Mum guilt over second baby - please send reassurance!

[chasinghilltops]

Hi everyone,

Im going in for an induction on Wednesday with my second baby. I’m quite sure it’s just hormones playing havoc, but I am crying every day about adding a new baby to our family and having to share time between my 21 month old DD and newborn.

I feel so guilty that we’ve not given her a lot of time just the three of us and am so worried she’s going to feel put out. I’m planning a special day with her before going into hospital on Wednesday but my heart is just breaking at the thought of our relationship changing. I know that’s so silly, and I should mention I’m incredibly grateful to be pregnant and this baby is very much wanted.

Please send stories of reassurance! Would love to hear your happy experiences of adding a new baby if you have an under 2 year old. Bonus points for positive induction stories, this will be my second and the first one left me traumatised.

Thanks!

My Second is now 5 months old. Technically my son had just turned 2yrs old a week before my second was born (he was born early so should be 23m gap).

What I will say is I found the newborn days hard but only due to the lack of sleep and feeding issues/pain.

I always said by having a second I don’t want my son to miss out on anything. A positive is that I get to spend an additional 11 months with him vs being at work. He goes to nursery two days a week and in that time I get 1-1 time with the baby. If anything I now have the opposite thought, I’m slightly sad that my second won’t have all the undivided attention that my first got. She has to settle for two days a week. The upside though is they are bonding already. He will always say hello, goodnight and goodbye to the baby first before us. He randomly goes and cuddles, gently pats. Tries to give muslin and teething toy. It’s so lovely to see their bond and it’s only been 5 months.

Also in the future we plan to each have 1-1 time with them, alongside family time as well.

I can’t say about induction I had a csection. Good luck and I hope it all goes well.

I posted something very similar on here under a different user name about 10 years ago. Now have 10 and 12 year old daughters with a lovely relationship. They’re incredibly close (23 month gap in our case) and have always- literally from day one- been the best of pals. My elder daughter took to her sister immediately and was OBSESSED with her… it was very sweet. Her little sister in turn has looked up to her big sister always and still does.

Please don’t worry. There will be hard moments and you’ll be knackered, but you haven’t upset anything; you are making a family and all that’s happening is that you’re adding a new member. Good luck.

Perfectly normal! As we left for the hospital to have DS I desperately wanted to tell DD not to worry, I’d always love her the most, DH had to almost gag me and drag me gently away 😂

I’d spent most of the previous couple of days crying about the whole thing (obvs away from DD!), it was mad hormones and the magnitude of what was about to happen. Everyone has a different experience but all I can say is as they lifted him out of me and I saw him my heart doubled in size and I just knew we’d done the right thing, I loved him just as much and he had a place in our family that felt so right I couldn’t in that moment imagine not having him. DD fell in love with on the spot and they’re utterly besotted with each other.

I doubt that’ll help as you can’t imagine it, as I couldn’t, but please know that how you’re feeling is common to many mums I know. It’ll be okay.

Before you had DD I bet you couldn’t know known how much you’d love her and it’ll happen again. Best of luck with the induction!

My second is 8 days old and I have had a lot of mum guilt. My daughter is 5 and had a summer holiday of fun activities planned, a holiday near grandparents, day trips with friends, play dates. I was due the 28th September so had these plans of settling her back into school and helping her adjust to a new school year and then work on baby arriving too.

Instead I was too ill to travel, spent the last 2-3 weeks in and out of hospital, when I was at home I was a sleep. I couldn't look after her so we have a series for grandparents and friends caring for her. Then I was called in for an early induction at 36+6 and ended up giving birth on her first day back at school so both parents missed that. It was absolutely not how I expected my last 2 months of being a mum of 1 to go!

But... It's been fine, she had loads of fun with grandparents and friends. She's adjusting well to being a big sister and is enjoying having her mum back.

Get in as much time with number 1 as you can before induction. Enlist as much help and support as you can and just go with what happens. You can only do your best on the day and hope that all goes ok. My partner after birth only spent 9.30-2.30 with me in the hospital once baby 2 arrived so that he could do school drop off and pick up and keep some normalcy for my daughter I would look to see what you can do to keep some normal routine. I'm expressing which has allowed me to keep with alternate bedtimes as daddy has some milk available if he needs settling before I'm finished.

I’m also due in a few weeks with a twenty-one month old so glad to read everyone’s positive stories! After years of infertility and three rounds of IVF I’m so lucky to have one child, let alone two, but I’m concerned that I will probably need a caesarean (and recovery might be difficult), that a bigger age gap would be better and that I’m a SAHP so it will be difficult to manage the needs of both children on my own (we don’t use/ have any childcare for my daughter).

I felt this way too (I think everyone does before having their second) but you should see them now! Literally everyday they have an instagrammable* moment where they're cutely hugging or nuzzling each other or playing some game involving jumping, falling over and hysterically laughing. Often they're entertaining each other and I can have a moment of peace to chop veg or something.

Ds has genuinely improved dd's life. I'm so glad we had him.

I'm sure there'll be times as they get older they'll bicker and squabble but they haven't happened yet and overall they're lucky to have each other.

[I'm not actually on Instagram but if I were!]

Don't get me wrong, the first year was so incredibly hard but once the youngest turned 18mo it suddenly got easier and you get the "benefits" of having two.

It will all be fine. I had the same age gap. Yes your attention will be divided but she'll have a sibling for the rest of her life. I found there was only a short period where I felt like I didn't have enough to give both of them but my eldest was clingy and she soon became a lot more independent once she was about 2.5 years. Having a new sibling is a positive thing and any adjustments is just a normal part of life. She'll be fine, you will be fine. Good luck for your induction x

If anything I feel more guilty that my second hasn't had anything like the start in life my first had. Our age gap was 2.5y so a bit bigger than yours, and my eldest has not only absolutely adored being a big brother, he also dominates our social calendar and general scheduling and number two just has to roll with it.

I kept DS1 in nursery 4 days a week as I felt that was the only time my second got to be with me and call the shots a bit. The rest of the time DS2 just slots in, goes with the flow and is generally happy to be in the mix. But he's had nothing like the amount of undivided attention the first had and I feel awful about that.

That said, their bond is unbelievably cute, they are each other's favourite person, my eldest will routinely chose to say hi to the baby first, grab him for a cuddle, ask him to play something etc. His life has definitely been enriched by his brother's arrival, and the second doesn't know any different!

Thank you all so much for the positive replies! It’s so lovely hearing your little ones have such lovely relationships. I know my DD will love being a big sister and I’m hoping the worry is just hormones getting the better of me!