Unexpected, unplanned pregnancy at 39

[ByHeartyReader]

Hi, I have 3 kids, 2 adults and one at 12. I have been in a relationship for 2 years with someone who is amazing however he does not want kids, nor did I want anymore! I have just found out that I am pregnant, roughly 3 weeks. My initial response was that I was petrified, age, health risks to me, health risks to baby. My partner wants me to get an abortion. We are in a multicultural relationship that works for us however I believe we would butt heads over raising the baby as there are extreme moral and religious differences. I can't help but already feel protective and I can already picture this baby in my life. With my other 3 children I had a vast amount of support (no father due to abuse) I done it all on my own and have 3 amazing children. I guess I just need some advice as my head is spinning and I don't want to tell anyone in my personal life in case I don't continue with the pregnancy. I couldn't face people knowing. I think if I continue with the pregnancy he will either leave me or feel trapped. I believe he will push for his religious beliefs to be forced upon the child. My opinion on religion and children is to allow them to learn of any and all religions and make an informed decision themselves as they grow. He is Muslim and I am of no religion, raised in a mixed marriage. Alot of my reasoning for not continuing with the pregnancy is all to do with him. If he wasn't in the picture I wouldn't even consider abortion I don't think.

I would recommend that you call somewhere like Marie Stopes international and make an appointment for counselling. They are entirely non-judgemental and let you talk things through in a confidential space.

How do his beliefs etc impact your 12yo?

They don't as he's not my other children's father. He would question some of my parenting styles however not in a way that would make me change it. He also has no kids. For instance, he believes boys should be strong and 'man up' rather than being soft. My son is a mummy's boy through and through. He's soft, gentle, caring and considerate. He would never fight. My partner believes they should know how to fight and be strong to protect themselves and their family. I am anti violence completely so that is a big difference. My partner isn't violent by any means but does teach his nephew that he needs to be 'manly'. His nephew is a very smart. Well mannered boy but there are disagreements in how both are raised. This would definitely affect a child we are both raising. I am unsure if we could agree a happy medium.

Thank you, I didn't know this was a thing! I am booked in with the Dr tomorrow to ask about health risks for both me and baby due to age plus I have high blood pressure and tachycardia so I am on medication for that too. I'll ask then about counselling as well!

sorry i wouldn’t have a child with this man. I am speaking as a child from multi-cultural parents where my dad’s culture took over everything.

This won't end well OP, the child will be half Muslim there is no escaping that, that's their heritage and culture. They will need educating on their fathers family side religion.
I don't agree with the "manly" thing mentioned. I know many Muslims and if anything they are very anti violence so maybe your DP just still believes in toxic masculinity, my own father does, but that's not related to his religion.
If you want this baby keep it, it's your body, your choice, your child. I think the regret would kill you if you terminate.

This is a big concern for me. I believe in learning of lots of cultures and be accepting of others. His values don't match mine. He is not a strict Muslim by any means but there are too many strong opinions of various values that we are completely opposite about that concerns me.

My advice would be to keep the child and not the man!

He's not violent in any way but yes he strongly believes in the masculinity side of things. I fully accept that they will know and learn all about their heritage and culture and fully support that but wouldn't force them to believe in something specific. I genuinely don't believe I can go through with a termination however I don't believe I can raise a child with him either.

Does he live with you? What are his good points?

That is a consideration, my only concern is a lack of support when returning to work until the child is school age. I can't take a career break as I can't afford it and would need to return full time. My maternity pay halves after 4 months also and may not be able to afford to take the 9 months off that I'd like to.

I think in your shoes, I’d terminate the pregnancy and would have to live with that heartbreak permanently. It just doesn’t sound viable, and unfair for the baby. So sorry OP 😔 xx

Sometimes in life you just have to learn to live with sadness and grief, but done for the right reasons. Are you happy with this man OP? Is he bringing positivity to your’s and your children’s lives ? Maybe further soul searching about whether to continue in the relationship too is needed. X

You say if it wasn't for him, you wouldn't consider an abortion. If you are already picturing the child in your life, then you're going to resent him if you abort, so it's worth thinking about how your relationship would survive an abortion, if it's just for him. If, for financial reasons, you don't think you can continue the pregnancy, that's slightly different, as you'd have that to fall back on when post abortion you are flooded with all sorts of hormones. I'm sorry that you are in such a sticky position where neither option is easy. I agree with PP about thinking about whether this is the right partner for you and whether there's any way you can both make it work with a baby despite your age, health condition and his different values.

I honestly think you have kind of answered your own question. You said if it wasn’t for him then you wouldn’t consider an abortion so it’s clearly not something you want to do. You say you’ve brought your others up on your own so I definitely wouldn’t rush into making any decisions. Here if you need to talk x

Age is not a concern really, you will be well monitored, I am speaking as a 44 year old pregnant with my first one. There are accurate tests to check for chromosomal anomalies at 10 weeks too, after which you can decide what to do too.
The concern is the father and his views. Think about whether you want to raise the child together with him, and also if you are truly able to do it alone. Good luck!