling up to it. I personally wouldn’t like that dh has jetted off on a jolly and left this to you.

I hope you can get plenty of rest

But he could have told her the dates didn't suit? If you're having a difficult pregnancy, you don't want the extra work of a visitor you're clearly not enthusiastic about.

With your further explanation, it all makes much more sense. I think you and your husband might just have wires crossed here, obviously you’ll want to talk to him when in hospital and hear his voice, but it might not have come across this way. Glad that you’re feeling better and hopefully you can have a good chat with your husband to sort it out

Or both people in the dynamic have work to do on themselves.

The avoidant and the anxious person.

He should not have left you alone to care for his elderly mother. Going away on holiday is fine, but not making you do the caring responsibilities he should have been doing.

OP you don't need to apologise. He should be thanking you for looking after his DM while he is away.
You are vulnerable when heavily pregnant, physically and emotionally. Your DH, in fact, needs to apologise for being short with you and seemingly not caring.

You went to A&E because you stretched up to a box? Really?

My MIL was sweet, kind and loved me. Yes. I would like us to catch up with DH away and she was happy to help out with older child, laundry, cleaning, shopping, and odd house chores. My husband traveled with work 7 nights in my late ptegnancy and she came to stay. Loved it.

So many unkind reactions here and you shouldn't have had to explain anything.

32 weeks is not unreasonable to be left alone, but it is of course natural that you might feel somewhat more anxious being alone. The trip from the MIL sounds poorly timed and not at all helpful! You've also been through a lot, new flat, without a network around you so it's perfectly reasonable to reach out to him with questions about something in your apartment.

His reactions do sound unkind given the situation you found yourself in. Yes, there's nothing he can physically do if he's abroad, but my partner and I often use whatsapp to simply process feelings, fear, excitement etc. and give each other updates. It shouldn't be hard for him to pick up the phone when you're in hospital over concerns for yourself or the baby.

I would just calmly explain once he's back how you felt and see what he has to say, and see how you can avoid responses/situations like that in the future!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and your MIL's visit!

Wow- You people are mean! Not just you, but everyone who's being dismissive and critical of @summerpeach22 .

The hospital staff had difficulty finding the baby's heartbeat. If that's not something to be anxious about I'm not sure what is.