Becoming a single mum whilst pregnant

[Mumto21234]

Found out at 6 months pregnant husband having an affair and we have split up. Also already have a toddler.

Anyone been through anything similar or have any words of advice to help cope with rest of pregnancy and early months of motherhood alone?

I do believe he will continue to play active role in kids life, as he has so far, but feel overwhelmed with it all.

I'm so sorry. It's such a difficult situation. It's so overwhelming, do you have real life support? Maybe controversial support but I wouldn't worry the divorce right now if you can. Its a huge amount of admin and the last thing you need, focus on you and the baby.

In terms of the birth it's your choice to have him in the room or not, just do what's best for you.

How are you doing emotionally/ practically?

Yes, me. My ex husband left when I was 8 weeks and found out about his cheating on our wedding day.
I had a teenager and a toddler too. I'm 10 years on now and it was absolutely both the worst moment of my life, and also been the absolute best thing to happen to me. Go figure!
Is there anything specific you'd like advice on? My ex walked away from the children so I did it all totally alone. Good riddance to bad rubbish as far as I was concerned!
My practical advice would be to stock up on everything you can. Put milk and bread in the freezer. Buy several months worth of toiletries and cupboard staples.
From 10 months my baby went to nursery 1 day a week, and toddler to preschool so that I had a full day each week to myself. This kept me sane! I reduced my hours to part time and claimed tax credit (now UC) which helped me financially.

Yes me too. I had a 2 year old DC and found out I was pregnant a week after I found out my (now) ex was having an affair. That year of pregnancy was very hard and one of my biggest concerns was how my stress would affect the baby. That and how on earth I would cope.

DS who I was pregnant with is now 15 and he came out so chilled. Way more so than DD (now 18) who was conceived and born into much better circumstances. He still is.

I honestly doubted if I could do it many times. It hasn’t been easy physically or mentally lots of times and my ex is still an absolute cock to this day.. but me and my DD and DS are very close. I had zero confidence in myself but you will be ok.

After about 6 months of pregnancy I began to see it as one positive in a sea of awfulness… and it really did become that. I had my 2 best friends as birthing partners and they were so much more supportive than ex DH was at the birth of DD.

I hope you have a support network of friends to rely on as that’s one of the main things that got me through.

Best of luck to you. You can do this

Yes, my DS was also waaaaaay more chilled than his older brother. He still is too! Although the older one has asd/adhd so that probably explains that one 🤣. I was also concerned about the effects of cortisol on him, but my fears were unfounded. He came out like he was almost apologising for the stress I'd been through and was my "happily ever after" gift. He was the perfect birth too after a c/s with the eldest, and a horrific forceps with the middle one, he just slipped out in the pool, no drama, no stitches, breastfed like a champ (neither of the others did!). I still think I'm the luckiest woman alive for what subsequently happened in my life, despite the awfulness at the time ❤️

I do have real life support in form of close family and a couple of friends although haven't told everyone yet as want to get my head around it all first.

I think im most concerned about being up all night with a baby and then looking after my toddler, through the exhaustion. Plus the weight of bearing all responsibility now.

It feels like life changed in the blink of an eye and now im left having to attempt to co parent with a stranger.

I go through stages of thinking he can be at birth because ultimately it is his baby as well, to then thinking I will feel very uncomfortable with him being there but think I will gauge how I feel on the day.

Plan for now, is, he will potentially stay on an air mattress for first couple of weeks after baby is born to bond/support. Whether he does or not is up to him, but he is a coward so would probably prefer me to tell him he can no longer stay and can then side step responsibility/not have to feel uncomfortable. My view on this is for me to keep door open, and make him have to face the discomfort or actually make a decision to not stay and help.

I think I just need some encouragement/positivity that somehow life on the other side can be better, which is so hard to believe when only a few months ago my life felt completely happy and fulfilled.

What a mess..

@ThisMustBeMyDream

This is exactly my experience- right down to the first one being forceps delivery, difficult birth and having ASD/ ADHD and the second one being an absolute joy and super chilled.

OP - I had the exact same fears as you re doing all of that … the night wakings,the day to day stress of doing it all on your own, the going back to work.

The reality is you will just do it. You will absolutely find the strength to do it because you have to and you will. Your mind and body will adjust and cope and you’ll find a strength you don’t know you have yet.
One unexpected and welcome benefit of doing this stage on my own was that there was no feelings of resentment when DS woke in the night. No ‘can you not help me out?’ feelings as there is only yourself to rely on. No grumpy man trying to tell me what to do. I made all of my own decisions and it was very freeing.

Also on the birth… obviously it’s up to you.. but as many people said to me - giving birth is a time when you feel at your most vulnerable. It’s also an incredibly personal thing. Yes he is still the babies father but you are the one giving birth and your feelings and well-being are the top priority. My ex wanted to be there and I said no. He came round immediately afterwards and held him. Fine. In my mind he lost the right to see me like that when he went off with someone else. Also I didn’t want to look into his eyes with him holding my hand being all supportive during labour only for me to feel sad that I was ultimately on my own once the baby had been born.

my 2 best friends (who had both also had babies by then) were so incredibly brilliant and knew exactly what to do. Honestly it was almost serene. Do please think about yourself in this.

@beasmithwentworth yes, yes, yes to all of this. You will look back and see how powerful you are. You find strength in places you never knew possible. It is totally liberating. I absolutely smashed the single parenting malarkey, and you will too OP, because there's no other choice and you will want to. Love for those little people can do amazing things ❤️.

@beasmithwentworth @ThisMustBeMyDream thank you both this has been so helpful ❤️

I do worry having him there when I give birth could almost feel like false hope as I feel he would try to be supportive. Dont get me wrong there is absolutely no going back, I just don't want to feel like I take an emotional setback although know how much emotions are all over the place after having a baby.

And yeah good point re not having resentment of expecting someone else to pull their weight. I am on my own with toddler now and have been for some weeks and don't actually find it any more difficult as I need to do it all regardless.

Hope you are both proud of everything you have achieved with the shitty cards we have been dealt!

If possible can you start your toddler in a preschool for a few mornings per week, before the baby arrives (so they are not simultaneous)? I would also try and get some planned, scheduled help eg. Your Mum every Wednesday pm, ex H on Sat and Sun to take kids. I think it helps to know when you can get a bit of rest. Try and prioritise time with toddler and let others look after the baby when possible (babies much less aware). You will find ways to manage. Don't worry about eating oven food! Don't worry about a spotless house (can H pay for a cleaner?). As long as everyone is fed and relatively clean, it's OK.

Oh yes, I got a cleaner also, for a little while. Food shop deliveries too were a life saver.
I had a friend at the birth, and my colleagues (I'm a midwife!) and this was far far better than any of my previous births. My friend knew exactly how to help me best! And my colleagues went way way way above and beyond.
I got married a month ago, and to thank my colleague and my friend for everything they did for me back then, I made them my bridesmaids 😄. It was an emotional day. A decade later to come full circle from my lowest to my highest point. I've been with my now DH for 8 years. I didn't think anyone would ever want me, or be good for my children. I was very wrong. He has shown me what a good man should be like. He is the opposite of my ex in every way. He's taken the children on like his own and he does all the parenting with me. He does the club runs, takes time off work when the kids are sick, got up in the night when they were younger, cooks for them, cleans up after them, listens to them read, does homework, plays with them, takes them out on his own when I'm working. He does everything and more that a father should do.
You will be happy, in ways you don't even know yet. But you will.

Get as organised as you can before the baby arrives, have you looked into any benefits you may be entitled to? Get your finances straight, have you got an arrangement for child maintenance from your ex?

Have you got local friends and family for emotional and practical support?

Def get your toddler into pre school or nursery now in preparation for when the baby comes.

Organising online shopping or those hello fresh type deliveries will be useful.

You will be fine.

I'm trying to get as prepared as I can just now in terms of sorting of baby clothes etc. We also have a house that will need to be sold but that wont be until next year, however also trying to organise bits here and there re having a clear out - anything that helps me feel like im in control and making some progress.

I will have support in form of my mum and MIL, and will be able to have a bit of a schedule regarding who can come and help when so I have some sort of structure/a nap planned in!

I do believe I can do it, just also difficult to know some of the worst days are to come re selling house and moving out etc, Without my husband - something I never thought I would do. Its like waiting for the car to crash.

@ThisMustBeMyDream so lovely to hear you are happier now ❤️!!

Yes. We hung on for a few weeks post birth which was awful too. He checked out. You have another child which is prob good as you are not about to get the bombshell of being a first time mum. My advice is go day to day, sometimes hour by hour - get time for yourself as soon as possible. Baby had to go just for a few hours at first to see him.

Sending a massive hug. It’s not easy but you will get through it.

DC 16 now and we are so close 💙❤️