So DH and I had been on the fence for probably a couple of years whether to have a 3rd child...the deliberating drove me mad and felt quite consuming at times as i could never make a definite decision.DH was kind of in a 'happy with either way' space.
Had a moment of mad spontaniety one night last month thinking stuff it maybe let's just let fate take the decision out of our hands.
Straight after DH was then panicking rather if it was the right thing to do, and over the next couple of days, but was still abit on the fence about it all as was i and so the next couple of days were spent debating whether to get the MAP.
Finally we decided to do so to give us more time to think about the decision....but by the time i took it it was 70hrs after sex.The pharmacist said it should still be 95% effective but online ive seen that it may only be 58% within that timescale.It was also right around the time I would probably have been ovulating.
Fast forward afew weeks and my period should have been due a couple of weeks ago and hasn't arrived.I know the MAP can mess with cycles but have taken it before afew times and dont remember it causing an issue, and also, i've had afew potential other symptoms....tireder, sore nipples, kind of vague nausea combined with hunger pains, and some dizziness.
DH and I would never want to end a pregnancy, and he has said if its happened then its meant to be, so is more relaxed about it now, more so than me, as whilst a little part of me feels positive and excited about the prospect, a bigger part is panicking about the implications.....mostly that i'm scared about how we will manage juggling 3 kids also petrified of something happening to me during birth, and just generally giving birth again.
I wasn't really expecting to feel like this as its not like I was really against the idea, so i guess its shocked me abit that i'm feeling scared and apprehensive.
DH has suggested taking a pregnancy test but isn't pressurising me....I am just scared about seeing the definite lines and worried incase I feel negative and would then feel really guilty as it was such a positive thing with our other two and i know there's so many people who would be desperate for that to happen.
I just feel like I want to shut myself off from it abit to be honest as thinking about it all feels so overwhelming.
There are glimmers of positivity, eg; saw a video of a child similar to oldest DD with a baby and I thought 'aww that could be her' and saw a newborn the other day and felt like I would quite like it to be me.
Also looking ahead I would like a bigger family network.We are loving and devoted parents and any child we have would be loved and well cared for.We don't have alot of money and have a smallish home,but are not living in poverty or anything, our kids have a full and privelidged life with clubs, days out, holidays birthday parties etc.
So its not like i'm completely against the idea.I think its just fear taking over as things feel so much more complicated than the other times, and I think im finding it hard not to focus on the challenges from the pros list such as our older ones having to share a room, or less money, space and attention to go round.
I also have a history of miscarriages (4 pregnancies, 2 kids) so i feel like that's maybe putting me off wanting to get too invested in the idea, especially as i'm afew years older than last time.
(37 now nearly 38)
Has anyone else felt similar?
Please be kind.