Weird behaviour of the anomaly widwife

[TheLighthouse23]

This was a while ago, but I’ve never stopped thinking about it and whether there is more to it. I’m 20 odd weeks pregnant and due to a previous dermoid cyst I had to travel to Exeter for all my scans when we lived in notts with my husbands job. (We’d moved from Exeter) so on the anomaly scan I brought my daughter with me who was asleep in the buggy. She would have been coming up 2.
I said “sorry I had to bring the baby with me as my husband is working” and she replies “thats not a baby” in a really flat, bitchy way. She wasn’t jolly in the slightest.‘I felt stupid and just rather wary of her. It was just us two in the room.
sk she scans me and when it gets to the gender she asks if I want to know and I say as my husband isnt there and he’s like to find out with me, could she possibly wrote it on a piece of paper just B or G and I’ll open it when we are together. She says no you either find out now or not at all. So I um and ah for a minute and she rolls her eyes and sighs. So I say ok now please. She says while taking her gloves off “I’m afraid it’s another boy” which was me totally confused as my “baby” was a girl but I guess dressed in boys clothes- dungarees and red shoes and didn’t have much hair. It completely ruined my experience of finding out his gender. But typical of me I thanked her so much for her time and told her to have a lovely day on the way out. Years later or if I’d had someone with me I would have said something of course like “I beg your pardon?” Or “what did you just say”‘I’ve thought of it hundreds of times. She’s definitely in the wrong job. I would have thought seeing people’s happiness all day every day would make you a kind person. But she was an outright horrible cruel person. Mostly I wonder if she says that to everyone who has a child of the same gender already or if she hates boys. Am I overthinking it ?

I’m surprised a midwife hasn’t even heard of the ultrasound guidelines? It’s quite literally advice from FASP that children are not present during anomaly scans. I know my trust don’t allow children in. Regular antenatal appointments yes, anomaly scans no.

She sounds very unpleasant. However, I don't think it's healthy to ruminate on something many years later, are you having an otherwise hard time at the moment that's making you focus on this non event?

She was really quite rude and I'd have complained about that. 1 snippy comment I can deal with but this was repeated a few times. Yes she might have had a bad day but that's no excuse for being so very rude to a patient.

No it was not polite or professional of her but you need to let this go.

I've had a lot of scans over the years as I suffered from recurrent miscarriages (I also have two children alive and well) and I found the majority of sonographers to be quite curt and blunt/irritable even when delivering bad news. In contrast the scans I had done by consultants were completely the opposite.

To try and be fair, I think sonographers have a difficult and stressful job - really packed day, having to squeeze in extra patients who turn up having been sent by doctor who has forgotten to advise sonographer that they need to be added to list, people not following the rules (forgot they were told to turn up with full bladder), people moaning about the wait, people turning up and arguing their whole extended family should be let in to see the scan, people wearing totally unsuitable clothing which needs to be entirely removed and a hospital gown found, people taking up more than their allotted time slot asking loads of questions, wanting to discuss extra issues like mental health etc etc. Also having to deliver bad news and yet keep the list progressing as fast as possible.

One awful scan I had where I was told there was no heartbeat, I was literally shown out (via the special door that opens into the corridor so i didn't have to walk back through the waiting room) within 5 mins clutching a piece of paper with a number to call for a D&C. My husband and I just stared at each other standing in the corridor as we had barely taken in the news before being ejected. But the waiting room had been jam packed, standing room only. I don't think she really had much choice.

It's not an excuse to be unkind - I have a very stressful job but would be hauled over the coals if I was curt to a client - but you can kind of see how it might be that sonographers become hardened over time.

It sounds like something ideal but cant be carried out in busy urban units with disadvantaged people. Even if it is on some rule book, it would be swiftly ignored for practicality purposes.

Why did you bring your child to the scan?

Recommendations that have been published to ensure safety are “swiftly ignored” in busy urban units with disadvantaged people? No wonder they are shown to consistently have worse outcomes then! These guidelines aren’t just made up for fun, it’s been proven that sonographers are more likely to make mistakes when distracted and children present a distraction.

It would be the difference between someone on a high risk pathway actually having the regular scans they need, or not being able to turn up. So we find accommodating the needs of the population works better than freezing them out.

I am referring to the anomaly scan. Very few women will not have at least a partner to watch the child during the anomaly scan. Growth scans are a trust decision. Anomaly scans require a high level of concentration.

People often want their partners with them if they are able to attend. If someone has no arrangements for childcare, nobody will turn them away. Not least because booking them in again doesn't guarantee that they'd have sorted that issue and there often isnt the space to rebook within a timely fashion.

Some places at some times might have the opportunity to have a member of staff supervise the child outside of the room but that would probably only be utilised if there was a strong suspicion of bad news.

I remember having odd experiences at my scans for DD2. DD1 wasn’t with me but the sonographer always seemed really annoyed when I didn’t want to know the gender. I saw her three times through my pregnancy. She obviously saw a lot of women and didn’t remember me. Each visit I said I didn’t want to know the gender, she insisted that I tell her the gender I would prefer. Initially I said I didn’t mind as long as they were healthy. That wasn’t satisfactory at all. She assured me they were both healthy … I could still choose 🙄 I think it’s possibly the best bit of their job. The reaction of the parents to be. She didn’t tell me the gender but she may as well have! When I said that if I could choose I’d like another DD she said how lovely girls are … she has three etc. she did this three times! I wasn’t at all surprised when DD2 arrived.

My hospital won't scan you either if you have children with you.

She said some pretty shitty things that I don't like and would struggle with. Particularly "im AFRAID its another boy" (wtf?!?!)
However hospitals make it absolutely clear not to being children to a scan. They need to do their jobs properly. She had a right to be miffed at the disregard but she was a bit OTT. YBABU

Also a midwife- I think it’s trust dependent. Our scan department says no children and is a strict rule, I believe it’s 1) for the comfort of others who may have had bad news 2) for the mother/father to be, as it could be bad news that would have to be delivered in front of the child, which could be distressing. Our AN appointments obviously don’t say you can’t bring children.

And that’s nice if it’s possible but wanting your partner there doesn’t overrule safety. It’s been proven that distractions during the anomaly scan increases the risk of mistakes. Are these women appropriately counselled to this increased risk when choosing to bring their child?

They don't choose to bring their child. They don't have the option of childcare. It's one of the most common reasons people miss appointments.

Ours has posters everywhere that children are not allowed in the scan unit and you won’t be seen.

frustratingly when I took my 2 week old daughter for her baby hearing test to be repeated I had to walk through the scan dept to their assessment room. Past a woman at the double doors coming out sobbing with her partner. He held the door for my pram and I’ve never felt for someone so much. In that moment i understood the ‘no children’ rule.

Absolutely not your fault, but that's a terrible set up 😢

She sounds terrible but I think I would have laughed at how awful and ridiculous she was 🙈😂

Honestly ‘I’m sorry it’s another boy’ wtf 😳😂

I understand what you're saying but getting hardened over time is the point where you need to pursue a career change! Basic humanity is surely a prerequisite for a job in heath care?

You have just stated their partner is there. The partner can watch the child.

Do you have any idea how much the NHS pays out in compensation due to missed antenatal diagnosis on anomaly scan? £56 million in the last 10 years. How many midwives would that have paid for?

Some of those would have happened regardless but why would any trust increase the risk of this? If women are not told bringing their child increases the risk of missed anomalies they are not being given informed consent.

Do these patients bring their children increase labour? Pop the toddler in the corner of theatre while having an EMCS? Of course not! So if they can arrange childcare then, with usually no notice, they can arrange childcare for ONE scan in their entire pregnancy with notice.

Im not sure really - I’ve asked that of myself. Mostly I’m hoping she’s not still employed and ruining other people’s experiences of actual birth (I had a girl who she assumed was a boy but imagine if I had a boy and was then told “I’m afraid you’re going to have another. I was 23 and I can imagine it really would have ruined the whole thing for me)
But mostly I just can’t understand how such a horrible person exists. There was no warmth, no kindness in her tone. She didn’t smile once and basically let the door close in my face when I was saying thanks for seeing me. Just horrible. My husband says it’s because people like that either don’t like their jobs or their lives. No way I would treat anyone like that ever.

I brought my children to normal midwife appointments but the scan appointment with the sonography is a hard no to any children present. It’s written in bold and underlined in all letters. Completely against trust policy and they just dont see if you if you go against this and bring kids anyway. The appointment is cancelled immediately. So I can see her point of view on that particular issue.

it probably set the tone for the appointment, she was cold and unfriendly because she was pissed off that you had ignored the rules

Are you sure she wasn’t a sonographer rather than a midwife? I’m a midwife and not trained in that, some midwives do extra training but the anomaly scans are usually done by the technicians. I think the way she spoke to you was rude and it’s obviously taken away from your special experience. I would contact PALS for your hospital and share your thoughts. It’s not a blame game but rather re training if required, she may have been having an off day but does need to be told how she made someone feel.

I don’t usually - it’s just something a friend said to me about having a couple of late abortions in order to get the gender she wanted. It made me wonder what made her want that gender. I have four now, and will most likely have a fifth around year from now. I’ve always had really special experiences with anomaly scans. Despite my husband only coming for the one - he has more flexibility now he can work remotely. So I would say I’ve gotten over it.. it’s just so far from how I’d ever behave when announcing the results of gender… it still floors me but doesn’t upset me if that makes sense?